Blogs by The Poetess
Rambling Basket Case
1/20/2011 9:42:45 AM
The moon must be effecting me! LOL Seriously, the past week has been very healing for me in the way of releasing - venting pent up feelings. . .
In case you do not know, I have been homeless for most of the past five years. And in the past couple weeks am feeling trapped and physically ill and have been needing to vent into this box, for lack of anyplace else to do it. Please forgive me.
I'm needing to return to living in my car in the middle of this ridiculously cold winter, and see only the bright side of it. . . and pick myself up. . . and get rested. . . and do my work. . . and get another job too. . . and get rid of my fever. . . and buy healthy food with no money. . . and exercise more with no strength. . . and too many other things. . . and smile and just keep smiling so that everyone else can be happy. (OOOPS! Sarcasm here! I warned you that I'm venting.) Or. . . I could just keep pretend that my situation isn't all that tough for me so that other people won't have to feel bad or feel obligated or get depressed...etc.,, even though I'm becoming painfully depleted and there's a little voice crying from deep inside my heart, "I count too!" OR I could keep trying to find menial jobs that I have no experience in, for people who do not want to hire me. OR I could just slide into oblivion with drugs or alcohol. . .and probably really would if I could tolerate the stuff. OR. . . Alright! I need to get a grip. I'm going to sit myself down, pull my pen out of my purse/suitcase and write down a plan. Yes! That's it! Good idea - a plan. Here goes. . .
My first step is to continue selling advertising for my "Bud" publication, although I'm finding that these two months are not good ones to be asking local businesses to spend extra money on advertising . . and most of them just look down on me anyway. But if I can pull it off - if I can actually find enough kind people, who have enough money to pay for ads, and are willing to give me a chance, (Thank God there are a few of them out there) I may be able to earn enough to tuck aside what is needed for printing and distribution and also purchase a minivan that is inspectable, more private and can house a little heater so I don't have to either end up out on the streets or be breathing in exhaust fumes in the middle of cold nights in an unregistered car. . .assuming I will still be alive at that point. (More sarcasm!)
Then my next step is to aim for a small RV which will enable me to have a comfortable bed and a frig and stove, so I can eat healthier food and feel like I have a space of my own again - like a home of my own. Those words almost sound like heaven - "home of my own". . . . . (Sorry. I had to bask in that concept for a minute.) I have no idea where I'd park the RV, because it would be too costly to keep driving between the Wal-Mart parking lots, which I am already too tired of to even have the energy to mention, although I did just mention it. But I'll deal with that when I get to it. (Maybe I'll win the lottery and scratch the previous steps)
My next step is to buy another piece of land or a small cabin in the wilderness - my dream home - pure heaven, so I can finish healing my heart in the peace and solitude of nature, which I desperately need right now. (No joke or sarcasm here!) I already had the "All American Dream" - the big fancy house and all. . .and don't want it anymore. I just need humble peace. Actually, that's all I have ever needed.
I plan to accomplish all this with the sale of my two popular books on AD. LOL.
After that I can spend the rest of my life selling the dozens of books I created, and the four cds I sang my songs into, during the three peaceful years that my guitar and I spent in my wilderness cabin, where wild animals gathered to hug my tears and give me all that I needed to accomplish this with.
Then I'll use the income, from the sales of my works, (Which also includes some unique art) to start building Recovery Centers for people who need safe, supportive places to live after experiencing sudden devastating losses. (Dreaming now)
Actually I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish any of this. Writing out this plan is making me feel even worse. I already knew what I wanted to do. Its been burning a hole in my heart and soul for years now. And I already know how hard I have tried - over and over and over again, and how impossible it seems to even begin getting there from where I am. Even the first step in this round feels like a mountain that is too tall to climb, right now. (NOT laughing anymore)
I need a safe place to live and healthy food in a kind, supportive environment so that I can re-gain my balance before I can accomplish any of this. . .and I need to accomplish most of this before I can have that. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is to just not give up. (Crying now)
Actually, since I'm finding out that January and February are not good times to be selling advertising I wish I could find a decent job, with people who treat me with kindness. This would carry me through these months, at least, and take me away from NH. Yup! The world is full of entrepreneurs who are glad to hire homeless people, and treat them with RESPECT and kindness instead of looking down on them or trying make them prove that they are not all of the derogatory things that most people seem to assume they are. (WOW! I'm not usually THIS sarcastic!) But I have a good point here. And what I'm saying is true. Oh! Yes! And while I'm at it I may as well plan for it to be in Hawaii or some other tropic where the sun shines, saltwater is like a warm healing bath and beaches love to be walked at dawn. God, I need a month or so of that! ACTUALLY, I DESPERATELY NEED A FEW MONTHS OF REST, WITHOUT ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT - A SPIRITUAL RETREAT. But there seems no chance of that.
