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D. Earl Kelly

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Inlaws and Outlaws
By D. Earl Kelly   
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Posted: Tuesday, February 01, 2011

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Be careful when looking into your past.

I've been researching my ancestry for a number of years now.  It's interesting but, I've found that I should be careful when looking into my past.  I guess you could say my lineage is "colorful".

It appears that many in my line were killed in battle so obviously, we could be an ill tempered bunch.  I found one ancestor who was poisoned over a dispute with someone.  Another was charged but later cleared of witchcraft.  Yet another was assassinated at a peace conference.  Two were beheaded for treason against the king of England while another was hanged for standing and fighting with another king so it looks like we got whacked whichever way we went.

Another was quickly hanged (and I mean "quickly") after getting caught in a Lord's bedchambers with the Lord's wife who, by the way, happened to be the daughter of King Henry.  Needless to say...Adios muchacha.

One extinguished a lighthouse fire and moved it to a location on a dangerous reef in order to wreck a ship that was coming in.  Naturally, everyone on board died in the crack-up.  He did it because he didn't want his wife to find out about his other wife who was on board at the time.  Some would say he had one wife too many.  I'm thinking he had two.  Get a cat, dude.

There was Black Richard, Black William, William the Bastard, Robert the Devil, some guy called a "Mad Young Fighting Fellow" and a "Cubbie Roo" which sounds like someone I might want to take a pass on.

On the up side, one of my ancestors was known as, "the handsomest man in England" and was later knighted for going into battle carrying a squirrel's tail tied to a stick.  I just find them.  I don't explain them.

And then.......there's me.  I haven't murdered anybody and as far as I know, I only have one wife although there was that lost weekend in Reno.  I don't know any kings or their daughters so that isn't an issue.  Generally, I'm just an average guy and try to be a societal plus but it can be tough going when you make Slingblade look like a Rhodes Scholar.  Thankfully for society, I'm a rare commodity.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, says I have the people skills of a kamakazi, the lovability of an alligator gar and the subtle aroma of dead fish and crushing defeat.  But, he does the best he can with what he's got.  He had me scheduled for a prostate exam until I noticed he was using Drano, carburetor starting fluid and a lighted match.  I didn't know psychiatrists practiced that type of medicine but, it sounds like more fun than I deserve anyway.

He's obviously under a lot of stress so, as a special treat, I decided to let him play with my pet shark, Captain Peach Fuzz.  It wasn't like a day at Sea World but, other than having to run him down and toss him back in the tank every few minutes, it was pretty enjoyable.

He's such a playful scamp.


Web Site: Life In The Dweeb Lane

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