First book: The Fourteen Year Hour

Second book: But It Only Happened Once

My third book, Off The Papers: What The Family Court Drama Taught, is now available for puchase through amazon.com or publishamerica.com. It is a book for anyone who loves a child.

I have continued my dedicated work for the past 25 years, being a mother/child advocate, encouraging mediation, and upholding the rights of children to know both parents. I educate people about how abusers, alcoholics and other drug users, can legally obtain custody of children in Family Court. Many of the non-custodial mothers I have met through the years, lost custody of their children due to manipulative and controlling ex-partners/spouses. I also regularly hear from mothers, fathers and their adult children from all over the world. They request advice, ask me to tell their stories, or they just wish to tell me how apparent it is that The Lord is using me as His tool to help others. Excerpt(s) from my book have been used in testimony at The Boston Statehouse. It takes tremendous courage to write from the heart and expose one's self to the world. I can also be found on my publisher's website- publishamerica.com. If you see reference to me on any other web pages or sites- other than to sell my books through a reputable book dealer or distributor, I have no affiliation. Such misrepresenation is not authorized by Authorsden.com, my publisher, my publicist, amazon.com or any other professional service. Your best bet is to take advantage of my private message board here at Authorsden.com where information is true and accurate, and leave a message! I enjoy hearing from readers and try to personally answer all mail. I have also personally telephoned people in crisis- some of these being high-profile cases.




By Joy Henley

I Always Wondered…


if you knew you were the only child who arrived at daycare with fresh, piping hot biscuits from the oven

if you knew your hair smelled so good when you arrived at daycare that the daycare provider often remarked, “I could sit here all morning and smell his hair- it smells so good from the Baby Magic Bath”

if you knew finger painting is supposed to be fun but you must be extra cautious to not drop a few spots of paint at dad's…you know what will happen

if you were allowed to ever wear the cute Osh Kosh overalls again

if your box of crayons on the first day of kindergarten was large enough

if you had boots and furry mittens for the snowy days

if you still believed in Santa like your mom

if you were allowed a birthday cake with candles and could make your own, private wish

what you want to be when you grow up

what it would be like to bake sugar cookie Christmas trees, bells and snowflakes together while “White Christmas” played in the background

what it would feel like to giggle and wiggle our toes in the ocean sand

if one of the many cards I sent you, or calls I made, somehow, miraculously, reached you.

if your sheets were clean

if you learned to fall asleep on cue because he said to do it

if you ever awakened to a day when empty beer bottles were not scattered on the floor

if you were encouraged to drink beer so partyers in the home could ridicule your inebriated actions

if you could soar down the park slide and forget last night’s beating for a split second

if you realized when I washed your hair under the faucet, I was not really trying to drown you- as you were told

if you understood baseball bats really are for playing sports and not for swinging and threatening others with harm

if I were to give you the birthday and Christmas gifts at 18 that I saved from your pre-school years, would you laugh at me?

if you had a secret place within you where only you alone could access your feelings, heart and love for a mom you pretended to hate – to survive

if there was a trace of me embedded in your memory

I always wondered…
a mother is allowed to do this.




By Joy Henley

In My Dreams


sidewalk chalk drawings
dripping popsicles
a carousel ride in the square
giggles on the see-saw
building summer sand castles
making snow angels on the hill
licking the beaters from the cake batter bowl
gazing at the twinkling stars
reading books on a blanket at the park
dancing aimlessly around the living room
eating animal crackers in bed

Such simple things my son...
We will do them again.
I will call you tomorrow.
I will learn where you live.
Next month we will go to the zoo.
I love you.
See you soon.




Joy’s Top 10 Common Sense Ideas
for a Better Life

10. When your daughter or son is ready to walk down the aisle to get married, ask something at the last second. It does not matter if it is the most extravagant wedding in the world. Ask her or him if this is what they truly want, and give a gentle reminder that even at the last second, it is ok to change their mind. You have no idea how many divorced daughters and sons wish they had heard these words.

9. Stop trying to convince people you are a good person, and to love you. Unfortunately, we cannot "make" others care about us. Stop investing extreme energy, time, and your heart in others who could not care less about you. It sounds harsh, and yes, people and feelings sometimes do change. If contact with them is continuously stressful though, if there is mistrust, lack of respect, perpetuation of a hurtful past, etc. maybe it is time to ponder what you are really getting out of it. Is there real love and caring there….or is it just drama? Is it so stressful it makes you sick? When people genuinely care about one another, it is not a continuous hurt cycle.

8. Remember you are only one person, you can only do so much and you are human. You will be a healthier human though, if you learn to forgive, use common sense when making choices and in everyday life, accept you will make mistakes in life, plan to grow from these mistakes. and use your progress and learning experiences to help others.

7. Make a peaceful home and do your best to not allow a lot of conflict, drama and other negatives to upset the harmony of your home.