OK. On a brighter note: I'll just put this box down and take a walk in the woods and gather up a bit of peace and strength. I used to do that a lot. It really worked for me. Oh! That's right. I'll go out into two feet of snow with my sneakers, because I gave my boots away the last time I drove down the coast, with a plan to start a new life in a warmer climate, and found out that it can't be done from the back seat of an old beat up car, because people down there thought I was a hooker or a thieving drug addict (or something like that) and nobody would give me a job or let me sleep in a hospital parking lot after driving for 20 hours just to apply for a job there...etc. (Actually, it was worse than this)
Seriously: I never realized how unfairly and even cruelly - poor people are treated, until I was cast into this situation. And we wonder why they become resentful thieves, drug addicts and alcoholics....when nobody cares to open HEALTHY doors, instead of just throwing them scraps of food or pocket change!!!??? ITS UTTERLY INHUMANE!!! How can I wonder why I feel so hurt, so frustrated and so unusually sarcastic! And why do I feel like I am the one who has to apologize? I was an intelligent, healthy woman who had perfect credit...etc., before all this started happening to me! None of it was my choice. And there is a lot more to it than I can explain without filling several books.
Sometimes I just can't believe this happens in the USA. But it does. And if nothing else, it has sure given me a lot to write about. I'd like to think that my stories about homelessness will help other people to not have to experience what I have. It has to. It just has to! I can't be going through this for nothing. I can't even bear the thought of that. God, please let this help someone.(Crying again)
I could just keep on writing until I finish melting into the hidden corners of humanity's heartless greed and hope my words will survive it and live on. . .after my fading body is gone.
NOTE TO READERS: You can cry. You can laugh. You can judge. You can misunderstand. You can feel and think anything you want to. But please don't try to advise me, because you do not know the full situation and can not understand what I am going through. Please don't try to tell me this is all my "choice", because I know better, although I also foolishly let myself be convinced of that concept at a low point in my own spiritual search. And please don't try to convince me that I should be only looking at the "good" or bright side, because that's just crap. Under all this I am probably more GENUINELY happy than most people are. I just need to face and release my other feelings too.
Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry for the attitude. This is just how I feel right now and I need to face it and let it out until more room is made for something better. . .
Copyright 2011 with all rights reserved
More Blogs by The Poetess
Another Chance - Thursday, May 12, 2011
I Cry - Thursday, March 17, 2011
Through whisps of sorted wind - Monday, March 07, 2011
A News Flash - Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Warm - Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Care - Thursday, February 03, 2011
Facing Reality - Monday, January 31, 2011
It is Difficult to Help a Stranger - Sunday, January 30, 2011
Naked Truth - Friday, January 28, 2011
Rambling Basket Case - Thursday, January 20, 2011
LOVE - Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Snow Piles, Sleet Slides and Wind Rides - Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Appreciation - Monday, January 17, 2011
The Message - Monday, January 17, 2011
Mirror of Doubt - Sunday, January 16, 2011
Lingering & Back Ground Info - Sunday, January 16, 2011
"Wild Goose Chase" - Saturday, January 15, 2011
Cloud of a Dream - Friday, January 14, 2011
Felix's Prayer - Thursday, January 13, 2011
Snow Storm - Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Courage - Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Love of Christmas - Friday, December 24, 2010
Thank You - Wednesday, August 25, 2010