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Tom Hyland

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Books
· The New Jerusalem - Chapters 1 - 5

· Bawlmer, Merlyn - Home of The Hons


Short Stories
· CHICKEN SCRATCHES ?

· DADDY ... ADDENDUM

· DADDY, WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE MILITARY?

· THREE LITTLE ... EDS !

· ALL MY CARS - PART 2

· ALL MY CARS

· AU-TO-MO-BILES

· BIG LUG CONTINUED !

· SLURPEES !

· THE BIG LUG !


Articles
· Delegate or Stagnate

· THE PARTY OF NO - PART DOS !

· sick - sicK - SICK !

· Is Life Just an Impulse ?

· BGE Sucks !

· THE END !

· MEDITATION ?

· LES MISERABLES

· EBOLA CRISIS

· SICK OF TV ADS


Poetry
· OF ALL THE GIRLS I LOVED BEFORE ...

· ALL HALLOWS EVE

· HONEY, OUR VOWS MEANT NOTHING TO YOU ... BUT I DIDN'T KNOW

· CONTEMPLATING BAMBI’S NAVEL

· DANGLING PARTICIPLES ?

· BIG 5 0 !

· COURAGE

· AS FOR ME ...

· LIFE IS LIKE ... A BOOK

· DRUTHERS 2 ... ?

         More poetry...
News
· PATRICIA ANN ALLEN

· JERSEY DEVIL... aka KNAVE WUSS-A-LOT Update !

· JERSEY DEVIL HANGING IN THERE STILL !

· ED MATLACK IN HOSPITAL !

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HOLY CRAP!
By Tom Hyland
Last edited: Thursday, February 11, 2010
Posted: Thursday, February 11, 2010



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Recent articles by
Tom Hyland

• Delegate or Stagnate
• THE PARTY OF NO - PART DOS !
• sick - sicK - SICK !
• Is Life Just an Impulse ?
• BGE Sucks !
• THE END !
• MEDITATION ?
           >> View all 361



Once upon a time, there were three little Pigs.

Somehow? They were all named - ED.
Demented parents maybe?

Anyway, the youngest ED - aka PEEWEE - built a house out of straw, and the Big Bad Wolf blew it down! He scurried next door, to the stick house, built by ED - aka - Jersey Devil - and the Wolf blew that down!

Both shot to the elder ED's - aka - Olde VARD Fart's brick house, and all three were safe!

BUT - the Big Bad Wolf then Twittered ACME, INC. and ordered some Dynamite and C-4 -

KA-BOOM !!!
Blew their three Arses to Kingdom Come!

And Everyone Else ... Lived Happily Ever After!

MORAL of the story?

Wolves are smarter than Demented ED's !!!







HOLY CRAP!

© - Tom Hyland - 02-02-10 to 02-10-10

RE: My - Crap Makes The World Go Round -

2/2/2010
John Martin

While we're on the subject of Crap...The mention of God banned in our country and a $3,800,000,000,000 budget! Now that’s what I call...HOLY CRAP!!!!!

JOHN -

HOLY CRAP IS RIGHT!

The power-crazed ass-holes who run this Nation, and the whole world - do not give a rat's ass about the 'little guy' - the repercussions of their asininity never ever affect them!

If there was ever going to be a 'Magic Wand' - I've often thought that the answer was to ZAP all those rat-bastards to 'Kingdom Come' - BUT - common sense tells me that other power-mongers would just quickly replace them!

SO - what's the answer? One must use the old adage - "If you can't Beat 'em, Join 'em!" SO - I would ZAP myself into my own private "Ivory Tower"
and be 'insulated' against 'THEM'!

Peace - Tom.

2/1/2010
Georg Mateos

I see you want everybody to get a fair share, so, go crap on a revolving fan! And you are infringing my Pictures Copy Rights, my lawyers will be chewing your ass, dummy, cos I need to replenish my cash flow!!!

Cuz EDvard

DEAR CUZ EDvard -

I wuz in my Ivory Tower when the ‘SHAT Happened!’

