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Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)

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Resume Bloopers: Humor In the Workplace
By Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, July 13, 2013
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2011

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I worked for an engineering for over ten years. One day, I was in the Human Resources office, taking care of business. The HR Manager was going to throw some employee applications away because of the date of expiration, and he asked me if I wanted to see them, before he threw them out. I said sure, and, for the first time, I saw someone else's employment application, etc. And, what I saw that day...makes you wonder what school these people went to...of if they went to school at all...

There were about 30 folders in the pile, and I went through all of them and just scanned them...and what I saw would make a teacher turn over in their grave. 

Every conceivable mistake; miss-spelled words; sloppiness; carelessness, etc., and these people are submitting their job applications and resumes and asking for money in the form of a job. 

If I were the HR Manager, I would not have accepted none of these applications, and I would have thrown them away.  But, state laws required him to keep them in file for six months, etc.  Some of these people said on their applications, that they had college degrees.  Hard to believe...

Anyway, here are a feu resume blopers, which I hope will bring a smil to your fase...and their's no neede to thanc me...

MISTAKES ON ACTUAL RESUMES...

"I have learnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spearsheet programs." 

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 

"Wholy responsible for (2) failed financial institutions."

Reason for leaving job:  "Maturity leave." 
COMMENT: 
WOW!  I've never heard of maturity leave...must have been much more mature than anyone else in the office...

"Failed Bar Exam, with relitively high grades."

"It's best for employers, for me not to work with people." 

"Let's meet...so you can be 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho' in no time."

"I am a perfectionist, and rarely if if ever foget details."

MARITAL STATUS:  Single; unmarried; uninvolved; no comments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I'm not a horse." 

"As indited, I have 5 year of analyzing investments."

"Finished 8th in a class of 10" 

PERSONAL:  "I'm married with 9 kids; don't require prescription drugs." 

"I'm extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my present availability." 

QUALIFICATIONS:

"I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice.  I am a class act, and I don't come cheap." 

"I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made money and I've lost money.  I've been rich and I've been poor.  I'd rather be rich." 

"Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job hopping' ...as I have never quit a job." 

NUMBER OF DEPENDENTS:  "40" 

MARITAL STATUS:  "Varies; children; often"

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING LAST JOB: 
"They insisted that all the employees show up for work at 8:45 in the morning.  I couldn't work under these conditions." 

'Was met with a string of broken promises; lies and cockroaches." 

"I was working for my mom, until whe decided to move." 

"The company made me a scapegoat...just like the other 3 companies." 

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: 
"While I am open to the intial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed, that it be so oriented as to, as least, partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore...and that it be continued so as to ultimately lead to the application of rarefied facet of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility." 

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." 

"Please call me after 5:30, because I am self-employed and my employer doesn't know I'm looking for another job." 

"My goal is to be a meteorologist, but because I don't have any training, I suppose I should try stock brokroage." 

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: 
"Minor allergies to house cats and Monogoliean sheep" 

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood...14 gallons so far
." 

SMALL TYPO THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING...
"EDUCATION:  College; 1884-1984" 

WORK EXPERIENCE;
"Dealing with customer conflicts that arouse." 

"Develop and recomment an annual operating fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist." 

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation." 

And finally...speling, grammer, neetness, and punkuacion is one of the most important arenas on a job applicacion...your FIRED...See ya...

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