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Ed Matlack

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard...?
by Ed Matlack
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Rated "G" by the Author.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard…?


Did this fact ever plague you too?

I always did wonder this since I was but two,

Watched Johnny Weismuller, the best Tarzan there was,

He never did shave; he never did groom himself,

Yet, his hair did stay in one place,

And oh, how did his teeth stay so perfect…?


He must have used elephant cream,

On his hair, as they had in Africa no moose,(sic)

Even when the natives were about to put his head in a noose,

He did look his best with nary a hair out of place,

It’s as if maybe he did actually come from outer space…


How did he not fall from those vines?

Some must have been weak; some must have had spines,

And when the lions did wrap their teeth around his arms,

Did you ever notice any blood, how did he keep them from harm…?


Raised by a gorilla, how did he learn to speak English?

And sound like an American from the Bronx in New York City,

Broken English they do speak in the Bronx even today,

Sometimes one cannot even figure out what they are trying to say…

       © ed ~ 1/26/05




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Reviewed by Katy Walsvik 1/27/2005
It's very simple, Eddie M... Jane said "lose the whiskers or you sleep alone and for god's sake, do something about that hair of yours! Harrumph!" Jane was really cranky, I've heard. katy xox.

(I think beards are lovely.. hehe...Is your name Jane? No? Then be quiet!) See what I mean? sigh...
Reviewed by Joshua Miller (Reader) 1/26/2005
Ed I never saw it but the thought of a buff guy running around in a loin cloth is exhilarating.
Reviewed by Chanti Niven 1/26/2005
You never fail to raise a laugh! Imagine Tarzan as he would look on reality TV? More like an ape man I would imagine. Thanks for another happy visit to your den.
Love Chanti
Reviewed by E. Richardson 1/26/2005
hahahahah....this is great...made me nearly spew my tea though. It does bring to mind those interesting mysteries...such as how come the guys in the ole westerns never reload those six shooters? Watched an old John Wayne movie once...he fired 45 shots from a Colt .45 without reloading...later I wished I had such a gun in Vietnam.
Reviewed by OnepoetGem *the Poetic Rapper 1/26/2005
Ed, Ed you're stroken fine, miss one stroke your pass is flying. Hey Ed, you're right, Tarzan was cool as the winter snow and about as right, I mean white. Something like Bill Clinton, smoked a joint but never inhaled, got a knob job but never had sex, had a wife but never was married. hehe funny stuff Ed. G
Reviewed by Sue Hess 1/26/2005
i never thought about the beard but i always wondered how he learned to speak english and to cover himself so conveniently when apes don't do that
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 1/26/2005
Actually, I think it was coconut cream; he spread it on his beard like the women do with Nair on their legs, and after a dip in the old snake-infested lagoon, that old stubbly hair come right off. And he slicked his hair back with worm slime - nothin better to give it that shiny 'always in place' look, too.

(I used to swim in the same pool old Johnnie Weismuller did in Chicago. I saw a bottle of coconut cream in his locker once, too. But I could never find that worm slime.)
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 1/26/2005
Your muse is working overtime Ed...good question!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by Judy Lloyd (Reader) 1/26/2005
Okay I think Daniel is right but then the apes do groom each other. Perhaps he had some sort of super spray to help hold onto the vines. I know that everytime I tried it. Swinging on vines at the creek I always either ended up in the creek or I busted my .ss on the backswing.
Reviewed by Daniel McTaggart 1/26/2005
Well, when Tarzan was young, his ape friends would shave his beard as a practical joke. Sort of the modern civilization equivalent of shaving off your buddy's eyebrow.
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