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Blogs by La Belle Rouge Poetess Of The Heart
Is The Past Really Passed?
3/27/2008 2:59:56 AM
PROBABLY NOT!
Every now and then memories of being a child resurface. I suppose it happens to most of us, unless our childhood was so horrific that our minds have blocked it out. I personally know someone who can only remember small snatches of those young years and it's probably good that he has little memory of the abuse he endured. Remembered or not, childhood abuse or neglect leaves its deep scars on a soul and affects us the rest of our lives. I believe we can choose to be overcome by those scars or to use them to heal the scars of others.
I had my issues to deal with as a child, still have them to deal with in memories. For most of my life I thought I had to be perfect and win love with my "Perfection". I never could be quite perfect or compliant enough to satisfy my mother and it carried over into adulthood. Later in life, at last, I realized I have nothing to prove to anyone and am worthy of respect and love just as I am. I am who I am, I am who I was created to be. A person of many faults and failures but many virtues and successes as well. The fact that my mother required impossible perfection was her failure, not mine.
It's so stange in looking back, how the negative influence of non-acceptance from one parent seems to have overshadowed the unconditional love and acceptance of the other for most of my life.
I thank God every day for the Father he gave me. He was very human with faults but he was a true example of a good person and a loving heart. A a big, strong man who wore a police uniform and carried a gun, he was a gentle man, a man who knew how to reason with others, accept other points of view and when to just walk away from a conflict before it escalated into a war. He had legal right to use that gun if necessary but I remember him telling me that a gun was always the last resort when you had no other choice and no other method. In all the years he carried that gun and all the dangerous situations he encountered, he never shot anyone.
I watched him be patient in the face of personal injustice toward him and unwarranted, blazing anger from others. When he opened his mouth in such times it was calm reasoning and wisdom that came out of it. He taught me so much about life, with his words but most of all simply by living his life.
I've not longed to be a child again, to relive the years and recry the tears but I do wish I could have absorbed more of his philosophy early in life and just been contented to be who I was, knowing perfection is just a pipe dream. We must love just where we are and how we are and above all we must know that others may not love us but we are due basic respect as human beings.
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