And ... yer own MA gave me a signed Release form to use that picture of yer Super-fluous Body!

Pax Tecum! Cuz TomKat ...

2/1/2010
Mr. Ed

OH - THE PIC?

IT IS NON OTHER THAN ...

EDVARD THE ELDER ... IN DRAG !!!

YIKES! And thanks a lot - now I'm gonna have awful nightmares. I just posted a scary memoir poem about old Edvard and Jersey, in bed!!


DEAR PEEWEE -

I KNOW, I KNOW ... I READ IT!

“FARTIN’ - SNORIN’ - AND PEEIN’ “ ...

“The Three Stoop-EDs” stooped meaning ‘deformed’ !!!

What a Lovely, Lively Trio! Adios Muchachos! TK.

==================================================

RE: Matlack’s - ... TO ... -

DEAR MATCHLESS MATLACK - WELL DONE, SIR!

But tarry ye yet awhile, 'til summer comes!

This past Saturday was The Maryland State Police's 'Annual Polar Plunge’. It was too bitterly cold, and many were stricken with hypo-thermia! My 15-year-old nephew went in, with the fingerless gloves on - fingers turned purple! A fellow worker goes in every year - his fingers did the same, and were still swollen on Monday!

A pool team member was scheduled for 3:00 pm, but AFTER the 'Big Wheel' Ravens Football Stars came out at the 2:00 'dip' - THEY CANCELLED THE REST OF THE DAY!

I SPONSOR, BUT I'D NEVER DO IT - EITHER I'M 'CHICKEN' OR SANE?

TK.

==================================================

RE: MR. ED’s - Happy Wodjak Day -

DEAR PEEWEE WULF-JAK ...

WELL PUT, MY FRIEND!

I FIGGERED 'WODJAK' WAS ANOTHER OF THOSE WEIRD POLISH SPELLINGS?

AND NOW, TO CLOSE WITH A 'DOUBLE ENTENDRE' ...

WISH I COULD GET A 'WOODY' !!! TOMKAT ...

==================================================

RE: Karla’s - Groundhog, Dazed -

KARLA - WELL SAID, DOLL!

What we need for next year is -
some ole Scandinavian Sniper 'Grouch' like ...

Georg EDvard to sneak in there the nite b4, swap ole Phil out,
into a nice warm, soft-bedded pet carrier - and put a Bear-Trap
in his burrow -

next am - they'd have a One-Handed Mayor in ole Punx !!!

So much then for 'Tradition!' Bear Hugs n' Warmth ... T-Kat.

==================================================

RE: Joseph One-Light’s - Who Was That Masked Man? -

JOE ...

"A fiery horse with a speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty - "Hi-Yo Silver - Away!"

backed up by - "Git-tum up Scout!"

Join us in those thrilling days of Yesteryear ...

You done Clayton Moore PROUD! TK.

==================================================

RE: My - Just The Bust, Ma’am - Just The Bust -

2/4/2010
Mr. Ed

JUST a Thought - ZUST was an Italian Automobile, in the early 1900s.

And you probably didn't even notice him, but I think I know the guy in the picture's background!

PEEWEE - MAN?

WHAT MAN? THERE’S A MAN IN THAT PIC?

AHA! Using my secret decoder ring magnifying glass - now I see him -

IT IS Y-O-U ... !!! Had no idea the nuptials were in the Windy City!

TK ... P.S. Confirmed ZUST on Google - Thanks!


2/4/2010
Georg Mateos

And in the kindergarten they were shouting LUNCH! LUNCH!! LUNCH!!!

Cuz EDvard

DEAR CUZ VARD -

I now realize you were also a ‘Dirty Diaper DO-Bee’ as a young’un -
BEFORE you became a ‘Dirty Ole Depends Man’ !

Coitanly wood tend a kid to want HER for a ‘Lunch Lady’ !

The Bottle? FA-GET-A-BOUT-IT !!! TK.


