THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!
By Tom Hyland
HOLD ON THAR, PARD -
afore you go to fetch a rope to HANG my sick arse -
this is a SPOOF - a LAMPOON - a PARODY - an attempt at HUMOR -
If a lightning bolt is coming down from the celestial skies - don't stand too CLOSE!
"The Devil Made Me Do It!"
The History of Mankind
- Or -
What Really Happened!
- Or -
A Confabulation Forbidding Mourning!
- Or -
Adam Got A Raw Deal!
© - Tom Hyland - 07-09-09
Yeah, yeah - I know - most written pieces have just a Title. Some even have a Sub-Title. Rarely do any ever have two Sub-Titles. So, I dared to be Different - I gave this three Sub-Titles. Choose the one you like best! Here we go ...
Once upon a time - way, way out East - or up on Mount Olympus, or somewhere in the heavens - there was a big fuss - Much Ado About Nothing - anyways, the Titans were - All Shook Up - because one of their own said: “I Did It My Way.”
He spit on some dust and made this creature he called Man, and named him Adam - which really means Mada, ‘cause he was dyslexic. The actual full name was Madass, but knowing everything in advance, this Titan that the rest all dubbed as Frankengod, knew that when his creation reached Ellis Island someday, the dummies there would truncate the name anyway, because they were lousy spellers.
Anyway, the other guys and gals were up-tight because HE just had to be different. He couldn’t just turn something else, like a bird, or a rock, or a tree, or a flower, or a grain of sand - into a mere mortal - he had to use Personification, and Metaphors, and Similes, and Poetic License, and a bunch of other stuff - to make his guy stand out.
He had to be different, and put some of his own godly attributes into this new creepture! Truly, a Man’s Man - possessing: Omniscience, Omnipotence, Omni-Presence, and other Stuff - who then started writing an Omnibus - later renamed - The Bible.
The other Titans were Jealous. They had the Green Eyes of Envy, because he thought of it First! So, they all got together - tarred and feathered him - and banned his butt from their heavenly environs, somewhere up North - at the Pole maybe?
So, he wakes up in this cold place and instantly moves to a warmer clime, which someday would be called Iraq, and right smack-dab at the junction of the later to be called Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, and he decides to call the area Paradise. He later sub-titles it The Garden of Eden, and it is kind of like an Oasis in the middle of a huge desert.
Anyway, when he realizes that the other Titans had shoved Adam into his left pocket, and every time he took a step, he was off-balance, it was instantly obvious that he needed to make a counter-weight for the right pocket, so he wouldn’t wobble like a drunk. Although this ‘man’ didn’t weigh much, as compared to his huge Omnificence, it was like the soon-to-be proverbial “pea under the pile of mattresses” - and he could feel it.
So, he takes Adam out of his left pocket, rips out a rib, and - Voila! Here’s Eve! Backwards it really spells Eve - which someday will be known as a ‘witch-a-ma-call-it’ - which I can’t remember right now.
Anyways, these two Homos started looking each other up and down - and Adam immediately became Homo Erectus, a guy with a smallish - Brain - and Eve became Homo Habilis, one who knows just what to do with - Tools! They then United, and invented Heterosexuality. This act eventually brought about a more advanced species, later known as Homo Sapiens.
So - then, The Almighty One, as he liked to be called, showed the two new ‘saps’ (abbreviation of Homo Sapiens) his favorite bush - aptly named The Tree of Knowledge - and said: “Est Verboten - Taboo - Don’t Eat!”
Well, don’cha know, as soon as he turned his back - Eve, who was jealous of all of Adam’s Omni-Stuff, said: “C’mon, take a bite of this cute little red thing!” She eventually called it an ‘apple’ and much, much later two other guys named their computer after it!
So, dumb-dumb takes a big bite, whereupon he gets caught by the Big Guy. Meanwhile, Eve claims innocence, and tries to blame it on a poor, lowly guy with no arms or legs saying: “The Devil Made Us Do It!”
Then, Alpha-Omega (another favorite name) sics a Snake on them, and kicks them out of the Garden of Paradise, saying: “Go Directly to Jail! Do Not Pass GO - Do Not Collect Two Hundred Dollars! ”
Needless to say, the First Couple was quite chagrined - and PISSED too! Like The A Team - they formed a Plan - we’ll just keep up co-habitating until we over-populate the whole Friggin’ World! Being both short in stature, as well as not well-endowed - remember that smallish - Brain - Adam was all for this plan! In fact, this was the occasion of the very first ‘sh**-eatin’ grin!’
So, they invented this - Crazy Thing Called Love - and Bing! Bam! Thank You, Ma’am! The Third Human was called Cain. A year later, according to their Hourglass (another of Eve’s inventions, as she wielded the Real Tool Power) - Bingo! Out pops Abel!