6. Prioritize who and what is important in your life and place that first.

5. If it feels like your child, you or others are being abused, it is probably true.

4. If it feels like your child, you, or others have an addiction, alcohol or other drug problem, it is probably true.

3. Learn to set boundaries. Let others know what you will stand for….and for what you will not stand.

2. Trust your intuition. Feelings do not always have to "make sense."

1. Be true to yourself.




My Associated Content article, entitled...Goodbye

This is an opinion piece about “letting go” of the most important person in life: an adult daughter or son. The key word about this writing is that it is just an “opinion.” Some may agree, some may not. It is a subject no one wants to tackle as it can be difficult to imagine any parent struggling with such a decision. It is shocking and disturbing but someone has to say it.

Many parents have been non-custodial parents whose children were alienated against them. This is common in child custody situations. The perpetrator- often an ex from a marriage or relationship, in a sense, “brainwashes” the child against the targeted parent. It cuts deeper than a brainwashing though. The child is literally taught to hate the targeted parent. The child may be orchestrated to make false allegations about the targeted parent, cuss and name call and the alienator cheers-on and rewards the daughter or son. There are daughters and sons who talk about the targeted parent as if they saw them yesterday, when in fact, it was 30 years ago. They share endless tales of things the hated parent supposedly did, although they could not know firsthand. They are merely repeating what they were told. They may stalk the parent on the Internet and harm their loved ones. It can be a “cat and mouse game” of mental maneuvers and exhaustion, which can span for years.

Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and it is child abuse. A child who has lived this hatred may never fully recover. It is like any abuse...it leaves scars. They may be visible or they may be invisible. Yet, the effects of this can last a lifetime.

When alienated children become adults, their hated parents may still tolerate being cussed out, harassed, and other abuse. They believe this is the only way they can have their sons or daughters in their lives. Any parent who has been the recipient of these tactics, will know their limit. For some parents, the “limit” was reached when they had a stroke, their blood pressure went off the charts, and/or they had a heart attack. Sometimes, the abuse is so intolerable that the parent will end their life due to the hopelessness. The fantasy that children will turn 18 or legal age and run to their alienated parent with their arms open and full of love, dies.

The bad news is that anger, hostility and hate, rarely vanish into thin air. Still, these emotions may shift, somewhat diminish, or lay dormant. Without proper intervention such as counseling, they usually return. Many of the non-custodial mothers I have supported, feel they must give it one more try...or try harder. Even if it is toxic to their lives. You see, society demands parents love their children unconditionally. Parents are also told to never give up. Should they even consider giving up, it can be interpreted as a lack of love for their children, or a weakness. People literally get angry with them for even thinking it. “Love your children unconditionally” and “Never give up” are phrases that are beginning to sound like cliches. Many of the people who harp on unconditional love for children, have younger children. They do not have children of legal age. There is a huge difference. Many parents repeating these catch-phrases, have not been cussed out or felt intimidated or bullied by their adult sons or daughters. They have not experienced their subsequent children being injured by their alienated son or daughter. They have not had other family members fear for their safety and be in harm's way- due to the son or daughter's violence. They have not picked their daughter up in an alley for the sixth time with a heroin needle in her arm, had a son repeatedly steal from them or been shoved into a wall three times by their drunken daughter. Without counseling and a thorough understanding of the dynamics, stages and effects of Parental Alienation, the drama and anger may never go away. In fact, it is wise to be prepared for this.

To some who have been abused by their adult children, any gesture of kindness or crumbs of their affection, sparks hope. The frustrated mother who last week, said she would never again talk to her daughter or son will do it this week. The parent who slammed the door last month, crying, “I can't take it anymore...I'm done” is now residing with that daughter or son. An emotional roller coaster such as this – i.e. loving your child one day, letting go the next, loving the child three weeks from now, letting go three months down the road, loving and hating, and riding the ups and downs, takes its toll. The waves can be steep. It can also affect the credibility of a parent who continuously screams “I'm done”- and flip flops on his or her word. Especially if the parent advocates for other non-custodial parents.

Suddenly one day, the name calling, cussing, harassing, drama and threatening behaviors may come to a screeching halt. Why? Because the alienated parent learns he or she is going to be a grandparent. The war has come to a cease fire. Suddenly, everyone is happy, joyous and amends have supposedly been made. The same people who empathized last month with the mother's frustration and hugged her through her tears, are now sending congratulations. The same people who worried about the father's mental health and depression last week- when he called his daughter names, are now celebrating the joyous occasion. Everyone is in a frenzy about the baby. Where did the anger go?

Until the root of the problem is addressed, the anger is still there. It lingers. It will be kept under wraps until the next tirade. There will be a huge difference the next time there is an argument, though. The war will become even more intense because the stakes will be much higher. The grandparent may not get to see their grandchild. It is a familiar game and here it comes again. The parent will have to live through two alienations- the child and grandchild. This is a silent group of parents. They dread the chastising of others...especially if they knew their decisions. Many of these parents say if they could give their grandchildren anything, they would give them peace. They do not want to go to “battle” with their adult children...again. They refuse to participate in any “game” that would enable the child to be used as a pawn. They know the first time things go sour with their alienated son or daughter, so does their relationship with their grandchild. Some bluntly say they cannot live through a loss like they did with their child....ever again. They say they would rather die.

