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Tom Hyland

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Books by Tom Hyland
UNHOLY CRAP
By Tom Hyland
Last edited: Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Posted: Tuesday, March 02, 2010



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Tom Hyland

• LUCK ?
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• GOOD PEOPLE vs. ARROGANT S.O.B's
• CONJUGATION OF VERBS
• RENT
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           >> View all 378


This may not be either Literal, nor Critical ...

nevertheless, I picked this category just to be different.






UNHOLY CRAP!

© - Tom Hyland - 2-13-10 to 3-02-10


RE: My - HOLY CRAP -

2/12/2010
Mr. Ed

Wait a Minute! One of those demented Eds is a Wolf - Pee Wee Wolfman Ed.

Another is the infamous old Jersey Devil - a flying reptile who actually eats pigs - whole.

And, of course, the third Ed, old Edvard, is actually a lecherous old vampire. You don't even wanna know what goes on in his Swedish Castle dungeon.

DEAR PEEWEE -

WOLFMAN - DRAGON - VAMPIRE ... ALL WANNABE’S!

Merely three lil pussycats - in disguise!

What do I have to fear? ‘Cause I got - GUTS - KAT-GUTS!

Me llamo - Tomas - “EL GATO” ... aka TomKat ...


2/12/2010
Georg Mateos

Demented Ed's? you have been eating too much of that Vatican crap that ain't holy but stinks to heavens!

Cuz Ole EDvard

DEAR OLE VARD CUZ -

I hereby issue a Vatican Papal FIAT - (or maybe even a ZUST?) -
Yew are too Cease and Desist from issuing any more Nasty-Grams from out of yer stinkin’ Swedish Dungeon!

Now, say Five ‘Hail Mary’s’ - and Two ‘Our Father’s’ - and Three Hundred and Sixty-Five ‘Mea Culpa’s’ ... and - call me in the morning!

Thereafter, for the mere pittance of - 100 Pounds Sterling, 200 Euros, and 300 Swedish Meatballs - I will Consider granting ewe a Plenary Indulgence of a fortuitous Fortnight of R&R in Purgatory!

NOTA BENE - THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE BATTERIES!

El Substituto Popo ...

Ecumenical Ecclesiastical Imprimitur Par Excellence’ ...



=========================================================

RE: My - ... and ... -

2/13/2010
J'nia Fowler

A bit of the Far Side I think. Clever Tom. Hugs

J’NIA -

I consider that a compliment, always liked that cartoon series.

Thanks, Tom.

2/13/2010
Ed Matlack

I never read in the crapper, I do my business & get out before I asphyxiate(sp?) myself...learned from experience, I did...ed

JOISEY -

Good thinking - avoid unintentional suicide ... TK.

2/13/2010
Mr. Ed

That poor Clem has a lot to learn. I made the holes in our two seater outhouse the exact same size. I even put one of those Lavender Air Fresheners on her side. We have lots of lovely conversations in there now! (But it does get kind of crowded when the dogs want to use it, too.)


2/13/2010
Georg Mateos

May you sit on a land mine and that it will clear your thoughts!!!

Cuz EDvard

PS. li'l Patrick is looking for trouble?


2/12/2010
Patrick Granfors

Uh oh, the Ed brothers might take issue with the caricature. Repeat after me Jersey Ed, Jersey Ed.

=========================================================

RE: Mr. ED’s - Wolf and Bear -

WOLFMAN - BEARWOMAN ...

It is said that a woman marries a man, hoping and thinking how she can Change him - and, a man marries a woman, hoping and thinking that she will NEVER change!

Eventually - BOTH FAIL ... but you two are the WISE OLD SAGES!

HAPPY V-DAY! TomKat ...

=========================================================

RE: My - FORT -

2/17/2010
Mr. Ed

I built a Fort in my backyard. Comes in handy when Mean Tall Woman goes on the Warpath. And the dogs are pretty good about sneakin in supplies!
2/17/2010

PEEWEE -

ARE YOU SURE YOUR 'FORT' AIN'T JUST YER 'OUTHOUSE' WITH THE DUAL SEATS?

WHERE YOU N' THE DOGS EAT THEM THAR PRUNE PLATZIKS - N' INSTANTLY CONVERT THEM INTO MANURE FER YER GARDEN?

N' LAVENDER-SCENTED MEAN TALL WOMAN SNIFFS IN DISGUST?

'FORT FARTY' MIGHT BE A GOOD NAME?

"REMEMBER MAN, THOU ART ASSES" - OOPS!
I MEAN ASHES!

PEACE ... TK.


Georg Mateos

For God's sake = don't spoil your cousins day with crappy intelligent poetry, our bird brains can't cope with it! Eat some toilette paper!!!