2/3/2010
D Johnson

I get your/her points,

cheers,
Dan

DAN - AMEN I SAY UNTO YOU!

AND HERS ARE - BIGGER AND BETTER !!! TK.

2/4/2010
Ed Matlack

looks like dinner to me & maybe breakfast as well...wow, ed


DEAR CUZ BEEZLEBUB ...

NOW I KNOW YER IN GOOD SPIRITS!

And I also know that ‘Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder’ ...

But - Holy Cow! Yew git too close to them thar suckers (don’t take me literally here) - an shore enuf ewe could git BLINDED!

Welcome back to the World of Make Believe!

N’ the real one-two! TK.

P.S. ewe shore yer ole heart can handle sech pics n’ horny de-sires?


by Mr. Ed (author) at 2/4/2010 7:11:09 AM

Junipers do many things, but they don't bite!!! And although its berries are quite sour, and its twig tea takes getting used to, neither are too bad when one is hungry and thirsty, in the deep, dark forest.

Hi Mr. Ed:

DEAR DAN'L BOONE -

I t'weren't spectin' two bee took literal - ratha wuz hintin' fer how to

i-dent-ti-fy that sucker. I'da b gessin' it's a evergreen, but duz it have needles like pine or spruce?

n' by tha bye - us city-slicker, trailer-trash type folk ain't goin' nowhere

near no dog-goned 'deep dark woods - sew, if'n thar ain't no junipers
brave enuf to stand out on the outer fringe of any wuds -
den I ain't never gon'na meat won!

Tom-Fraidy-Kat ...

=========================================================

RE: My - BRRR-LIZZARD -

2/7/2010
Ed Matlack

Wish we lived closer, would be fun to have someone to talk to during the blizzards like yesterday & another on the way maybe on Wednesday...? Send me your phone number on email and I WILL call you one evening after 7pm, when my cell phone is free, okay? Great snow rant, wish I wrote it...Ed

ED ... thanks for comments.

Know what you mean about having someone to talk with. It’s a big difference between solitude and loneliness. When one wants peace and quiet, by choice - it’s nice, not to be bothered. But, even a voice on the other end of a phone, is welcome when one feels bored and neglected.

Will send email now. Tom.

As my Dad used to say: “Keep your Sunny Side - Up - Up - Up!”


2/7/2010
Georg Mateos

If the white stuff knee deep were coming from Colombia you will have been a rich dude!(LOL)

Cuz EDvard

YO - CUZ VARD - YEW TRYIN’ TO MAKE ME A PUSHER?

NO WAY - HOSE A ! TK.

2/7/2010
J'nia Fowler

Tom, we your cousins to the north are sorry that we sent you more white stuff than your city can handle. Not really, but love your fortitude and funny bone in this poem. Well penned. Hopefully the wind will take pity and blow your mound away. Hugs, J'nia

J’NIA - too late for any such luck - after 2 days n’ hours of shovelin’ 2 cars out of my place - took 4 people 2 hours to do HER place!

Send us some BENGAY for sore achin’ backs n’ muscles! TK.


2/7/2010
Mr. Ed

Little Tiny Snowflakes -
About Ten Hundred Million Billion -

Want me to Fed Ex you some snow shovels, I got plenty. Although the Fed Ex guy probably can't even get through. Stay warm, and keep watchin movies - JFK was a good one.

PEEWEE - too late 4 shovels now - after doin’ my place, then my lady friend’s - now we need BENGAY FEDEX’D ... TK.

2/7/2010
Georg Mateos

Am seeing double? cos this deja-vu was commented in a previous time, life, whatever!

EDvard

YEP! SOMEHOW I DUPED THIS DUDE, AND FORGOT TO DELETE ONE -

DUH? TK...


