by The Poetess (SRP)
Around the time when my mother’s body died, my 18 years with her felt too unloving. I deeply missed what we never had. I missed her Love. I missed it when she was here and I missed it even more after she’d gone. It’s not that she didn’t love me. She did show me her love when she wasn’t angrily reacting to, or running from, the harmful relationship she had with my father. But I felt abandoned more than loved. I’d felt like my mother and I were supposed to do things in this lifetime, which we never had the chance to do. It often seemed like there was something extremely important that she’d forgotten and left without finishing. And I felt cheated and abandoned by her.
My mother was the only member of my family who had insights or dreams about the future, in the same way that I do. She was the only one who understood me without being jealous, resentful, degrading or judgmental of my poetry and my depths. I think we could have done a lot to help each other and the rest of humanity if she’d not given up on her own life and died of cancer when she was only forty four years old.
And, on the flip side of this, I felt deep levels of guilt for not being very loving toward her while she was here. For many years it had bothered me that she’d gone Home without my ever having verbally expressed my Love for her. Just the fact that I did not ever actually say the words, “I love you, Mom”, left me with an aching emptiness inside my Heart. But I later learned that the death of a human body is not the end of a person’s life and certainly not the end of a Soul’s ability to grow and Love.
When I was in my late twenties, I started meditating and learning how to vision quest, Native American style. I found that visions came very easy to me. They brought me to a new level of awareness, to a world that exists beyond this physical world. In this other world, I frequented a huge castle of Light, which sat on the clouds and reached far up into the Heavens. Within this castle were many Angels who worked at sending beams of white Light down to the Earth, in an effort to help heal the world. (These Angels looked like glowing figures of White Light.)
During one of my visits, as I stood watching, one of them came to stand directly in front of me, handed me a large glowing gem, and asked me to place it in my Heart. As I did this, a wonderfully warm feeling slowly spread through my whole body. It felt like my Heart had blossomed. And when I looked up to thank the being who’d handed it to me, I was shocked to see my mother standing there.
Tears quickly streamed down my cheeks as my legs went weak. “I LOVE you,” she whispered, as she pulled me into her arms. And between my deep sobs I said, “I love you too.” And I cried in her arms until I woke from the vision.
As I opened my eyes my tears were still steadily falling. This experience was so incredibly real. Deep in my Heart I KNOW and FEEL that I Truly met my mother; that her Soul is one of the Angel Light Workers; that I really heard her say, “I LOVE YOU” for the first time in this lifetime; that I really finally told her that I love her too; and that I felt her Love blossoming into my Heart and Soul. There is nothing anyone can possibly say to convince me otherwise. This WAS real. It was as real as this print on this page.
Through this experience, I resolved the past issues I’d had with my mother. It’s felt as if, in those few minutes of fully opening my Heart to the depths of her Love and deeply crying out my sadness, I’d received what had been lacking throughout my 18 years with her. I no longer yearn for her to be here for me, because I know she is. I find deep levels of comfort in knowing that my mother’s Love is just a wish away, and that. . . it’s never too late to say, I love you.
by The Poetess (SRP)
Sitting up sometimes, late at night
Many thoughts run through my mind
Of a mother - gone from sight,
Of a Heart so hard, yet kind.
But I can’t say, I don’t see her.
When I sleep she’s in my dreams.
“Hello little Bum,” she whispers.
Oh, how real...so real it seems.
I see her when I see a rose
Or a willow tree.
She talks to me.
When I listen quietly,
Her voice, I can hear.
And when I think of her,
I feel her. . .oh so near.
I see her when I sleep
And feel her when I weep.
We can’t be torn apart.
She lives for all eternity,
With the Love inside my Heart.
She’ll never leave...No Never.
My mother’s Love will bloom forever.
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