Ole Cuz EDvard

DEAR OLE GEORGIE-PORGIE PUMPKIN-EATER -

I DUN ATE SUM OF DEM PRUNE PLATZI-WHAT-A-CALL-ITS ... N' NOW NEED THAT CRAPPY TOILETTE PAPER TO MAKE THE 'TIE THAT BINDS!'

N' - JUS' REALIZED THAT ENCARTA LIST DID NOT INCLUDE THE MOST FAMOUS, BESTEST FORT IN AMERICA - RIGHT HERE IN OLE BAWLMER, MERLYN -

FORT MCHENRY - HOME OF THE STAR=SPANGLED BANNER!

"OH SAY CAN EWE SEA -
ANY BED-BUGS ON ME -
IF YEW DUE - PICK A FEW -
'CAUSE I GOT THEM FROM YOU!"

"REMEMBER MAN - THOU ART DUST -
AND UNTO DUST THOU SHALT RETURN!"

HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY TO ALL -
AND TO ALL A GOOD FORTNIGHT!

TK.


2/16/2010
Mark Lichterman

Uh... How's about, uh, Fornication - voluntary sexual intercourse.
Fornicate - generally forbidden by law???

2/16/2010
Ed Matlack

good one as usual...ed

=========================================================

RE: MY - DRINK ANYONE?

2/21/2010
Patrick Granfors

Very, very amusing but you missed Adam's first hangover, hard cider. Love your reference to the Pabst bottle baby. That became my first blue ribbon headache! Patrick

2/22/10 ... PAT -

GOOD POINT! But, Adam’s ‘Apple’ and Mike’s ‘Hard Cider’ didn’t quite co-exist yet.

And - “BLUE RIBBON” - didn’t ‘catch on’ until sometime much later!

Glad you enjoyed - appreciate the comments. Tom.

** P.M. ** as in - POST MORTEM ... as opposed to Post Script ...

Oddly enough, just a few days after posting this piece, watched a Documentary about ‘Secrets of The Great Pyramid - in it, they showed a ‘dig’ in which a 4,500 year-old Carsophagus was accompanied by none other than ‘beer jars’ - so, apparently the ancient Egyptians were drinking beer, way back then!

Considering that they stored Grains in Silos, which were often Guarded during periods of possible Famine - wheat, and barley, and malt, and hops were probably quite prevalent! Who knew?


2/21/2010
Georg Mateos

With...
Chivas Regal 21 years Salute
Remy Matin 25 years VSOP
Captain Morgan Dark Rum
Bailey's Irish Cream
and Coors
who the heck needs water?

Georg

AMEN GEORG - AMEN!

GOOD LIST! MY PREFERENCE IS ‘THE NECTAR OF THE GODS’ -

BAILEY’S ... TK.

2/21/2010
John Domino

This poem makes me want to go back to the bacic H2O.
Good job Tom!
Amen

JOHN - THANK YOU, KIND SIR! TK.

2/20/2010
Steve Chering

Nice long-long write. Loved reading it. And after being struck by the hand of.?.myself, its a wonder I can still read at all...?

STEVE - GLAD YOU ENJOYED - THANKS FOR KIND WORDS. TK.

2/20/2010
Tinka Boukes
Yes!!!

It is the worst drought we have in history....Western province - Between - George + Port Elizabeth!!

http://www.apanews.net/public/spip.php?article113864


Love Tinka
TINKA - WISH I COULD SHIP SOME OF OUR ‘BLIZZARD’ SNOW TO YOU IN AFRICA ... TOM.


2/20/2010
George Carroll

Good thing water lasted or we'd all be gone. Time was only eclipsed by the ponderous variations in your words and how each evolved into the wisdom of this poem.

George

GEORGE - DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH WISDOM IS THERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR SAYING SO. TK.

2/20/2010
Ed Matlack

No thank you on the alchohol, but I do love milk & some sodas, though diet are what I drink nowadays...by the way, you ARE long winded or long writing, hee-hee...ed

ED - LONG WINDED? MOI?

CAUTION ON ‘DIET’ SODAS - MAKE SURE NO ASPARTAME! = POISON!

GOOGLE THE WORD ... SOME ‘EXPERTS’ BELIEVE THAT IN ‘DESERT STORM’ THOUSANDS OF CASES OF PALLETIZED DIET SODAS, AFTER SITTING IN THE HOT SUN, HAD THE ASPARTAME TRANSFORM INTO FORMALDEHIDE - CAUSING MANY VETERANS LONG TERM ILLNESSES!

OTHERS STATE THAT FREQUENT DIGESTION OF ASPARTAME HAS CAUSED PEOPLE TO BE WRONGLY DIAGNOSED WITH M-S!

