The Color of Me

I found out who I am today. I saw for the first time my reflection without even looking into the mirror. Can you imagine that!  All my life?  For years I have looked into a mirror maybe twice or three times a day and never ever saw me.

I would look into the eyes of a stranger and I would see myself in everyone’s eyes but my own, I would hear in voices that belonged not to me.

I was watching and I just could not see…

Or was I afraid? Maybe I was, because seeing would mean changing and I was always so afraid of being alone and sometimes change means separation. I have been most of my life.

There was always a line that I created that I would not cross. But how could I when I knew not myself.  If I did who would be crossing over the bridges and walking the paths that could have led me to victory sooner?

Sooner?  I don’t know.

I think as much as I may have gained, I would have lost more. For sooner maybe,

would not have led me to that door that held SELF.

I found myself. I found myself in more

ways than one. I found me in my falsehood and mistakes, in my needs and my desires.

In my hurts and in my pains.  In my wants and in my gains.  I found myself when I saw myself doing and being someone else. 

I was seen as insane by some, because of my desire to love and be loved.

For not wanting to hurt others, even when they hurt me. ( I just chose the direction of my heart)

Or the times that I was not accepted because I was too tall.

But most of all because I am too BLACK and I speak with an accent, which shows  that I do not belong.

 But in all this I found me… and the strength to be all that others dislike and still love myself.

I realize even more than all the dreams and desires that ever had before that I have to starting now!

I must do even more than I have ever done before. I realize my real enemies were my heart, my love, my accent, and lo, and behold, my color.

 Yet they were my best friends

I found myself when I realized that truth. Even bad truths about self, based on the perception of another, can be embraced and bring victory!  And the things that you need and long for so badly that you cannot have can bring strength or weakness.

I found out who I am when I realized I had to change; or I would always have to wear my chains and work harder than all the rest. Now I realize that even with my past and my faults and making a lot more stupid mistakes, I can just be, not just strive to be the best.

I have never looked at what others had with jealousy, only gladness for them.

Now even more I will not envy any man or woman. His power, his color, or his path after being found, truly found.

For now I understand that he must have walked on burning ground and had to endure beyond the normal realm of fire that surrounds the soul of a man/woman and keeps them living.

And that is the color of me,

myself and finally I…