The Creature I Married
You play so many roles in this life.
You are an act,
no real emotions come from your soul.
You play every person in your life,
so afraid of someone not liking you.
Or so you say, I believe it to be just another way to get away
with all the lies and rotten things you do.
You have told me that you embelish yourself with your parents
just so that they don't know the real you and always stay proud of you.
You actually cry on my shoulders after you have done yet one more
bad thing to this family.
You beg forgiveness with tears
running down your face,
while yet blaming your evil and cruel acts on everyone but yourself.
While begging for me to love you still, your smile is sweet your words are endearing, your tears are warm,
All through the act you profess your love and gratitude for the great person you say I am,
thanking me for the unconditional love and
understanding that I keep giving you.
You say that it's not really my fault
that you do the horrid things you do.
You say that I am good and kind and
everything that you don't deserve.
You take me up and down on this rollercoaster you have created.
You hate me, you love me, you leave me, you can't live without me.
You curse me, you bless me, you call me worthless, you say I am a great mom, you call me a fat whale bitch, you say I'm beautiful,
you say I can do nothing right, you leave everything up to me to do
because I do it best, you say no man will ever want me or love me,
you cry undieing love for me, I make your life miserable, you always come back to me, you cheat on me, you say you want noone but me, you push me around, hit me, kick me, call me the worst of names almost daily, you yell and curse, to me and your children,
you make us cry and hurt...
But you say I love you.
I can't hardly make myself
get up in the morning.
Forget wanting to go to the bed at night, knowing that means
morning is coming soon and I must open my eyes and face another day.
Not knowing which person you will be that day, not knowing if I should hide away because you are going to be cruel
or if just maybe this day will be the day you show me indifference
once again, if I am blessed it will be the day that you love me.
I do my best to stay away from people, be the hermit you say I am.
Make myself invisable. For if I am all that you say on a cruel day, then who would want my company anyways.
I almost prefer the physical blows, because the words go so deep
and they stay, make themselves at home
and fester and become reality for me.
After so many years of hearing the things you say and living with
someone who can't make up their mind about who they are, what they are going to be, who they are going to be with unfortunately
my self esteem is nonexistant. I don't have the courage to leave,
I can't make myself get away. Go for safety. I remember how many phones you have broken to keep me from calling the police.
I want our kids to know something besides this craziness.
I want them to feel safe.
I don't want them to come to me with fear for their own father.
I have tried to tell you so many times how your actions have affected
your children, you know how one won't even leave my side for fear of what will happen if I am alone with you, another doesn't want to be here at all, is angry with me for being with you still, for believing you when you say I am worthless, is angry at the world for the unfairness of life.
But you won't listen, you blame me, you make them feel bad for
feeeling the way they do, feed them excuses that they don't believe.
I am such a mess, that even suicide has been preferable to me
than confusion, this pain.
But after a day of contemplation and daydreaming of how to go about it
I think of our kids and the fact that they would be left with you.
I can't believe that people believe your acts, that they fall for
your many roles.
Your family I can understand.
I wouldn't want to have to admit that I had a child that is a phsycopath, an abuser of women and children,
whether it be by words or touch.
But then I think of the phrase, "An apple doesn't fall far from the
tree". I remember being told, "hey, if you don't like it then leave".
Not, "Oh my, that's unacceptable, he can't act that way, We'll have to do something about this. I am his parent and it's my job to try to
get him some help or maybe light a fire under his butt to make him
get it right".
I didn't marry and have children with someone to just walk away.
I believe in the lifetime commitment, why should I have to take my
children and them not have a father and a secure home with a real daddy
and a mommy.
That was the hardest part.
When he left, he left.
No visits, no money for support, no pampers.
No medicine when we were ill,
not even from his family.
So I ask myself,
why should I expect anything more now?
And so...now...what do I do?
How do I deal with the creature I married?
For he is no moral, normal man.
How do I forget the awful things he made me believe myself to be?
I know now that after all these years, there will be no change.
No matter who created the creature
he is now..
This is the creature he will remain.