SIMPLE CHEAP TEST IS TO AVOID IT FOR 30 CONSECUTIVE DAYS - AND SEE IF ANY ‘SYMPTOMS’ MIRACULOUSLY DISAPPEAR!

CONSIDERING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH HEALTHWISE - IT
COULD VERY WELL BE A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP!

PEACE - FRIEND ... TOM.

=========================================================

RE: My - BLUE GOLD - Water Wars - Documentary Review

2/20/2010
Tinka Boukes
A thought provoking piece!!

Love Tinka

TINKA - THANKS! TK.

2/20/2010
J'nia Fowler

Interesting. We will look up that film. Most people who reside in the Fraser valley here in Canada don't know that we are providing a great deal of water to Washington St. and further south. The Chilliwack river touches on the border between our two countries and is being diverted away from the agricultural land in the south west of the valley; right under our nosed and blind folds. In addition, much of the land which has small rivers/creeks running through it has options placed on them for future development of hydro power. So even if you were to buy a parcel of land with this feature, guess what??? the water is not yours. Want a drink anyone? Water is gold alright and we all pay the sur-charges in one way or another. Thanks for sharing Tom. Hugs, J'nia

J’NIA -

THANKS FOR INFO ABOUT YOUR ‘NECK OF THE WOODS.’

AMAZING HOW CLOSELY OUR TWO GOVERNMENTS THINK, EH WOT?

HUGS BACK ATCHA ... TK.

2/20/2010
Mr. Ed

Contrary to what many still like to believe – fresh water, like every other resource on this dying planet, is a finite commodity, not infinite.

Global consumption of water is now doubling every 20 years, and our human population growth is now skyrocketing out of control. According to the UN, more than one billion people already lack access to fresh drinking water.

If these current trends persist, by the year 2025 the demand for freshwater is expected to rise to 56 percent above the amount that is currently available.

And, if all the above is true , it shouldn’t surprise anyone that gigantic corporations, like they do with every other dwindling resource, will be the ones deciding who gets the vanishing water, and how much it will cost them.

The family farm is already a thing of the past; giant corporations own the farming industry, and control our food prices, as they do the oil industry. Corporate owned water will soon join corporate owned food and fuel. And those that can afford to, will pay any price for Earth’s dwindling fresh water in the years to come.

This old world of ours just keeps getting worse.

ED -

THANK YOU FOR SUCH INFORMATIVE COMMENTS -

YES, A SAD WORLD INDEED! TOM.


2/20/2010
John Martin

Amen, Tom….Big Government-Big Corporations-Big Unions-Big Media…Big means lots of room for evil to hide and crawl it’s way to the top. Once there, we‘re all screwed..

JOHN -

BIG = BAD = WOLF! MONEY = POWER = GREED!

THANKS FOR COMMENTS. TOM.


2/20/2010
m j hollingshead
thought provoking article

MOLLY - THANK YOU - TOM.

2/20/2010
Georg Mateos

Boycott water and support the local industry of little bite small countries producing dark rum!!!

Cuz EDvard

CUZ ED - I’LL DRINK TO THAT! LIKE COCOANUT RUM! CUZ KAT.

=========================================================

RE: D. L. Johnson’s - Side Effects -

DAN - WELL SAID! HOPE YOU IMPROVE RAPIDLY.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU DO NOT DRINK 'DIET' SODAS, LOADED WITH THE POISON - ASPARTAME!

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MIS-DIAGNOSED BY PROFESSIONAL DOCTORS, AS HAVING M-S ... SYMPTOMS AFFECTING ALL KINDS OF 'BODY PARTS' - SOME EVEN SUFFER TEMPORARY 'BLINDNESS!'

SIMPLE TEST - STOP DRINKING SAID 'CRAP' FOR 30 DAYS - IF SYMPTOMS DISAPPEAR, YOU THEN KNOW THE CAUSE!

PEACE - TOM.

=========================================================

RE: My - LOVE makes ... -

2/23/2010
John Domino

Awesome poem...awesome poet...awesome photo!

JOHN -

THANKS FOR YOUR ‘AWESOME’ COMMENTS! Tom.


2/23/2010
J'nia Fowler

Awe, the power of love. Nicely done. Hugs, j

THANKS - J’NIA ...
2/22/2010
Karen Palumbo

As the world goes around and life marches forward through emotions and words of compassion and beauty...

Be always safe,
Karen

KAREN -

Thanks for the kind words. Tom.

2/22/2010
Georg Mateos
Man!...when you get literary serious you get very dangerous! my friend, in the name of many bards out there, the hats are off!

Georg

GEORG - THANK YOU!

OMG - I AM TRULY HONORED BY YOUR KIND WORDS. Tom.



2/22/2010
Ed Matlack

This IS one of your best, Tom...I liked it alot...ED

ED -

Well, thank you, my Friend - I’m honored. Tom.


