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richard buzzell

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Jersey Shore Writers Retreat
by richard buzzell   
Not "rated" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, November 22, 2010
Posted: Monday, November 22, 2010

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A Jersey Shore spoof inspired by Snooki's book deal.


While the announcement of Snooki’s book deal with Simon & Schuster caught the world by surprise, no-one will be surprised to see her cast-mates lend their celebrity status to her promotional efforts. Jersey Shore Writers Retreat would be the ultimate promotional vehicle. The idea would be to have the cast collaborate on the upcoming novel, “Jersey Bitch DTR”. Here’s a sampler:
All the cast members are seated in high-back chairs in a private library in an English-style country house. They’re all in their normal attire except for The Situation. He’s in a writerly outfit of corduroy pants, an oxford shirt with a tweed jacket, and a pipe in his mouth.
SNOOKI: C’mon bitches we need a motivation thing to get Jersey Bitch down to read.
THE SITCH: Motivation? You want motivation?
The Sitch sets his pipe down and stands up. He removes his jacket and sets it on his chair.
THE SITCH: How’s this for motivation?           
The Sitch rips open his shirt and starts gyrating his hips while flexing his abs. The rest of the cast, except for Snooki, cheers.
THE SITCH: Is that enough motivation to get Jersey Bitch DTR?
Snooki bolts out of her chair, throws her iPad to the floor, and storms out of the room.
CUT TO: The Sitch talking to the camera.
THE SITCH: Fact is I’m the idea guy for this mofo operation. Everybody thinks Snooki’s all the brains around here just because she’s read a couple books all by herself. That bitch needs to get off her high horse.
CUT TO: Snooki talking to the camera.
SNOOKI: Jersey Bitch DTR was my idea and now the Sitch’s trying to act like he’s all the writer genius because he’s got cut abs. He makes me sick. I feel like getting drunk and puking all over him.
CUT TO: The cast all seated on the floor in front of a chair in which Snooki is seated with a book from which she’s reading.
SNOOKI: ... and then the teacher said, “Congratulations Jersey Bitch. You’ve learned how to read. Jersey Bitch smiled. She was happy because now she would be able to read stories to all her illiterate friends, and they’d all live happily ever after.
Snooki closes the book. The rest of the cast cheers and claps.
THE CAST: Again Again Again Again.

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