" The way the story develops is what appeals to me. i like it well. Lester's version of truth seemed more real, why shouldnt it? But as his true colours were tested, that Gretch would cheat on him became less credible. I love how coincidentally Cynthia refused to injure herself at the same time. That would make him want to believe~ok childishly as if all women are same~that Gretchen would be capable of self harm as per lies etc about Eddy, not likely she'd look at him twice. These old fashion values are a sign of love..but the book and all with cynthia having to bleed a sign of a test of Love. It was the wrong leg, ie she .again as archetype,would stil one day hav to be injured for real love without giving powers to the man thus making a monster of him, this means be willing to risk Lester's jealousy should it arise, and be her 'own person.' and spend time with friends, even be far away sometime, and love other boys now and then'but never lie or have reason to. ok I'm a romantic again by conversion after reading it."
"The writing is good and your imaginations is super. Drop the "baby sister" anecdotes. As she (Sydney) is a teen? Plot progression: This could use some help. YOur story proceeds effortlessly to the dinning scene. Then your reader is slammed with Lester's troubles".
"I really liked the beginnings of this story. I found it captured my interest and I would keep reading this book. The characters could have used a little bit more discription with the exception of Lester, I could visualize him well. I felt like the story progressed at a good pace and I didn't have to go back and re-read any of it and I didn't get bored with any of it either. I was able to understand the idea of the story. The dialoge was good. The settings could have used a little bit more discription as well. I liked it."
"First off, congrats on creating a good original sounding monster. I love how the first thing he picks up is a camcorder, I would be excactly the same!
just some little bits I think could be improved:
faulty - at fault"my wife was killed and my younger son’s been hospitalized.”
“Oh no! I saw your wife’s body on the news. Oh, I am sorry Sir; I hope the police are doing something about it,” said the captain of the train.
“That is my wish too.”"The character seems a little too untraumatised for some who had jsut lost wife.
Also think the police take all this little too seriously too begin with. Unless this is a world where strange creatures wander all the time?
And it is turn out, therefore turned out or turns out, not turnout.
But, all in all, a good premise to build a story on, and an extract that I enjoyed reading. Good Luck!"
"Good luck with your writing and with this story in particular.Also, there was plenty that I liked about this story too. Your characters are likeable. I liked Lester, thought his mother was very kind and his little sister sweet. I felt bad for Lester as he stewed over the unfaithfulness of his girlfriend. Well done. "
It is really very good..The similarities i find are Azura.Those monsters which wither one- and just grow as if from nowhere, are a collective, known as Azuras. Fear is what sets them off and they grow rapidly.sounds hildlike.Akashic Chronicles These are records written in a metaphysical plane. ..accessible to prophets and seers on a certain level, and by reading them, one can accomplish things. the karmic aspects are tied up with the chronicles. No one can read them who is not ready to. Its interesting to me because in the story Lester - who actually did tell the story, and set them off, would in some way be responsible, but he has to deny it or he would be arrested again, and wouldn't be able to set things right, which only he can do because he knows how to fend them off and dimly remembers where he learnt it -
at the same time, that he cant actually remember what is in the book, he just knows where it is.The karmic consequences of a previous life
By Ngosong Taku
I think it will be coherent to say that the one thing which prompted me to turn this artistic piece of imagination into my first novel, is that I grew up separately from home, but together with my elder brother, at my grandmother’s house, where we learned how to imagine anecdotes that we believe have never been told before and tell them to one another, as a competitive way of forgetting the fact that Mom and Dad were away, and to recover from grief of the tragic loss of our kid sister in a ghastly motor accident.
But when my elder brother was also separated from me, at the time when I needed him most, it pushed me into writing more anecdotes and hiding them underneath my bed, until the day we meet again. But unfortunately we grew up into manhood without him getting to read it, and when we met he was already into poetry and play writing. So his writings gave an overwhelming inspiration and the courage to write, since I already knew how to create. The anecdotes I have gathered over those years of solitude now fitted themselves suitably into the first chapter of what today became The Monsters of Veloria.
The Creepy Tale
Many decades ago in small town of Veloria, in East Verolina, about some sixteen hundred meters away from the Ocean, lived a small peasant family. At the edge of Serenity Street, to the right, was the Williams residence, which lay amidst the homes of the well-liked industrious men in East Verolina.
