I am an expert chef.
My favorite moment in cooking is when I reveal my final product and two words run through my head, “nailed it.”
My popcorn was Pinterest inspired, not unlike many of my other kitchen ventures. It looked and sounded fabulous at first.
5 ingredients, a microwave and some sprinkles—this recipe was Lexi proof; or so I thought.
Stupid move #1- I thought it would be yummy to substitute popcorn for Cheetos puff corn, or more commonly referred to at my house as “that yummy/gross crap that auntie uses to make caramel popcorn gunk.”PUFF CORN IS ONLY GOOD ON AUNT’S CARAMEL POPCORN GUNK.
Stupid #2-We didn’t have the right kind of cake mix, it called for yellow cake, all we had was angel food.
They are basically the same; except for the fact that Angel food cake mix tastes like crap, actually crap probably tastes better, angel food cake mix tastes like metal, and probably causes cancer because last I checked eating metal causes those sorts of diseases. Someone should sue Betty Crocker.
Stupid #3- I attempted to half the batch, I did my math wrong because instead of coming up with a nice pourable popcorn cover, I got a brick of white chocolatey, metalic tasting, cake mix. Therefore I did the most logical thing possible, I stuck my spread in the microwave.
-Cake mix cooks in the microwave, not softens-
So now I had an extra hard brick of batter and chocolate. I did the next most logical thing possible and added hot water and stirred it up really fast, while praying that it would thin down my clump. It worked for the time being.
Stupid #4- I was too lazy to reach in the drawer below me, to get tongs to toss my popcorn with, because I have hands. Who needs to toss their popcorn with a tool that would need to be washed when they have hands? This effort combined with the extra stickiness to my chocolate mix made my popcorn have a gross, almost fuzzy texture.
I then finished as the recipe instructed,
“Pour the popcorn out onto cookie sheets to cool/harden. Sprinkle immediately with your choice of sprinkles.
Wait until fully hardened (if you can) and enjoy spit the nasty popcorn back into the sink!”