R.T.'S DERANGED DERIVATIVES
What did the Medieval British Landowner say
when he exited the hovel where his slave
had been sleeping?
What did Jason say to his first-mate, Isadore,
upon sighting the ram with the golden fleece.
who was also wearing false eyelashes,
eye-shadow and lipstick?
"That's odd, Issie!"
What did Shakespeare's valet (Who was a Lisper)
say to his girlfriend, Prissy, while he was
cleaning up after one of Will's all-night orgies?
"Prithee, Help Me!"
What did one fed-up character in a
Shakespeare drama say to the villian?
"Why don't iago stifle thyself?"
After opening the door, what did Lady MacBeth
say to her pet Dalmatian, who was tearing up the house?
"Out!, damned spot!"
After single-handedly holding off the Spartan
army that was crossing the Hellespont and
attacking his city, Horatius put away his
sword and studied dentistry.
What did his dental-assistant say to placate
an impatient client after she opened a door and
pointed to her boss, who was leaning over
"Horatius at the Bridge!"
What did the Japanese Emperor say to his
people toward the end of World-War Two
when resources were in short supply,
including silk and cloth for clothing?
"We shall have to bare the unbareable!"
What did the frustrated fiance say when his future
Mother-In-Law caught him paying rather fervent
court in her daughter's boudoir?
"She had always appeared to be as broad in the
mind as she was in behind. But the truth is,
it seems, that such frivolity weighs equally as
heavy on both!"
During the war, how did Audie Murphy address
his letters to his true love, Miss Beck, back home?
"To Helen Beck."
What did Julius Caesar say to the Senate when a
rival Senator confronted him with conclusive proof that what Julius had been arguing against for months was actually true ?
"I came, I saw, I concurred!"
What did Pancho, who was tired of fighting bad guys in Southern California, say to his boss, who was riding ahead of him on Diablo?
"Por favor! Let's head for San Francisco kid!"
What did a worried D'Artagnan say to the remaining musketeer after two of their confreres had vanished?
"I fear foul play is afoot for Athos and Porthos, Aramis!"
Julius Caesar knew that his wife was having an affair, so he locked her in the house and posted 3 sentries outside.
One day he noticed Calpurnia sneaking out the side door.
He rapped on the window and pointed.
The sentry turned to his 2 cohorts and yelled:
"Seize her! Caesar sees her!"
Sherlock Holmes was questioning the maid, Ella, about the disappearance of her employer.
She said; "The last I saw him, he was out on the grounds shooting Ruffs."
She pointed to a dead bird lying outside beyond the glass door. "Like that one!". She added.
Watson interjected; "But Holmes! That specimen is a female!"
Holmes nodded and rejoined;
"Ella meant a 'Ree', my dear Watson!"
A sailor walks into a tattoo parlor and says:
"I'll have one to go"
Marc Antony was addessing an assemblage of the Roman 'Mooners Society!
He wanted to enlist their aid in further humiliating a disgraced General who was returning to Rome after being defeated on the field of battle.
He wanted them to line both sides of the Appian Way and, as the General's chariot approached, turn around, drop their drawers and bend over. Effectively mooning the unfortunate lout.
His opening words were thus:
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your Rears!"
Noah was making a pre-deluge inspection below decks on the ark when he stopped at a small cubicle.
A huge rodent was lying in the straw beside a tiny mouse.
Noah poked the rodent with his staff and asked; "Who, Sir, and what are you?"
The rodent replied:
"I am Menelaeus mouse and this is my wife, Minerva."
"But you are five-times bigger than her!"Noah shot back.
The rodent nodded and explained further.
"My inordinate size is due to a post-natal glandular condition."
"Don't give me that!" roared Noah. "Get thee gone from there and go forward to your proper quarters, where you belong because you, Sir,
President Truman was having a barbecue on his country estate.
The guests were milling about the manicured grounds that were surrounded by a high fence that kept out the deer which grazed in the meadow beyond.
Suddenly, a huge stag ran at the fence and leaped over it, his eyes on a large salad bowl that sat on the barbecue table.
Truman stepped in front of the table, held up one hand and, looking the animal in the eye, he barked;
"The buck stops here!"
During a long drought in Communist Russia, Rudolph, the town meteorologist, was being hard-pressed by the villagers to tell them when the dry spell would end.
Finally, he went to the town square and announced that the rains would begin 3 days hence.
Sure enough, 3 days later the heavens opened up and the peasants' crops were saved.
One wife turned to her husband and asked:
"How does he do it, Ivan? .... his predictions always come true !"
Ivan smiled, patted his wife on the shoulder and replied:
"Rudolph-the-red, knows rain, dear!"
I have an uncle named Bud Homitz who was also born in Penna.
For the last 45 years or so, he has lived in the South.
I haven't spoken much to him for 3 or 4 decades.
Hell! I haven't spoken to anybody!
I'm a hermit. (not of my choosing).
Because of the closeness of our ages, he is more like a big brother to me.
I think of him often and love him very much.
I hear he also has a house further north.
Each of them may be only bricks and mortar but to Bud, it's not just a Homitz his castle.
Catch a tarpon for me, Bud! (Even a chub would be nice)
Love you Bro!
Hasn't anyone noticed how short Putin is? It has been my experience that short guys start more fights and use more profane language than taller men, in a effort to show they're just as macho as big guys.
Take Napoleon. He was short. What did he do to prove his machismo? He conquered the World!
Before Vladimir gets any more twisted ideas about geographical acqusitions, there's one thing we can do.
We can all chip in and send him a pair of shiny, new boots with 8 inch heels!
I can see him now. Strutting around red-square, positively beaming! With pride restored and ego assuaged. At peace with the World and himself. All thoughts of aggression gone.
Why, land-sakes! He'll be our very own "Putin-Boots!"