Lester Williams was a first son to the belated Agronomist, Dr Edward Williams, and an attorney; Mrs. Marylyn Williams - a private lawyer, who already made a fortune but still cultivated the soil to keep her late husband’s love for agronomy.
Lester was eighteen and a teenager with a first-rate intellect. He had deep blue eyes and a slender body. He often was very curious to know things that he believed might be of superseding importance to him in the near as well as far future. He had always admired the police force, military intelligence and spent a greater part of his leisure time reading novels or watching movies about scientific detection. This best explained why he studied criminal law, scientific detection and a general application of military intelligence at the university.
Lester’s kid sister, Sidney Williams, had just turned sixteen and was doing standard five of the secondary school. She had long black hair drummed to the back of her head. She liked watching TV shows and infant programs like cartoons. She did not cherish reading a lot, but acclaimed listening to her brother’s scary and detective stories. Sidney Williams spent a lot of time with her teenage friends; Arleen Marcel and lea Jackson. They talked about school and pleasure.
Mrs. Marylyn Williams was forty- five years old, and she was a widow who devoted all her life to raising her two kids after she dreadfully lost her husband to excess consumption of alcohol, when Lester was only two and Sidney still in the womb. In spite of her being so indulged in raising her kids and living her late husband’s dream, she could not allow her ill health to be the center of all her worries, so, being an asthmatic, she moved around with spray in her wallet.
Lester was sitting in the orchard with Sidney and he was reading a story to her, which was all about some very fierce and scary monsters called Vindigoes, which emit blue light as they fly in the air. The end of the story was very unusual for her, because Lester had always read detective stories to Sidney, and not scary ones. So she became so scared feeling in her mind how fierce and astonishing this monster could be.
“What will happen if your story turnout real?” she said.
“No my love, it’s nothing but a story, and that is just a pure invention of imagination in your mind - and Sid, you just can’t keep having such weird imaginations, a story like this one is meant to relax your mind and take away stress, and not run it out of decent reasoning.”
“But I can sense that something dreadful will happen while we are asleep,” she became persistent.
“Why and how is that going to happen? I told you it’s nothing but an imagination in your mind,” he protested.
“Because you read that story, I am scared. Can I sleep in your room tonight, Lester?
“No, that’s out of the question, if you are scared then go sleep with Mother.”
“Lester, don’t say afterwards that I did not inform you that these creatures have long been trapped in that story, and so, by reading it to the end, you have detonated their coming into the real world.”
“Hey Sid quit those fantasies, you make me sick, I don’t think it would be such a brilliant idea for me to read my stories to you again. Consider this one the last one,” he said to his sibling.
“Deal,” she replied.
As they were about to leave the Orchard, Mrs. Williams called out loud from a large living room window to her two adorable kids; “Lester my love, can you come inside with your baby sister? Supper is ready.”
Lester and his sibling moved in and went straight to the dining table for a Saturday evening dinner. Lester sat at the edge of the table, to the right, facing the living room, and Sidney sat next to him on the left. Lester served himself some spaghetti, four pieces of plantains and two meatballs. Then he cut some chicken with a table knife. Sidney ate the same combination, and Mrs. Williams took some chicken and six pieces of fried plantains. She poured orange juice into the glass of every one on the table. Once they started eating but Lester was not, he did nothing but swirl the food on his plate, thinking about the anguish he had felt the day before. Mrs. Williams looked up to him and became a little troubled. “Hey Sweetheart, you aren’t eating your food?” Lester did not respond. She ate on, knowing that he would eat when he pleased.
Lester leaned back on his seat as his kid sister and mother ate on. She shouldn’t have done that to me, no! Not after all the vows and promises we made to each other not to break any of the vows, no matter what. It was previewed that we would make love only on the eve of our marriage, because she is the only girl I ever knew in my entire life. Women are a curse to the entire humanity…he kept thinking. Gretchen Jefferson, his one and true love, had an affair with his best friend, Eddy Bowman, breaking a vow and love story that she and Lester had built for close to half a decade.
“But then again, who am I to judge her?” - Or rather – “there is nothing to even think of judging. She took her stand;” - as well as - “I am in a better position to take mine now, and if there is one thing I ever learned from this situation, it would be that true love sucks and a man who wishes to be happy in his life should never invest in it. I tried loving and I am lovable, but no matter how hard I try I still get tilted to one edge.”
