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We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world –

Queen,

We Are The Champions

I have just received startling information

That two of our poets here in Authors Den

Have begun a rigorous training program

For this hair raising competition in Berlin

These two writers have now both diligently vowed

To bring the top honors home with them this year

And one of them has already been heard squabbling

About the other’s flamboyant hair grooming with beer

It must be extremely tough for these two competitors

To live in the very same small motor home park

And I wonder if one of them might soon be tempted

To very devilishly snip the other one’s hair in the dark

It seems that Rufuz has already begun complaining

That someone is giving him more frequent haircuts

And he’s really beginning to wonder and worry

That his hair is being purloined pasted and tucked

My two dogs found these intriguing photos

In a dog magazine that they get in the mail

And of course they’re now rooting for Rufuz

He’s the new canine champion that they hail

I guess that I will have to lend my allegiance

To my old pal and fellow writer Eddie M

But I hope the new man/dog rivalry in our home

Doesn’t result in my bitter and bloody end

And if this epic hairy competition proves nothing else

It surely must prove the adage about a human and his pet

That eventually they begin to truly resemble one another

Because I truly haven’t seen any better examples yet

Please join me in Pulling For and Rooting On

These two very hairy Author’s Den competitors

But I truly hope this fierce new rivalry of theirs

Won’t incite either of them to any nasty poetic slurs

These world championships to determine the best facial hair on the planet are held every two years and are sanctioned by the Association of German Beard Clubs.

At least 100 competitors will put their best whiskers forward in Berlin in October with the aid of period costumes, combs, wax, hair spray, and, in many cases, teasing and sculpting.

They will be competing in 17 officially sanctioned categories: 8 styles of mustache, 4 varieties of partial beard/goatee, and 5 appellations of full-beard.

And their styles will range from the historic (Musketeer, Imperial, Wild West) to the biographical (Fu Manchu, Garibaldi, Verdi).

While a few of these champions will compete au naturel, most of them will rely on sprays, mousses, and waxes—not to mention blow-dryers, combs, picks, brushes, scissors, and curlers—to stay in top championship form.

The truly weird beard and mustache entrees fall into the Freestyle Category.

I had even considered entering the freestyle this year myself,

But my wife’s jagged pinking shears took me out of the running;

She caught me at a very vulnerable moment – while I was napping,

I swear that darned spouse of mine is absolutely too damned cunning.

And very sadly to me, in world facial hair competition, America is truly in its infancy, completely outnumbered and out-moussed by the far more serious and much better organized Europeans. In more than a dozen years of competition, America has fared very poorly in these epic world championships.

But this year, our fearless AD competitors Ed and Rufuz have vowed to change all that.

Rufuz, by the way, is already complaining to my dogs about Ed’s new daily routine:

“Each morning he struts around in front of that big old mirror, where he spends at least 30 – 45 minutes primping, priming, and grooming his beard and mustache.  And he does the exact same thing when he gets home from work.  He hardly has time to walk me anymore.

And his training gear?  HA! Tons of hairspray, a tiny pair of scissors, 72 combs and picks, and gobs of gooey hazelnut mustache wax.

Thank God he hasn’t learned about the extremely fine hair-enhancing merits of beer and dog spittle yet;  I can just hear him now:  “Hey, Rufuz, come over here and give me a big wet kiss, pal!”

And you should see all the combs and mirrors and hair spray he’s now carrying

around all day on his job.  Ha!  I just need my tongue and some nice juicy beer and spit.

But I really have to go now, guys – I’m in training, you know.

And it's been no bed of roses,
No pleasure cruise,
But I consider it a challenge -
And I ain't gonna lose”

Signed, Rufuz