It is not surprising that a child could be used as a weapon. The frightening truth is that Parental Alienation travels from one generation to the next. If adult children, know the dynamics, have been victims/survivors and have seen the alienation “work,” more of the abuse could be on the way. Especially if the adult child has previously acted out in abuse and violence and was orchestrated to make false allegations of abuse. They know the game because once upon a time, they were the prize. There is no other painful way to make someone “pay” when being pissed off, than to tug at their heartstrings and use a baby. As one grandmother recently told me, “as long as I do whatever they want I get to see my grandchild.” What happens when grandmother says no? There is an obvious element of control here. Since these anger, drama episodes have been a continuous process, why would they stop because of the presence of a baby?

Too many grandparents do not see their grandchildren. Due to divorce, death, the escalation of alienation and hatred from their own children, legal fees, health issues, and other reasons, they are ousted from the lives of their grandchildren, with little resources for a solution. This is one reason Grandparent Rights groups have formed. Although grandparents have been on the short end of the stick in being granted official, legal “rights” to their grandchildren, they can gain tremendous support and education from one another.

A common definition of insanity is continuously doing the same thing, while expecting a different result. Coming together, letting go, coming together, letting go...the outcome will continue to be the same. No wonder parents tell me they feel like they are going insane. Without tremendous effort and commitment, the parent-adult child relationship will probably remain turbulent, dramatic and hateful.

If ever there were a time to change, it is before the birth of a baby. If it has been an on-going, long term “war” - all the more reason to make a decision and stick to it. Sometimes, it is just time to get off of the emotional roller coaster. Needless to say, a good-bye decision regarding children is heartwrenching. It is not supposed to be this way. It goes against Mother Nature...especially for mothers who have a prenatal bond with the child - which includes pregnancy, labor and delivery. No one is advocating for parents to ever give up, not pray for their children, not love their children from a distance, or not believe in miracles. All of us are human though, and there has to be a common sense factor here.

Some parents do not have the emotional energy, money, or time to spend years in counseling. For some, this would require relocation- if the family would be in counseling together. Some parents feel in the back of their minds- as their adult children age into their 30's and 40's, that it is “too late.” Besides, the alienated daughter or son, may flatly refuse to go for counseling because they believe nothing is “wrong” with them. There are gossipers who will argue the alienated parent does not care enough, or they would do anything on this earth to be near their daughter or son. It is true that most parents will do just about anything to have their children in their life. Nowhere is it said though, that a parent must die (from health reasons) attempting to have a relationship with their child, or a parent must tolerate being abused. This is not “part of” being a parent by any stretch of the imagination.

If a baby is coming and everyone is as ecstatic as they claim, perhaps those involved will seek counseling. Hopefully, they will vow that there will be no more name calling, alienation and anger that will force another child in this world to suffer alienation or live in a battle ground.

It is inappropriate and downright wrong to expect the anticipation of any child's birth and presence to calm the anger. Let's face it, if adult children have been cruel to their parents, there has been an on-going hate campaign for many years, they cuss and threaten, stalk, are disrespectful, and put family members at risk, these hostile feelings and actions are not going to magically disappear. Even with the birth of a child. How could they? As soon as the triggers occur that cause the turmoil and drama, things are right back where they started. Perhaps it is time to identify those triggers or “buttons” people push, that bring on the chaos.

One thing is certain: It is unrealistic to expect an innocent baby or child to calm the tempers and improve the situation of adults. A baby will not “band-aid” a relationship of any kind. It is unfair to saddle an innocent child with so much burden and power.

WHO ARE ABUSERS? They can be highly educated with many credentials, prominent people in the community, people who are financially stable or wealthy, ones you would never in a million years even suspect, and ones in all professions. It is sometimes the ones we admire and respect the most, who abuse. They often do not "look" like abusers. It is that "normal" appearance and professionalism that in some ways, enable the inappropriate conduct. After all, who would believe THAT PERSON would abuse a spouse or batter anyone? Do you ever wonder how an abuser who appears to be "out of control" and who others believe cannot manage anger, suddenly is rational and calm when the police knock on the door?

Hostile Aggressive Parenting
This is psychological child abuse and the site is dedicated to the children who are suffering under the hands of HAP parents.

Victims of Law
LEGAL stuff galore!!! Also, unusual state-by-state cases. Intriguing website, full of important info!

The National Association of Non-Custodial Moms, Inc.
A support website/organization for mothers without custody.

Off The Papers: What The Family Court Drama Taught
My release, Off The Papers: What The Family Court Drama Taught, can be ordered here. My previous book, But It Only Happened Once, can also be ordered through this website.