“I know what that face represents,” Sidney said to Lester. “Sometimes the universe tries to knock it out of you, but if you believe in yourself the way some people believe in fairytales, and keep away from the things that make you sad, you will never have to buy a smile to wear it,” she continued.
“Whose face represents what? Am I missing out on something Sidney?”
“No Mama, it’s just a little sister– to- brother talk.”
“This has nothing to do with you Sid, you are a great little sister,” Lester pointed out.
“I think I am missing out,” mother came in again. “Does anybody want pepper? I take the silence for a no,” Mrs. Williams seemed not to be talking to her kids, but to herself. “Sweetheart, you still aren’t eating your food. What in the world could be troubling my son?”
“Nothing, Mama”, he defended, as he walked into his room.
“Mother, can I ask you a favor?”
“Yes my love, go ahead.”
“Mother would you mind if I pass the night with you? I am a little scared from the story that Lester read to me this evening, I can see it happening tonight.”
“What are you talking about, baby; it’s been a while until now that you have been acting weird, and now your brother too has begun his own scene of strange doings. I don’t understand my children any more. Lester is refusing to talk to me and you are seeing some monsters from a mere storybook come real. No, I wouldn’t mind though! But there are no monsters okay?”
“Thank you very much, Mother. I don’t know where I will be without you.”
Sidney cleared the table and went to her bedroom to put on her nightgown, while Mrs. Williams stood lamenting on the circumstances.
“What could be happening to these children?” she kept thinking. The doorbell rang. It was Gretchen at the door. Mrs. Williams headed for the door, and as she opened it, she greeted Gretchen.
“Hey, come on in Sweetheart, Lester is in his room, but before you go up and meet him, there are questions I would like to ask you. First, I want to find out if there is any misunderstanding going on between you two?”
“No, not in my knowledge. Everything is fine, Mrs. Williams;” she defended.
“Are you sure you are not hiding anything from me?”
“No Madam, all is well.”
“Okay Gretch, go upstairs and meet him, but be careful, for he’s been acting strange, in a way that I have never seen my baby boy behave before.”
She was still convinced that there was a problem between those two. “I know my son well enough,” she whispered to herself as she walked into her room, where Sidney lay on the bed, fast asleep. She watched her sleep for a while and then recited her usual prayers.
"My Lord, my God, you have all your angels gathered around you to watch over us, guide us through life, don’t let us through the bad path but deliver us from all evils. The devil is a liar and will always be. So my God please watch over my kids for me and take away what ever is disquieting them. Amen."
Meanwhile Gretchen knocked at Lester’s door and went in, then she tossed herself on him, as he was lying on the bed, and then she attempted kissing him, but it did not work. “Hey my love what is happening? Is there a problem?” She asked, as she squirmed to the back of the bed.
He was still for a moment then impulsively broke out minutes later, “I should be asking you that” he replied. “You probably want to know what the problem is..Huh! Eddy, yes Eddy Bowman and my girl friend. Leave my room now that you know the state of my mind,” he said.
“Baby, please this is the hand- work of the devil, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Yes, that is exactly the point; I don’t understand my girlfriend any longer,” Lester said.
“Eddy was paid by Regina Roberts to come between us, Susan Russell, a friend of Regina’s told me everything yesterday, and I was planning to inform you, for you to know what a bad friend Eddy is, only for you to start acting this funny.”
“Yes that’s it; I am the one acting funny now, and you now yell at me too,” he protested.
“No one has ever laid a finger on me but you my love believe me. It was all framed up by Regina so that she would get you as her boy friend. Eddy was paid by her to move around campus saying that he made love to me. Wake up Sweetheart, they are all stories. You know I will never break our vows for nothing in the world.”
She told him all that she knew, and besides. “If you can bear your own faults then while blowout the fault in someone closer to your heart.” She opened the door and left in a hurry, crying.
He had hardly bought her story, so he did not actually make a move as she left. “As if I am the one faulty here.”
As Gretchen left, the night was almost still young and humid but was vividly growing old as from the annoyance on Lester’s face. Lester decided to watch a movie before going to bed. He turned on the TV and went to the kitchen to fetch some fruit juice from the refrigerator. Once he was comfortably seated with his glass of fruit juice on a side stool, he began watching his movie, which was a detective story.
