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D. Earl Kelly

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Goat Entrails, Ham and Mr. Pinkie
by D. Earl Kelly   
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, January 08, 2011
Posted: Saturday, January 08, 2011

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They do everything at Wal-Mart these days.

Item 1:
I was at a restaurant the other day and a friend asked if I'd mind picking up the check.  Naturally, I obliged.  But, the only person that even remotely resembled a Czechoslovakian was a large, blondheaded man in a corner booth and he didn't seem to enjoy the experience at all.  And neither did his wife and kids.  They ran screaming into the night.

It never fails.  Any time I try to do a good deed, it ends up with "Hello, officer".  I've spent more time in handcuffs than Charlie Sheen's escorts.

Item 2:
My parents wanted grandkids in the worst way but I told them I didn't want to get married.  I explained that it would be more fun to play the field so, they put me in one.  It was a ten-acre plot with a tall fence, gardening implements and several bewildered tourists.  I spent sixth grade in there.  I was lonely but, chasing the Pakistani pilgirm around with a ham bone helped kill the time.  Fortunately, nobody ever noticed the grave-like mound.  And the tomatoes grew like crazy there.

Item 3:
My doctor says I've got to control my diet.  But, I don't know why.  I eat like a bird.  A condor.  And I keep the highway clean.  However, I decided to make an effort because he's such a grouch when I don't.  For breakfast, I ate a small bowl of caterpillar soup and graham crackers dipped in jellied cabbage juice.  For lunch, I had a small snow leopard casserole and celery.  But, he still wasn't happy.  I think it was the Virginia ham smothereed in chocolate sauce I had for supper.  I tell you, there's no pleasing the man.

Item 4:
As you might have guessed, my body is falling apart so I decided to take advantage of what medical science has to offer.  I got a tummy tuck, a face lift and a general body makeover.  They were on sale at Wal-Mart.  My surgeon, Sing Yow, noted that tucking a tummy like mine was going to be more like field dressing a buffalo but he would give it a shot anyway.  I've never seen a person sweat like that before.  He was grunting like a gnat towing a Hummer.

As to the face lift, he ended up having to employ a tripod used for lifting engine blocks.  It broke down three times.

By the time I was finished, I had a flat tummy, skin tighter than a base drum in a Macy's parade and an expression of perpetual shock.  Plus, there was a bonus.......double-d breasts and a third eye.  There was some sort of special on.

Item 5:
I finally found the perfect girlfriend.  Andrea.  She's quiet and very agreeable.  She seems to understand me and doesn't complain at all when I bring my pack of pet coyotes along on a date.  Also, she's yet to tazer me, cut me, run over me, scream, faint or call the FBI.  She's perfect.  Well actually, she's dead.

No, I'm not carrying around a mummified body.  What kind of person do you think I am?  Besides, it was only once and got her back before the burial.  Boy, some people have no sense of humor at all.

But, Andrea is different.  She was cremated and put in a jar in the shape of Marilyn Monroe.  What a babe.  She was seriously considering a Joy Bahar jar but then, she would have spent most of her Saturdays sitting on a shelf, unloved.  No fun in that.

I explained it to my psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic and he said I have the social graces of steamed goat entrails and honor him with the unbridled joy of a jalapeno enema.  Obviously, he was in a bad mood so I thought he might want to go in the bathroom and play with my boa constrictor, Mr. Pinkie.  It sure is quiet in there.

Shhhhh.  They're probably napping.



Web Site: Life In The Dweeb Lane

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Reviewed by Debra Conklin 1/30/2011
You know, psychiatrists aren't known for their sense of humor, so I wouldn't take ANYTHING that man said to heart.
Reviewed by Randy Stensaas 1/8/2011
great one, again. you have come through with the humor that is unmatched. keep it up.
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