63, Life and Love
As my 63rd birthday nears, I have used this time to reflect on the last 14 years of living. To be completely candid, I thought I would have found my ‘one special one’ by now, but maybe it’s not meant to be, not destined for me to love and be loved in that way.
After two marriages totaling almost 30 years, one would think I would have married within a reasonable length of time after my divorce in 1998. Alas, I’ve come close several times, but there was always some reason, major or minor, that has kept me single.
Although I find the thought of walking down that aisle frightening, I do deeply believe in this committed union of one man and one woman.
Determined to find the right one, not just settling on someone to fill the space beside me in the bed and sit across the dinner table from me, it feels as though I have looked high and low and everywhere in between. I wanted someone with whom to share life, every facet of it. Now, feeling about as old as dirt, I cannot help but wonder if I have been too choosey.
The man with whom I have desired to share love and life is not some sort of untouchable male. He’s real, a man with integrity, intelligence and a gentle, happy spirit. That doesn’t sound like a lot to ask, but for whatever reasons, this man still eludes me.
I haven’t sought a drop-dead gorgeous man. I haven’t sought a multi-millionaire. However, several of both have crossed my path, but it was to no avail. After dating for a period of time, be it weeks, months or off-and-on for years, I eventually realized they were too caught up in their own being or stacks of money.
Far from bragging, I admit I’ve dated more than most, and quite frankly, I have found some amazing men, and some of them are still a part of my life on a friendship level. To every facet of life, there are the positives and negatives, so of course, there have been the losers, too. Fortunately however, it seems I have a magic mind eraser for the latter. I can no longer recall some of them, nor do I want to do so. After years of absence, when I hear from someone with whom I’ve had a one date wonder or so, am I expected to recall them? Not this woman, and I am honest with them. Out of the four that has happened with, I’ve seen two of them again. On the phone, their voices were not familiar and when meeting in person, I did not remember their faces. It is embarrassing, but the truth is the truth.
I’ve dated men who were my peers, men older than I, and a few who were substantially younger. There are pluses and negatives to each group.
I want to be loved and be in love. The one thing I do not want to be is the woman who a man bounces to after rejection from an ex-wife or ex-lover. I do not want to be someone he settles for just because he’s lonely. Yet, I yearn to hear my name called from another room, find little love notes stuck on the bathroom mirror, hold hands when walking down the street, see him smile when he sees me smiling back at him, join each other in healthy laughter, console each other when times are tough, be each others one and only, and as I mentioned earlier, just share life.
Alas, this man has eluded me for 14 years now, and I am weary from the search. I am tired of attending family gatherings and social functions alone. I loathe eating out by myself, and refuse to go to a movie by myself. With age, I have realized life cannot be taken for granted. There is no guarantee of the next moment, much less the next day, month or year. I do not want to leave this world unloved and alone, but that may be what transpires if my 'one special one' doesn’t soon make his presence known to me.