The movie was proving very attention grabbing to him as he focused all his awareness on it, as it was in his utmost plan to get rid of his annoyance of a cheating girlfriend. He was already replacing the main character of the movie by himself, in his mind, as he always does in most of the times he watches an interesting movie. It was kind of weird, as he felt the presence of a bad spirit, then he thought it could just be his distress for his recent tribulation with his girlfriend. On another note, he reminisced on what Sidney had told him earlier in the evening, and then he puffed as if -of all the things in the world - only that one found its way to his mind, which gave him a little relief again..
The Glooming Blue Illumination
Before long, Lester overheard dogs in the neighborhood barking. He put out the TV for a while, and then he saw Blue light reflections gleaming into the living room, via the large living room glass windows. This was to the point where the whole room turned blue for sometime. Then came a loud scream which grew louder and louder. His mind just switched in to an intuition. He thought for a while, “Now more than ever I know! Sidney was right; they have come to annihilate mankind…but that was only a story.”
He kept thinking; “the lights truly resembled those of the Vindigo monsters as found in the book. He went into Sidney’s room and she was not there, and he became a bit disconcerted, and then into his mother’s, where she spent the night. Then he took a deep breath. “Good God -thought she was gone with the monsters.”
As audacious and heroic as he was, Lester took a mirror and a video camera to film his target, and he took his late father’s pistol out of its case in a drawer and quickly screwed the silencer to it.
Closing the door behind him, he went up the empty streets through the quiet night to the home where this was taking place. The monster was real and had the exact description as in the story. Jesus Christ! He murmured to himself as he spied via a large glass window and his eyes fell on the creature. He began filming the scene. It was tall and gigantic. It was the ugliest animal he had ever seen walking on two feet.
Lester moved flipside from his spying point for fear that the monster may perceive him, while continuing the recording. He then moved into the Bowman living room through the door that the Vindigo monster had broken passed, leaving a passage that was almost motor able. He stood on a far end and shot at the monster with his pistol, but the bullet bounced back and almost stroked him. “Jesus of Nazareth!” He cried, while moving to the rear and crossed over the dredged lifeless body of Mrs. Bowman, as his camcorder also fell on the floor near Mrs. Bowman’s body. The monster had already seen him and was about to flutter briskly to get him, but he still had one method of defense to use. So Lester pointed a mirror at the monster and it became puzzled, just like in the storybook.
In a jiffy, the monster was very confused, and made high-pitch whistling noise, which disturbed the entire neighborhood, loud to the point where people in Serenity Street observed a short-lived blockage of the eardrum. It turned and saw the little boy, Ken Bowman, who heard the noise made by the monster and came to see what was going wrong. The Vindigo picked him up and flew away but later on dropped him in an out- cold state on the terrace while flying away.
Eddy Bowman had hid himself at the rear of a cupboard, all this time, while the monster was dredging his mother's body. He was helpless and consumed by fear. At the time he sensed the absence of the monster, he came out of his hideout, only to find his mother's body lying on the floor with her blood and body fluid dredged to the bones. He wept spiritlessly and came up to the spot where she was lying. His tears had almost soaked his pajamas.
Mrs. Bowman could only be recognized by the clothes she wore. Lester went down and took his camcorder whilst asking Eddy to dial 844 and ask for two ambulances to come and take the body of Mrs. Bowman and the comatose little boy to the hospital, and then 855 to alert the police. Eddy turned and started making vociferous clamors, saying that Lester is to blame in view of the fact that he came to take revenge on him with the monster, as per the rumor that devastated the campus in which Eddy is said to have had an affair with Lester’s girlfriend.
“Eddy, you should be ashamed of yourself for being up to no good, and of your wishy-washy attitude. When are you going learn how to be a man of your own reputation? I walked through the wrong path when I used to take you for my best friend, as clearly you’re the opposite. Thanks anyway for finally showing me your mind; but between us I recommend you change your attitude, if you are interested in living amongst people and being reputable.” Lester who had had it up to his neck poured it out to the friend he had always believed in from childhood.
“Spare me all the sermon; you deserve all that is happening to you now,” Eddy grinned saying.
