AuthorsDen.com   Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Lark Pogue, iGwendolyn Moore, iTerry Vinson, iLinda Frank, iWilliam Pusey, iWilliam Cottringer, iKen Brosky, i

  Home > Philosophy > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Duke LaRance

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Articles
· Poetry
· Stories
· 183 Titles
· 800 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Before 2003

Duke LaRance, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.




Featured Book
The Key to Success Your Psychic Powers
by Maryanne Raphael

How to develop your sixth sense by using your five senses to the maximum of your capabilities, living in the Present and making friends with your Past and Future.  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members



Independence Day Homily
by Duke LaRance   
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
Last edited: Friday, July 01, 2011
Posted: Friday, July 01, 2011

  Print   Save    Follow    Share 

Recent articles by
Duke LaRance

Wuhduhyuh Tink Eyam, Sumkinduhvah Bum-bah?
County Road Rage
I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Driving a Chrysler Product
Once a Murderer
two ninety-nine wine whine
Pronto, Tonto!
Don't Go Away Mad -- Just Go Away!
           >> View all

With (in)sincere apologies to Ed Matlack....

Independence Day Homily

 

While pondering the Great Mysteries of the Universe, I waddled into WalMart the other day. When I went to get a cart, a stupid looking couple with a stupid looking kid had pulled out a cart. Instead of moving forward an inch or two so other losers such as myself could get carts, Stupid Woman stood in the way trying to stuff Stupid Kid into the kiddy seat in the cart. The whole time, Stupid Man stood there with his stupid eyes closed and his stupid mouth open, a bit of spittle running down his chin, as if he were totally unaware of his surroundings.

Right as I was getting ready to give them all a big shove, Stupid Family finally started wandering out of the way. Before I could reach for a cart, Big Ugly Underdressed Woman, who had been lurking behind me reached in front of me and snatched a cart. It looked like she could grow a better moustache in a week than I could in a year. The hair in her armpits was long enough to braid. A three inch skid mark showed through the back of her shorts. I wanted to scream, “WHAT PART OF 6-3, 350 DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!” I calmed down when I realized that the arthritic elderly woman “greeter” (HUH?) could probably kick my ass.

Surprisingly, the rest of my shopping experience went very smoothly, despite having to dodge one imbecile after another meandering mindlessly while I tried not to run over their booger-eating offspring. One item that I purchased was an American flag set, mounting bracket, pole and hardware included, some assembly required.

After I got home, I saw much to my relief that the banner was made in the good ol’ USA and that the unit was proudly assembled in this, our Native Land. Then to my disgust and horror I discovered that the wooden pole, the cheap plastic bracket and even the screws were imported from godless Communist China.

Toins out, the flag company is located in Joisey. As I sit here right now calmingly documenting my experience, it’s all that I can do not to go that company’s website and bellow,

“LIEBER GOTT!!! CAIN’T YEW FELLERS GIT NO WOOD IN JOISEY???!!! EVERY MAN JACK OUT HERE IN MON-TUNA SURE AS HELL CAN, AND I MEAN BIG WOOD, TOO!! ‘Ceppin’ for lil ol’ moi….”

Amen.

COPYRIGHT(C)2011/duke larance/ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

duke larance -- the drugstore cowboy poet

 

 


Reader Reviews for "Independence Day Homily"


Want to review or comment on this article?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Ed Matlack
We have no more wood in Joisey...except in the Pine Barrens which is protected, so get your wood in Mon-tuna & quit yer bitchin' bout Joisey...;-)e
Popular Philosophy Articles
  1. Introspection, for the Times, they are a-C
  2. What kind of Age are we Living in?
  3. Myth Makers and the End of Myth
  4. The Romana Principle
  5. The (actual) Happiness Machine Inspired
  6. Is Faith an Addiction?
  7. Earth Day, was it?
  8. After the Dark Ages, what Comes Next?
  9. Universal Reasoning
  10. IS YOUR LIFE ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY OR...YOUR

In Search of Truth and Freedom; A Path from Ignorance to Awareness by Dietmar Rothe

A scientist/philosopher explores the mysteries of existence in a highly personal quest for answers to life's ultimate questions, forging a bridge between sterile science and spirit..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

The Emergent Principle by Tom Kitt

The pathways to personal power are many and varied and they are all very real. Or, at least as real as anything else. This book starts at the very beginning and takes you to the ve..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.