Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. 

 Avenge yourself! Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere -- and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

 Grandparents are similar to a piece of string -- handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. 

 There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. 

 Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. 

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. 

 Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers. 

 An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. -- Toni Schultz

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