2/6/2010
Mark Lichterman

I love this, Tom. I remember the blizzard of '69 when living in a Chicago suburb my dog walked over a five foot hi chain link fence.
Knowing it was coming the day before we stocked up on Scotch, cigarettes (I smoked and drank scotch in '69) and made sure we had plenty of toilet paper and... No DVD's then, but Maxine and me and our four kids along with our dalmatian had plenty to eat -- and for her and me (really me)to smoke and drink -- and stayed warm watching TV and... Thank God we had plenty of toilet paper.

MARK - AMEN MY FRIEND - AMEN!

CAN NEVER BE WITHOUT “MUSICAL ROLLS!” Tom.

2/6/2010
Brenda Dobson
Feelin' ya, Tom, here in the 'Burgh. Stay Warm, Brynn :)

DEAR BRYNN - is that the ‘PITTS’? Thanks for visit - Tom.

=========================================================


RE: My - Bob Bell Nissan

2/6/2010
Will Hart

Battery and air filters are not covered under the powertrain warranty. And who would want to help a third party Loud Mouth like you! Quote “What the Hell kind of Rip-Off operation are you guys running here? Good job helping a friend by being a Loud Mouth!

DEAR WILL -

Thank you for your kind assessment.

Your apathy, sympathy, and empathy are only exceeded by your IGNORANCE!

Hopefully, some day your - wife, daughter, or friend will get 'ripped off' by a dealer, in a like manner - then, maybe we'll all see how much testosterone you LACK!

FOOTNOTE: After clicking on 'View Members Site' in an effort to see what kind of work you posted - ALAS!

An Error appeared that you did NOT have a site! POBROCITO!

Should you ever actually read this - as a READER - and/or ever bother to read any of my other numerous postings - and don't like them - please do me a favor -

BITE ME !!! Have a nice day! Tom.

=========================================================

RE: MATLACK’S - No MO Snow - 2/10/10 -

ED -

I'M WIT'CHA 100 PERCENTAVOS!

GOT OUT YESTIDY FOR COUPLE HOURS, BOUGHT PELLETS FOR STOVE, CAME HOME THRU CITY MESS - TOOK 1.5 HRS. FOR NORMAL 1/2 HR. DRIVE. LADY FRIEND CAME OVER, HAD HELL OF A TIME PARKING HER CAR, BUT ALL OK.

THEN, EARLY MORNING TODAY, A-HOLE PLOW DRIVER LEFT PILE OF ICE BLOCKING BOTH CARS IN! THEN, 9:20 AM, ELECTRICITY WENT OUT FOR ENTIRE TRAILER PARK. COULD NOT EVEN MAKE A HOT CUP OF JAVA - THANK GOD IT CAME BACK ON 2 HRS. LATER.

MADE A BIG POT OF VEGETABLE SOUP, WIH PLENTY OF HAM IN IT - DEEE-LICIOUS!

NOW, . 8:15 PM, SNOW & WIND FINALLY STOPPED - MANANA MORE STRENUOUS DIGGING OUT!

STAY WARM, FRIEND ... TOM.

=========================================================

P.S. - THANK GOD! Thursday am early - the snow plow came - and finally did a GOOD JOB - and moved the mess left last time - AND -

GOD and MOTHER NATURE
brought us a beautiful, SUNNY DAY!



f

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Reviewed by J'nia Fowler 2/16/2010
Can't mention God! I mean give me a break. His name is on your cash and coin. Gonna melt it all down and then what? (In Debt We Trust) oh heck, so sue me or block me from your borders why don't cha? God God God God God God God God God God God God God. Hugs J'nia
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 2/12/2010
Wait a Minute! One of those demented Eds is a Wolf - Pee Wee Wolfman Ed. Another is the infamous old Jersey Devil - a flying reptile who actually eats pigs - whole. And, of course, the third Ed, old Edvard, is actually a lecherous old vampire. You don't even wanna know what goes on in his Swedish Castle dungeon.
Reviewed by Georg Mateos 2/12/2010
Demented Ed's? you have been eating too much of that Vatican crap that ain't holy but stinks to heavens!

Cuz Ole EDvard


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Tom Hyland



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