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Mr. Ed

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Member Since: Apr, 2003

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  A Hair Raising Experience
by Mr. Ed
Monday, April 11, 2005
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Mr. Ed
•  If Only Man Was Dog's Best Friend
•  Canis Latrans
•  Over Five Thousand A Day Are Dying
•  Ode To An Underdog
•  Snowy Morning Walk
           >> View all 1,502





-->

 


 


We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world –


 


Queen,


We Are The Champions


 


 


 


I have just received startling information


That two of our poets here in Authors Den


Have begun a rigorous training program


For this hair raising competition in Berlin


 


These two writers have now both diligently vowed


To bring the top honors home with them this year


And one of them has already been heard squabbling


About the other’s flamboyant hair grooming with beer


 


It must be extremely tough for these two competitors


To live in the very same small motor home park


And I wonder if one of them might soon be tempted


To very devilishly snip the other one’s hair in the dark


 


It seems that Rufuz has already begun complaining


That someone is giving him more frequent haircuts


And he’s really beginning to wonder and worry


That his hair is being purloined pasted and tucked


 


My two dogs found these intriguing photos


In a dog magazine that they get in the mail


And of course they’re now rooting for Rufuz


He’s the new canine champion that they hail


 


I guess that I will have to lend my allegiance


To my old pal and fellow writer Eddie M


But I hope the new man/dog rivalry in our home


Doesn’t result in my bitter and bloody end


 


And if this epic hairy competition proves nothing else


It surely must prove the adage about a human and his pet


That eventually they begin to truly resemble one another


Because I truly haven’t seen any better examples yet


 


Please join me in Pulling For and Rooting On


These two very hairy Author’s Den competitors


But I truly hope this fierce new rivalry of theirs


Won’t incite either of them to any nasty poetic slurs


 


These world championships to determine the best facial hair on the planet are held every two years and are sanctioned by the Association of German Beard Clubs.


At least 100 competitors will put their best whiskers forward in Berlin in October with the aid of period costumes, combs, wax, hair spray, and, in many cases, teasing and sculpting.


They will be competing in 17 officially sanctioned categories: 8 styles of mustache, 4 varieties of partial beard/goatee, and 5 appellations of full-beard.


 


And their styles will range from the historic (Musketeer, Imperial, Wild West) to the biographical (Fu Manchu, Garibaldi, Verdi).


 


While a few of these champions will compete au naturel, most of them will rely on sprays, mousses, and waxes—not to mention blow-dryers, combs, picks, brushes, scissors, and curlers—to stay in top championship form.


 


The truly weird beard and mustache entrees fall into the Freestyle Category.


 


I had even considered entering the freestyle this year myself,


But my wife’s jagged pinking shears took me out of the running;


She caught me at a very vulnerable moment – while I was napping,


I swear that darned spouse of mine is absolutely too damned cunning.


And very sadly to me, in world facial hair competition, America is truly in its infancy, completely outnumbered and out-moussed by the far more serious and much better organized Europeans. In more than a dozen years of competition, America has fared very poorly in these epic world championships.


But this year, our fearless AD competitors Ed and Rufuz have vowed to change all that.


Rufuz, by the way, is already complaining to my dogs about Ed’s new daily routine:


“Each morning he struts around in front of that big old mirror, where he spends at least 30 – 45 minutes primping, priming, and grooming his beard and mustache.  And he does the exact same thing when he gets home from work.  He hardly has time to walk me anymore.


 


And his training gear?  HA! Tons of hairspray, a tiny pair of scissors, 72 combs and picks, and gobs of gooey hazelnut mustache wax.


 


Thank God he hasn’t learned about the extremely fine hair-enhancing merits of beer and dog spittle yet;  I can just hear him now:  “Hey, Rufuz, come over here and give me a big wet kiss, pal!”


 


And you should see all the combs and mirrors and hair spray he’s now carrying


around all day on his job.  Ha!  I just need my tongue and some nice juicy beer and spit.


 


But I really have to go now, guys – I’m in training, you know.


