Peace within the pain
by Harmony Blyth
Friday, July 10, 2009
Rated "G" by the Author.
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i wrote this when i laid on the couch for 2wks with spinal pain. I don't know if it's a poem as such, but i thought i'd still thought i'd share.
Feeling peace within the pain.
Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can 'just be' with the oneness. I can... 'just be'.
At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think 'I should've done this' or 'not have done that'. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.
I could fantasise about the future.
All the things I 'need' and 'want' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.
Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!
When I 'relax' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!
Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.
Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named 'Tim', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face 'the world outside' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.
When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the 'what ifs'. 'what if' I'm getting worse, 'what if' this is the last time I'll walk, 'what if ' I die young, 'WHAT IF', 'WHAT IF'... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, 'what if' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.
I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all 'feel' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.
Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.
I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.
I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.
However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the 'old me' to return, watching others, thinking, 'I could do that once', or 'I used to take that for granted, like you do now' or 'something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now' etc, etc.
I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.
I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.
After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?
Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?
There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.
Everything is unstable.
Everything is changing.
So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!
Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my 'luxury lounge' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.
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|Reviewed by Edwin Hurdle
|You are a remarkable human being.Its an honor to read what you've gone through and learn what you've taken from these experiences that you've dealt with.You showed that pain can be peaceful in a way in terms of realizing what you were back then and what you are right now which is a beautiful flower who blossomed right before my eyes.Also you've learned that a person needs to be at peace within themselves through the pain which you've expressed.I learned a lot just from reading this.You are a survivior,a gorgeous warrior with swords of knowledge,dedication,passion and wisedom who will fight anything that comes your way.I'm proud of you :-).You're a kick ass woman.Take care and thank you very much for sharing this with the world.It is greatly appreciated