What we have here is an update of an earlier effort I made at Elementary Sandbox Poetry 101. With sincerest apologies to the outstanding poets I've met here at the Den, this is a tale of one heathen's search for Christmas.

'Twas a month before Christmas
And all through the stores
The merchants were ready
For this year's shopping wars.

The first time I'd seen the stores'
First sales of Yule
Was the night of the last day
I'd cleaned out my pool.

The stockings were hung
From here to Trenton with care
Left by our ex-governor
Who no longer lived there.

Made the trek to the mall
I was feeling real inspired
But their toys offered that simple phrase
Some assembly required.

I saw Robosapien
And I said, "Bite me, Elmo!"
I stood still for one moment
And my head felt an elbow.

Toys they showed on TV
Seemed to look much the same
I'm scared that next year I'll see
Wife Swap: The Home Game.

I bought what I could
Then I quit for the night
Hope that I find my car
Before the break of daylight.

'Twas two weeks before Christmas
And it's back to the mall
Let's see how long it takes
Before I deck someone in their hall.

I tried hard to shop
But it wasn't the day
My spirit of Christmas
Was waning away.

I needed a break
Before I got very far
I finally wound up
At the local mall bar.

I sat in a corner
And ordered a drink
I just need a few minutes
To take time to think.

Then what to my wondering eyes
Would appear
But a jolly fat man
With his face in his beer.

I thought it was him
So I gave him a shout
"You've got driving to do later
So you'd better watch out!"

"Makes a real good song lyric
This time of the year,"
He then turned and asked me
What I'm doing here.

"I lost what it means
Somewhere out along the way
Today's Christmas hymn is
How much will you pay?"

"And even some shoppers
Who looked rather charming
Just trampled the guy
From the Salvation Army."

"From X-Box to Game Boys
To new Lesbian Barbie
They'd buy Sing and Snore Rumsfeld
If they saw it on TV.

"It's all so commercial,"
I heard myself say
"Surely there must be more
To Christmas Day."

"Shirley's my fifth reindeer,"
He said, drunk but stern
"She's right before Blitzen
And after Laverne."

He said to believe
What you feel in your heart
Remember your loved ones
That's a good place to start.

Then Santa said, "Hey!
Let's not sit here and grouse!
Let's start spreading some cheer!
First, a round for the house!"

I told him his bar tab
Was nothing to fear
"Why you cheap little worm!
We're the only ones here!"

Didn't know what I'd see
Out in the parking lot
Didn't look for a sleigh
When I picked out my spot.

He located his sleigh
Then you saw on his face
He had gotten a ticket
Took up more than one space.

"Well, there goes my insurance,"
Santa Claus said to me
"Those rates hurt me all over
But it's worst in Jersey!"

He sprang to his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle
What Rudolph left behind
Looked like an MX missile.

"On Dasher! On Dancer!
On Donder, on Vixen!
On Jerry! On Kramer!
On Norton and Trixie!"

I thought to myself
As I traveled back home
I wish best of luck
To that fat little gnome.

Got home, hit the TV
And what do you know?
There's poor Mrs. Claus
On the Jerry Springer show.

"The man's a two-timer,"
She started to say
"He sees her each year
On the very same day."

"Don't know how he expects me
To be so full of cheer
He's fat, has a red nose
And works one day a year."

The elves in the crowd
They all started to fight
That's when I knew I would
Call it a night.

'Twas the night before Christmas
Jerry's show had been good
Mrs. Claus had been modeling
Fredricks of Hollywood.

Then out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I got out of my chair
To see what was the matter.

As I went to the window
The idea then dawned
I live in a condo
I don't have a lawn.

"That's no three-point landing!"
I yelled to the pack
His sleigh had turned over
His head caught in his sack.

"I need some directions!"
Santa yelled from the street
Had a long list of names
That he wanted to treat.

"Before we get on with this
Business so merry,
Saw you on TV last week
What about Jerry?"

"If Clinton can do this
Then why should I change it?
Mrs. Claus and myself, well
We have an arrangement."

"Let's get back to the kids," I said
That's what he'd come for
"Little Billy wanta a Donald Trump
New action figure."

"And Suzy wants Bratz kids
And Dora the Explorer
And Johnny wants anatomically
Correct Diane Sawyer."

So I gave him directions
Sent him back on his way
I knew he'd be having
A really long day.

"On Comet! On Cupid!
Up up and away!
If you don't start getting faster
Then I'll pimp my sleigh!"

I saw Santa rise up
Then he flew through the air
What a really great guy, I thought
He really does care.

Then I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
"Where the hell is the expressway?
I ain't got all night!"