This article describes how to deal with feelings in cases of Domestic Violence.
"Feelings Cause Behavior...Wrong." "Most of my clients(at Emerge) are not unusually repressed. In fact, many of them express their feelings more than some nonabusive men. Rather than trap everything inside, they actually tend to do the opposite: They have an exaggerated idea of how important their feelings are,and they talk about their feelings-and act them out-all the time, until their partners and children are exhausted from hearing about it all. An abuser's emotions are as likely to be too big as too small. They can fill up the whole house. When he feels bad, he thinks that life should stop for everyone else in the family until someone fixes his discomfort. His partner's life crises, the children's sicknesses, meals, birthdays-nothing else matters as much as his feelings...My clients keep trying to drive the ball back into the court that is familiar and comfortable to them, where their inner world is the only thing that matters." -Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" Towards the end of my marriage, I remember feeling trapped in my bedroom with my ex, talking for hours about his unhappiness with our relationship, with himself, with me. My children would want/need my help, the housework and other responsibilities would go by the wayside, as I tried endlessly to find a solution for my rapidly expiring marriage. Most days, we would hash out an incident...usually my abuser apologizing and promising to "never do that again" to me. He always did. In a very short time, he would lie, cheat, sexually/physically abuse me again. It always led back to the same place. All roads led back to him. He was sorry, hurt, jealous, sad, or in need of something from me. He never realized that HE was the only one who could make himself a better person. I don't believe he still has come to that realization, though it has been over a year since I took my children and left. I still hurt for him, but I know I can never help him. He must help himself. There is never an acceptable excuse for someone hurting you. They are making the choice to do so...very few people in this world are actually mentally ill enough to be able to claim they cannot control themselves(Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"). Most of us choose how we are going to deal with frustrations, disappointments, fear, hurt, etc... MY feelings dictate to me I should find a safe cave and stay there...somewhere in the middle of Africa where my abuser will NEVER find me, but my kids, they need me. They need me to be strong and brave and healthy. So everyday, I wake-up, I get up, and face the continued fire-storm my abuser continues to rain down on my children and I. I fight for their safety and happiness. I am CHOOSING not to let my feelings dictate my behavior or response. Do the same my friend...do not let your feelings rule you.