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two ninety-nine wine whine
By Duke LaRance   

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After he violently spat the wine out, Mickey Rat said, "PLEW! That's cheap stuff...."

Saturday, when I was at Pete's Butchershop buying my losing lottery tix (a actually spent $7 and got $8 back!). Karen was checking me out (no, not eyeballing me appreciatively) when I told her that I didn't know much about wine anymore, as I hadn't drank much of it since Gallo Vin Rose was 2 bucks a gallon. I asked her if she could recommend anything that was super cheap, didn't taste like puke and gave a person a good hard buzz. She said that as a matter of fact, they had some over close to the beer that was $2.99/bottle! She said that she and Pete and Dan had talked about trying it, but they were afraid to for a number of reasons..

So I obsessed about it until Sunday morning, and after choir practice I gave both myself and Wolfie a good chuckle, speculating that this was a very fine vintage with an exquisite bouquet. I told him about the mickey of colony Rutabaga vino that my Dear Old Dad foisted off onto me. This stuff looked like grapefruit soda with fish scales floating in it and shot through with spider webs. Wolfie couldn't believe that rutabagas had enough sugar in them to ferment. He wondered if its bouquet came out of the nose. I told him that the bottle resided under my bed for over a year, until the time I seriously had the urge to get dwunk [sick!] and put the hammer down, 10 - 4! I related that I never got feced-contenanced , but was instantly violently ill and that indeed, the bouquet and more came out of my pie hole and my nostils in much larger chunks than I care to remember....I said, "Yah, that is probably what is used for communion, just passing bottles along which are wrapped small, crumpled up bottle bags." Then I ruminated alould if this could possibly considered hate speech, but I hate to admit that I really don't care one way or another.

To make a short story long, I slip over to Pete's between practice and performance and selected a bottle of this fine vintage. It is actually imported from Spain! No crappy Napa Valley swill nor Western Montana bile for me! It is called "Sideshow" and comes in 3 varieties, two reds and a white. I chose a dark red called ***No 3*** The Barker. I haven't tried it yet, but I don't see how it could possibly make any sicker than Vin Rose, Boone's Farm, Annie Bedsprings, Cold Bear or Chateau LaSalle. And if I do lose my sense of sight, it can already be said that I don't know whether to dine on excrement, or lose my visual acuity. Besides that, a person's dole check from social security is considerably more if you are blind. And at 3 bucks a bottle, a person could drink himself to death a whole lot faster and a whole lot cheaper than Joe the Barber could have ever imagined.

In closing, I do hereby swear, or affirm, as the case may be, that the above statement is the trout, the whole trout and nuthin' butt the trout, so help me Gawd!

With Kindest Personal Regards, I remain your Humble Servant

Duke (His X Mark) LaRance

Enlightenment is the cure for ignorance; stupidity is terminal. ~ Raoul Abrasive


It was cheap; it did provide a good hard buzz, but unfortunately it indeed tasted like dog vomit. However, as I always say, "I will try anything twice", I do plan on polishing off the bottle, likely in one sitting and am looking forward to experiencing the bouquet of the white. Ultimately if I do end up drinking myself to death I won't need to be embalmed. If this is to be the end to my sorry existance, I will probably look like the victim of a botched job of embalming.

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