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Ed Matlack

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by Ed Matlack
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Rated "G" by the Author.
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           >> View all 5,686

I cannot rid myself of a guilt, nor can I rid the pictures in my head, perhaps if I write out, I will no longer keep see it in my waking dreams...



It was not I,

It was so surreal,

It seemed almost unreal,

Nothing of myself could I feel…


It was like I was above and watching the self,

From on high was the only place I could see,

Yes there underneath I could only but see me,

I was not really doing that heinous thing,

I was just a small parcel of the act beneath to a degree…


Apologies accepted, anger resolved,

I have learned a lesson, of the problem I have been absolved,

But still I do see it like it is happening repeatedly,

Each and every day I must my self evolve…


Is it necessary to repeat it over and over?

In my mind, in my thoughts, in my over all demeanor,

Must I keep learning from this, must I keep looking for absolution?

I try to put it out of my mind, meditate it away, clean it from my vision…


To no avail,

My memory does prevail,

Each and every little nuance,

Each and every little detail,

I have to recall it; I have to do so without fail…

          © ed ~ 2/2/05





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Reviewed by Gwen Dickerson 2/2/2005
Have compassion and forgive yourself, Ed! Compensate by being the best Ed, that you can be. Move on, love, laugh and try to impart some joy to others. Actually, that's what your writing does, my friend!
Reviewed by Katy Walsvik 2/2/2005
I seldom do this, Ed, but I am absolutely in agreement with Mari's comments here. None of us is 'doomed' to be plagued with any event(s) in our lives.

The first step is learn to love yourself. In fact, it is your duty to forgive yourself, thereby offering to others' that noble, sensitive, caring and dear person WE already know you to be. Discover yourself, sweetie pie... the ONLY person sitting in judgement on you is YOU! Let it go... stop embracing this.

This, whatever it is, does NOT define you! Stop letting it do that. katy xox
Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) 2/2/2005
Life's way to short to carry such bagadge..
Reviewed by E T Waldron 2/2/2005
Excellent esoteric write Ed! I have to agree with Eddie K. if
you have been absolved, you are the one keeping it alive.
perhaps you can't forgive yourself,because you have never been
sorry for the wrong done? If we find it hard to forgive ourselves it is usually because we are guilty. Sad as that may be. The only way to find peace in the situation is to admit the guilt,and tell god you can't feel sorry for it. Believe it or not Ed, we can't forgive of our own volition, we always need His help even when we don't recognize it.That is more true when it comes to self. eileen
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 2/2/2005
Most outstanding piece Ed!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by Sue Hess 2/2/2005
we all have something we deeply regret and can't quite forget, your writing of it was...well, surreal
Reviewed by M. B. 2/2/2005
Guilt and regret are very hard gigs. But not as difficult as forgiving oneself. You've paid your dues. Now you need to forgive yourself. It's time.

*Surreal* evokes universal emotions of shame, guilt and the pain of living with it because everyone has done something in their lives they're ashamed of that continues to haunt all the days of their lives.

There are skeletons in every closet. No one is exempt. Most people just keep the closet doors shut. But wouldn't it be cool if we pulled those old bones out and ran 'em through the wood shredder, then fertilized our gardens with bonemeal? <shrug> Just a thought... LOL

Reviewed by Judy Lloyd (Reader) 2/2/2005
I believe that explains many things that as Retta says we are haunted by.
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 2/2/2005
I have learned a lesson, of the problem I have been absolved

If this is true, maybe your continuing vision is meant to keep you from making the same mistake again and forgetting your lesson.

A truly interesting write, Ed.
Reviewed by Retta (Reindeer) Mckenzie 2/2/2005
Ah, to be so haunted by something, this was outstanding,


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