 


And it's been no bed of roses,
No pleasure cruise,
But I consider it a challenge -
And I ain't gonna lose”


 


Signed, Rufuz


 


 


 

 


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Reviewed by OnepoetGem *the Poetic Rapper 4/18/2005
hair raising piece Ed, I think my mustache just got longer. G
Reviewed by Katy Walsvik 4/17/2005
Good grief! I say, let's ALL put the daily routine behind and fly, en masse, to Germany to cheer these two hairy wonders on... wha'da'ya say, Little Eddie? Of course, we'll have to be very careful to make sure the beer ends up IN us and NOT on Ruffie's facial fuzz, eh? hehe

This is very funny and clever!

katy xox.
Reviewed by andrea coltman 4/13/2005
Fantastic humour here Ed...surely a hair raising experience...love that pic, and of course the music....best wishes Andrea
Reviewed by jude forese 4/12/2005
LOL ... cool write ... because of the beard, i can tell which pic is Rufuz ... ok, he's the good looking one ...
Reviewed by Regina Pounds 4/12/2005
Oh my! Well, Rufuz must win!

hehe

I happily await the photos from my City. October, hm? Way cool!

Gina
Reviewed by Kate Clifford 4/12/2005
LOL love the humor you have shown in this write........and it's so believeable......when it comes to ED :-)
Reviewed by A Serviceable Villain 4/12/2005
Ed,

Definitively perfect write ... "hairs looking at you ... " Best of luck!!

Best to you,

Robert
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 4/12/2005
Quite an hairy experience huhuh...Eddie looks like one of those {I think "Irish"} singers in the group called "Foster and Allen" yodling/howling in the mountains!!

"Bushbabies"

Love Tinky
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 4/11/2005
Yes, Rufuz does now look really great,
But it is me, yes ME that really rates,
He has not got a chance of a snowball in hell,
Of winning that contest, let me you, tell,
And if you vote for me I will most certainly send you a lock of my beard,
But do not worry, unlike Ruffies beard, my does not smell...;) Ed

Reviewed by m j hollingshead 4/11/2005
enjoyed the read
Reviewed by Susan Barton (Reader) 4/11/2005
What a riot!! My husband only shaved his beard once and I insisted he grow it back immediately.
Reviewed by Carole Mathys 4/11/2005
Ed this is such a hoot...good luck to the home boys...

Peace, Carole
Reviewed by Claywoman 4/11/2005
My ex would win this hands down!!! The more hair he lost on 'top,' the longer and thicker grew his beard....So my theory is that hair doesn't fall out...it migrates to the chin and nose...
Reviewed by L. Figgins 4/11/2005
You nut! Isn't the fourth guy from the left on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List? Impersonating Walt Whitman in the alltogether, I do beleive. May the best beard win. Thanks for the chuckles, Ed...
Reviewed by Anna Marie Fritz (Reader) 4/11/2005
Why don't they run the contest in winter...when the guys most
need all that hair...instead of now when the heat is soon coming on?

Good write, Eddie.
Reviewed by George Carroll 4/11/2005
I don't know about the Europeans but I've seen some pretty good mustaches and beards roaming around New York over the years. You surely did your homework with all that paraphernalia you have been listing. Good luck to the hairiest one may they never look at another blade. LOL
Reviewed by E T Waldron 4/11/2005
hahahahha You just don't let up Mr ComicEd! You have my belly shaking again. You're my best belly toner exercise program;-) LOL! Great write! hope rufuz and "Ed the other", enjoy it too!;-)

Eileen
Reviewed by john zimmerman 4/11/2005
i grew my beard after freezing my face that first winter in moose --- you really need cold weather to grrow a proper beard!

well, luck to ed and rufus

to ed the other,

good write!

john+
Reviewed by Sue Hess 4/11/2005
i think i was married to at least one of them...
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 4/11/2005
Ed,

Laffin' too hard to review--GAD you're a hoot, where do you come UP with these???? Thank for my laugh for the YEAR!

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :)
Reviewed by Kate Burnside 4/11/2005
Well, if Andy and I hit NY about then, then we'll know who to be in touch with in this awesome concrete jungle, to swing us across the Hudson on their braids. Actually, reckon these dodge characters are ALL the Turner going underground and undercover on the secret mission he's on at the moment... shhhhhh, I never said a thing :)) Don't hold with these sexist competitions... mind you, I have come across the original bearded lady alive and well here in the West of England - TRUE!! kLIPPERSOUT kATE XX
Reviewed by William Bonilla 4/11/2005
say Ed This is some real kool funny write
Hope they both wind

William .....Peace
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 4/11/2005
oh, my LORD! This is too funny; LOL thanks for sharing, Ed K! Well done, and the pic is too great! LOL

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D

So THAT Is how Rufie looks with a beard! LOL

Books by
Mr. Ed



My Dog Is My Hero

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Where The Redwing Sings

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Curious Creatures - Wondrous Waifs, My Life with Animals

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Through Katrina's Eyes, Poems from an Animal Rescuer's Soul

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Cemetery Island

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Gold River Canyon

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Mystery of Madera Canyon

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Amazon, more..



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