All went well for several years, and the Foursome got along pretty good. Then the Age of Puberty took over. Abel had this good-looking Babe, which made Cain so jealous that he Slayed Abel - R.I.P. Then, we are told that Cain went out and got himself a WIFE!
Yeah? WHERE? My best guess is that she was a Chimp named Gladys! Anyways - more and more progenies came from somewhere. Methinks maybe Eve was over-stocked with Progesterone - C21-H30-O2 - but - what do I know?
By and by, a few million years or so passed, and many of these off-springs got restless, and started roaming everywhere. Some went South-East, and founded Africa and Australia. Others went due East, and founded Asia, Mongolia, and Siberia. Still others went North, and started Russia and Scandinavia. Another gang went due West - “Go West, Young Man, Go West!” This was later expounded upon, by none other than Horace Greeley. Anyway, they established Germania, Hispania, Brittania and all their environs.
This was way, way back before the Ice Age, and everything was hot and dry, but people could walk long, long, long distances. Some even made it to the Great Northern West, and founded what would later be called - Canada, and Alaska, and a whole bunch of other places with Indian names.
Then - all of a sudden - WHAM! - the Ice Age hit! There were frozen: Mastodons, Saber-Toothed Tigers, Platypus Ducks, various Dinosaurs, like - Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, and even Volkswagenosaurs! This name was later continued as the name of a cute little German car, known as ‘The Bug’ - much, much later. Anyways, everything got frozen - Flora and Fauna, Plants and Animals, and even Rocks and Stones. This was the basis of a new game, later invented by one of Eve’s Great, Great, Great (ten squared more times) Grand-Daughters, and was called - Twenty Questions.
After choosing an answer in the Poser’s pea-brain mind, he/she has to divulge if the Topic is - Animal - Vegetable - or Mineral - then the Guessers have twenty chances or guesses to pin down the answer. If someone gets the correct answer, he/she wins, and gets to be the next Poser. If not, she/he gets a free door - this became known as - The Door Prize - a very valuable asset, treasured by Losers!
I have a whole wall-full of such plastic trophies. In fact, I call it my ‘Twenty- Three Hundred Dollar Wall.’ Cheap, golden plastic guys with Pool-Cues in their hands, mounted very nicely on some smooth, semi-quasi-marble-like imitation faux stone bases. I estimate that each cost about a hundred dollars a year, in fees to the appropriate Pool Organization, like A.P.A. and T.A.P. OH! Did I digress, or what?
Anyways, millions of years later, guys called Anthropologists, discovered dead bones, and other stuff like: Cro Magnon Man, Java Man, Encido Man, Enchilada Man, Tarzan, and other some such thangs, like: fossils, ferns, crudely made tools and weapons, chiseled out of a rock called Flint - this later became very popular in a movie, starring James Colburn - ‘Our Man Flint’ - and in a cartoon series called ‘The Flint-Stones’ - starring Fred and Wilma!
At some point, these Ex-Purts, some call ‘Talking Heads’ nowadays, coined the word - ANTHROPOPATHISM - the attribution of human emotions to a nonhuman thing, for example, a deity or an object of worship. “Man was made in the image of God” -
OR - VICE VERSA? Who’d a Thunk?
So, anyway, a Heat Wave occurred at some point, which we can’t really blame on CO2 emissions, ‘cause cars weren’t yet invented - and all the Ice melted, making all the Seas rise, thereby creating separate and distinct Land Masses, that we call Continents now, as well as a zillion or two cute little Islands, like: the Aleutians, the Phillipines, Manila, Malaysia, Formosa (now Taiwan), Japan, the Hawaiians, St. Thomas, St. Croix, Bermuda (where ‘The Triangle’ is) - St. Kitts, Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Virgins (can’t find many of them anymore) - and a whole bunch of other ones, that people pay huge sums of money to travel to - or vacation on - to get laid - er, I mean Leis - and to get sea-sick, and vomit!
So, now we have all these Homo Sapiens (saps for short) - spread out, all over the Globe - different colors, different races or ethnic groups, different languages, different clothes and dress codes, different customs, different values, different goals and aspirations, different deities, and religions, different morals, different desires, goals, and aspirations, and yet - one unique, solitary purpose - SURVIVAL!
Survival of the Fittest - whoever has the Biggest GUN - WINS!
Like Monopoly - whoever has the Most MONEY - WINS!
Whoever has the Most POWER - WINS!
In short, Mankind’s Greed and Apathy, created both War and Pestilence - not to mention - Genocide, Homocide, Suicide, and even Pesticide!
In summation, the immortal words of Shakespeare’s immortal character Puck, in “A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream” has always captured the essence of The History of Mankind -
“WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE !”
© - TKH
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