Ballad of Red- Black & Blue
by Porphyry or Po
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
Print Save Become a Fan
The Ballad of Red- Black & Blue
This is a tale about my best ole friend, whom folk
Though his hair was kinda orangish, no matter what
other folks said.
Had big ole eyes, freckles, and his teeth were kinda
Red always said, "If beauty's a gift, God done give me the booby-prize"
And you could try to argue it out- if ya could handle
And with women ? Well, let's just say ole Red could have had better luck.
But this here tale, is about a Friday night
In Red's pursuit of true love (A girl with bad
And something being mentioned about cruising the Society of the Blind.
We had a few chuckles, at Red's expense
But that's pretty much the way he was- devoid of
Fairer and squarer than any friend I'd ever hoped to
We drove for a while, before we pulled in
Red workin' up the nerve, and thinking about sin
While I was busy wondering how drunk I could get on $32.
When we walked in, I let out a groan
As I heard the juke playin', some country-fied drone
Some southern cat singing about he loved this gal
almost as much as his mother, his country,and trucks.
The people was all up, and gathered into small herds
Me with my long hair & Red- just feelin' like nerds
So I found myself a place to sit in a nice quiet
corner- just my pitcher and me.
When from out of nowhere, this big and mean looking gal walked up
Said "Hey Cutie", and I said "Oh. .crap."
(Well, maybe not, but just trying to keep this thing
Pretty soon, good ole Red walked back
And I introduced the two, before she could mount a
Tellin' her just how brave, and wunnerful and witty
ole Red could be.
S'pose I should have felt guilty, but I didn't
When that mean-lookin' woman, turned from me on him
And Red looking at me as if to say "kiss my butt".
She tole him her name was Mabel, and Red shook his head in time
Asked him if he wanted to dance, but didn't give him
much of a chance to decline
Started draggin' his scrawny butt across the dance
floor while I sat drinking- and feigning drunk.
She flung poor ole Red out, and cracked him back
Like Lash LaRue, during a bad-guy attack
Flipped him up in the air, and Red came down with a thump.
There was true terror in his eyes, as Mable reached
And pulled the poor ole boy up- for a second round
Me just drinking heavier, and hoping that Red would
It was a slow-dance this time, and Red let out a gasp
As Mabel wrapped one arm around him, and put the other hand on his ass
And then she started gazing fondly into Red's bulging eyes.
She gave a sudden turn, and I heard Red wretch
And a quick turn back, to which I had to turn away and wince
As I walked towards the counter, and asked the
bar-maid for a phone to call 911.
The song finally slowed, winding down
When I seen poor Red's body, fall limply to the
Covering my eyes and groaning as I heard Mabel say
"Don't worry, it's okay- I know CPR!"
I really tried to run and stop her, as I seen her take
the deep inhale
But it was too late, as that wind went through sailing
through his mouth, and out his tail
Mabel blowin' Red like a party favor, or a flute gone
sourly out of tune.
I said, "Boy, what you been eatin' ?"
Waving my hand in the air as Mabel looked up and said,
"I think his heart quit beating !"
And I saw her winding back with her hands on his
chest- like the hand of doom.
I said, "Now wait a minute Sister, just give him a
Cause I think what stopped his heart, was that last
And then just stood there, hoping & waiting that poor ole Red would come back around.
Mable looked down at him, like a kid that had just
broke her favorite toy
And said, with a pout, "I kindly liked that boy."
And I white-eyed a bit, and tole her that Red had been feelin' a bit under the weather.
Finally the paramedics walked in, I was happy to see
Starting looking down at Red, over to Mabel, and then back at me
I tole 'em, "Poor ole Red's fallen, and he can't get
Paramedics went to work, checking his breathing, his pulse- and then gave him a shot
And Mabel took to cryin', as they loaded him up onto the cot
While I flipped the bar-maid a fiver for all the trouble
we had caused.
I followed the ambulance in- six miles to the
emergency room- and then
Waited for four hours, as the doctors and nurses tried to put poor ole Red back together again
None too soon, a doctor walked out and tole me it was a miracle he was alive.
Doc asked how it happened, and I tole him about Red's romance
With a gal named Mable- and their near fatal dance
Finishing off with ". .and I don't think the CPR
helped much.", as the Doc's eyes went wide.
Doc said. "You might as well go home, isn't anything you can do"
I nodded and left, feelin' a bit nasty inside, and
maybe a little blue
But still thanking my lucky stars that it wasn't me
that Mable had trashed.
I come back the next morn and Mabel was there, I was stunned to see
Holdin' ole Red like a motherly gorilla, tending to a
Red seemed to be smiling, and I just stood there
stupid, and a little scared.
I leaned in close, and whispered- "Blink twice if
you're being held against your will."
Red just shook his head, and said "Quit messin' around Al"
And I was taken aback, wonderin' if the gal had
somehow damaged his brain.
Well, Red & Mable got hitched, and I visit every
Mabel works construction, and it all came out in the
I got used to it after a while, even if I still
thought Red had lost his mind.
And my concerns were confirmed, on one such visit
Red tending to some brownies while Mabel was workin'- said "Gimme a minute."
And then looking to me all serious-like- and saying
"I've been wanting to talk to you."
He says, "Ya know Al, I've been thinkin' on it some
How you're life's so screwed up, and how you're so
unlucky at love. .. "
And my eyes drew real suspicious as he said "You know
man, Mabel's got this sister. ..."