When he reached the phone, he called two ambulances, and called the police. At this time Lester went out to the yard, and while moving to the spot where little Ken was lying, he took out the tape from the camera and put it in his pocket, throwing the camcorder in to a flowerpot in the orchard while keeping the cassette. Then he went down and took the little boy inside. Ken was still out cold due to the grips of the monster with its flippers, and how the monster dropped him from a height.
Until then, Lester could still not believe his eyes, and that the monster he read about in some story book turnout real. “But Sidney told me all this and I did not believe her; I totally disregarded the fact that it at times occurs to her to see into a near future. But this is more like in a dream.” He kept memorizing. “I will have to nourish her intellect again so that she can tell me more about this whole mystery.”
By Lester’s estimation, the monster was about 2.5meters tall and the largest creature he had ever seen walking on two feet. In the place of a mouth, there was a large sucker adapted for sucking blood and even flesh. Hands and feet made of tentacle structures or flippers with the two lower ones adapted for walking and the two upper ones adapted for gripping at and most imperatively tearing. Between the flipper structures were translucent flaps of skin adapted for flying swiftly in the air. Then the whole body was stratified dorsa-ventrally into cracks that emitted blue light as it flew through the air.
“Oh no! The novel, the monster will get the novel, and also harm my family,” Lester rushed outside saying but it was already too late for him, because the police were already present. But the monster had nothing to do with the novel.
“I saw Lester change into human from the monster. He came here and transformed into a monster, then he killed my mother and wounded my kid brother ferociously,” Eddy explained to detective Jacob Childers and his patrol partner, detective Devine Marshal. “He has been acting weird all this while and has been reading all sorts of mysterious books,” Bowman added.
“But that isn’t true ; he is just trying to set me up so that he could date my girlfriend. But check and see if that was not a kind of decoy.”
The police officers, on viewing what the monster did to Mrs. Bowman, had no time to listen to Lester’s version of the story.
Childers asked Lester; “what could you be doing at the scene of a crime if you are to be innocent?”
“I just came to help out after…” Lester tried proving his innocence.
“End it right there”, Childers said to him. “You are coming with me to the police station, where the rest of your story will be explained right there in the presence of the captain.”
At this time, there was a commotion already waiting in front of the Bowman residence. Everybody was talking at the same time. Detective Jacob interviewed two of the neighbors who said they saw nothing but an eccentric creature flying in the air and emitting blue light.
Detective Jacob Childers made calls to Captain Trump and inspector Freeman, who were in their respective homes and informed them about what they saw at the Bowman’s Residence.
The Captain in turn called inspector Freeman and asked him to immediately join him at the office, so they could think of how to remedy the situation, which only be arbitrary for in the meantime.
Mr. Bowman himself was on a business trip to Maindream. When Eddy told him via phone what happened, he hurried immediately to the train station to catch a train. He was consumed by chaos and grief for his family.
He created a chaotic situation at the train station when the ticket seller refused to sell him a ticket, with the pretext that the only train that leaves Maindream city - the capital city of Vaitnia - for Veloria, was full. He was taken by the police to the police department, where he was allowed to express his mind, and when he did, the Maindream police made a call to the Veloria police who confirmed that an unknown monster attacked his family.
As Mr. Bowman came back to the rail way station the train had kicked off and so he jumped and hung on one of the doors, and as they advanced, the train captain saw him through the screen and opened the door to let him in. “Sir, can I see your ticket please?” He demanded.
“Sure, why not. Here,” he pulled out his ticket.
“But Sir your train is not this one but the one that leaves early in the morning. Why are you fighting to get aboard? You could have gotten yourself killed, if I did not see you through the screen,” the captain said to him in little half annoyance.
“I know I am not on the right train, but - believe me, if you are in my shoes at this moment you will want to do even worse than this to get home. My son just called and told me that my home was attacked by an unknown creature, my wife was killed and my younger son’s been hospitalized.”
“Oh no! I saw your wife’s body on the news. Oh, I am sorry Sir; I hope the police are doing something about it,” said the captain of the train.
“That is my wish too.”
“ I wonder what kind of creature will kill somebody and render them unrecognizable like what we just saw on television!”