2/22/2010
George Carroll

Gotta love the premise of this delightful poem.

George C.

GEORGE -

Thank you very much. I appreciate your comments. Tom.

=========================================================

RE: My - Critters That Rhyme -


2/25/2010
Ed Matlack

Goofy is a good word for this and the name of another dog...;-) ed

DEAR MATCHLESS -

... and don’t forget Pluto, and Benji, and Deppity! Tk.

2/25/2010
John Domino

Your critter poem sure made me smile! Praise God for His animals!
Amen

JOHN - Smiles are good! And a big AMEN to GOD!

2/25/2010
Georg Mateos

If I ever get me a cat (no way José) its name will be Tomsy in honor of a alley tomcat we know and missed a couple of times with an old shoe LOL

Georg

GEORG - I’D BE HONORED!

And old shoes are comfy - less’n they hit you in the ARSE! TK.

2/24/2010
Patrick Granfors

It's the message that counts Mr. Hylandumpy

PAT -

If’n you got the message - that’s good! ‘Forced’ rhyme sometimes sucks, but sometimes is just plain ‘fun’ to play with ...

Humpty-Dumpty H YLAND ...

2/24/2010
Karen Nivens

Cute! Sounds like a day in my backyard except my cats are inside cats. We just seem to always have a backyard full of critters

KAREN -

Thanks for commenting.

People who are nice to critters are nice people! TK.

=========================================================

RE: My - Industrial Espionage -

2/26/2010
Georg Mateos

"Congressional / Corporate Collusion and Greed!"
"Lying Controlled Media!"

Get rid of both and you will be talking, and don't forget tar and feathers!

Georg

GEORG -

TAR & FEATHERS - THAT’S THE TICKET!

A PROVEN OLD TACTIC THAT LET EVERYONE KNOW JUST HOW DESPICABLE A CHARLATAN WAS!

SEND IN THE TAR BUCKETS AND DUCKS! TK.



2/26/2010
John Domino

The only sence the goverment cronies know is the scent of a dollar. and more power. They want more and but it's OK for you can pay more. The scent of special intrest really means more power and glory for the politicans! The more they get the more they do not want to see what this may be doing to the little people like you and me. Amen!

JOHN -

I’M WITH YOU PAL!

LITTLE PEOPLE - STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!

DE-THRONE ALL GREEDY DESPICABLE IN CUMBENTS AT THE POLLS!

TK.


2/26/2010
John Martin

It would all make sense if we were on LSD, Tom. The problem is...you and me ain't, and they obviously are.

JOHN - LSD ... Long Standing Dummies! TK.



=========================================================

RE: My - The Glow of Love -

2/26/2010
Ed Matlack

Awwwww, I knew it that day you gave me a hug at the WaWa for my birthday, you are such an old softie, Tommy...Ed

ED -

You remember that? My family has always been a bunch of Huggers. Got it from Dad, the Irish side - the ‘other’ side, the Germans, were a bunch of more ‘subdued’ persons. Oddly enough though, they all loved BEER!

Now that I know you like Hugs - I’ll cancel that case of DEPENDS I was sending you - and changed the order to “HUGGIES” ... TK.



2/26/2010
Elizabeth Price


Awesome. I love Teddy bears. I'm going to go hug one now. Thanks for sharing the warm glow. Liz

LIZ -

Glad you liked - thanks for visiting! Tom.

=========================================================

RE: My - Miscellaneous ‘Stuff’ -

3/2/2010
J'nia Fowler

Goofy? I learn more from your "stuff" than I do from most news papers. Thanks for sharing. hugs, J'nia

J’NIA -

My Dear, you are too kind! Thanks, Tom.

3/2/2010
Georg Mateos

Disgusting Dissociative Dyslexia Diversion Directory, Dumb Dressing Down Dummies readers!

Georg

GEORG -

Very impressive! Wait til yew run thru the rest of the Alpha-Omega
Complex ... tk.


3/2/2010
John Martin

Thanks for clearing those up, Tom. A couple more of those and we'll all be able to understand what the politicians in Washington are talking about.

JOHN -

Good thought - but - if THEY don’t know what they are talking about -
We sure as hell never will!

Tom.




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Reviewed by Elizabeth Price 3/4/2010
Man, I still haven't gotten over the fact that Pluto was dropped as a planet. I'm in the heavenly sky and so far above you all. And everyone knows the Pope poops unscented crap. Dry, volumous, full of flatulance. Just read what he writes and you'll catch on faster. Hugs, Liz
Reviewed by Georg Mateos 3/3/2010
Is the Pope poop holy or unholy?

Cuz EDvard

Reviewed by John Martin 3/3/2010
Alas, summer times we r bet her off, more often, then knot.

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