Seven months now, and I'm not doing any better since The Incident: still plagued with ongoing nightmares/flashbacks, still having to talk to the police or going to court when asked, can't face anybody (including my own family) without feeling tainted ...
I know when people look at me they know I've been raped. It's like I have the word "RAPED" stamped across my forehead in big, ugly black (or red) letters. What's worse is they act like what happened to me is my fault somehow when all I was doing was walking home from work! I didn't ask for The Man to appear out of nowhere and start fondling me; it just ... happened! Nothing more can be said about that!!
Lately, I have been entertaining thoughts of suicide. I know suicide isn't the answer, but once you do it, you can't come back to life. I know this. Yet as miserable and depressed as I have been, it seems to be the only viable solution; I can't go on living like this!! I feel like I'm living a double life: in the daytime, I'm fine (most of the time); at night, I'm an emotional basketcase.
I can't stand sleeping without a nightlight, and I can't stand sleeping by myself, so what do I do but go to my girlfriend's or my parent's house to sleep? I know they're worried about me, but they don't understand what I want through seven months back ... they just. Don't. Fucking. UNDERSTAND!!!!
How often do I have to keep telling people that I didn't "deserve" to be raped?? I lost my life the way I knew it when that bastard of a man forced himself on me, just because he had to get his (sick) sexual fantasies fulfilled; meanwhile, I'm the one who is suffering the most damage as a result of this!! I've been violated in the worst way, and right now, I wouldn't even care if I lived or fucking died!!
*to be continued.*
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