As the shriveled body of Mrs. Bowman was loaded into an ambulance, and the little boy rushed to the hospital in another ambulance, Lester was taken to the police Department in a police patrol vehicle. This was beyond all explanations that he could imagine. Not only the monster he read about emerged from the blue, into reality, but now he is being taken to the police department for unjustified crime.”
When Lester got to the police department, he was interrogated by the police captain; Mr. Phillip Trump of the East pack police department. But before he was questioned, detective Jacob Childers said to Trump; “we also found this teenager on the crime scene with a weapon in his hands, and a mirror with which he pretended he puzzled the monster with.
“Now the boy whose mother was murdered by the monster, told us he saw this youngster transforming back to human, after killing his mother. Afterwards, two neighbors told us how they heard the screaming, and later on saw a creature in the form of blue light flying away in high speed.” Childers told the police captain.
“Eddy is a liar; the neighbors are telling the truth.” Lester protested.
“Hey, would you shut the hell up? You have not been asked anything as far as I know. Here, you only talk when I ask you to do so, understood?”
“Yes Sir,” Replied Lester.
A Night in Jail
“Gentleman, you are Lester Williams, the son of the late Dr. Edward Williams. So can you tell me briefly what you were doing on a crime scene?”
“Well! Sir, I came there to help scare away the monster,” answered Lester.
“Have you by any chance ever seen this creature before this night?”
“In real life, no Sir, but I read a story which talked about a similar creature, so when I saw blue light in the air which eventually reflected into our house, I knew exactly that this creature was real; my kid sister, who sees most of the time into the near future, told me that the story I read to her was going to turn out real tonight and will result in many lost of lives in our city, but I thought she was over-reacting, basing her fears on having listened to a creepy story - but my instincts can’t have been any worse than just the center of deception -in view of her vision -which until now still remain a mystery to me, for the only reason that I have never believed in her “forecast”, as have the habit to call it, whenever she comes up with one. This creature has come to annihilate mankind, like in the story book.” Lester told the police captain all he knew about the creature.
Trump took his phone and called for Inspector Freeman. “Yes, Freeman, it’s me, I would like you to immediately send patrol teams to Serenity Street, Veloria center, and the little town of Devina. Make sure they are armed with the best weapons we possess. We have to act fast in order to get to the root of this tragedy before things get worse than we already have here. As for the kid, he is passing the night in a cell for us to be quite sure he has nothing to do with the outbreak.”
“Consider that done! - and for the kid, that is rather a good approach, Sir.”
As it was his duty as the captain to co-ordinate all other police sub-stations in the state of West Velorina, he then called the Velorine police post, which had the greatest number of officers, and instructed them to spread patrols around the city of Veloria, and alert every other police Department around West Velorina - especially in Seka Blue Lake City, which -his instincts told him - most of such kind of wild creatures considered as home, as a result of its vegetation and litter; lastly the Polivenia department should also be notified about the alien invasion which could result in a great lost of humanity in the state, and elsewhere in the country.
“Well! Mr. Williams, I’m afraid you are staying the night at the police department, until we get clear cut information about this creature, and the entire mystery, then that can put you in an innocent position. The story you recounted is not credible enough for me to let you go Scott-free.”
“But Sir, I have lectures to attend to in the morning,” Lester protested.
“I am afraid I just can’t do otherwise. I have to let instincts speak to me at this time and not emotions; it is called foresight. I wouldn’t be a policeman if I don’t believe in it. We are here to protect lives and not lead them into ruin, Son!”
“I am not your son.” Lester protested with a grimace, as if he was ready to do something which could, for once in his entire life, exceed the bounds of reason, but the fragility of the problem - visa vi the personality that he had planned to build in his ever- yearning career- life, was at this point held by a single string, and it would be prudent if he did nothing to break that one- but- only string.
“That’s correct you are not, but it is also true that the late Dr. Williams was a very good friend of mine, and I would not like to see his only son buried into such a mess; but then I still have to carry out the duty for which I took an oath - that of protecting lives, remember! - If not, tomorrow, when many lives are taken and many fingers are pointed at me, no one else but me would be held accountable.
“I can’t do otherwise in such a situation,” went on Captain Trump. “The most I can do is call your mother.”
“No! That is too dangerous; don’t call her.” Poor mother, if she finds this out she won’t be able to endure it this time, consider how much she is already very sick, Leste