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Mr. Ed

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Member Since: Apr, 2003

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· My Dog Is My Hero

· Where The Redwing Sings

· Through Katrina's Eyes, Poems from an Animal Rescuer's Soul

· Mystery of Madera Canyon

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Short Stories
· The Easter Skunk

· The Dog At The Drive-Thru Window

· Home For The Holidays

· Two Bonded Street Orphans, In From The Cold

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· Pigs, Turtles, and Bugs!

· Gentle Cemetery Dog Finally Safe

· Freezing, Starving, and Scared

· A Home For The Holidays

· The Dog On The Tracks

· I Am a Dog, Not a Thing

· Ghost Dog Rescued From Hot Dog Stand

· February is 'National Spay/Neuter Awareness' Month

· The 2014 Home 4 The Holidays Campaign

· Saving Our Canine Vets, This Veterans Day

· November is 'Adopt-A-Senior-Pet' Month

· National Pit Bull Awareness Day

· Keep Your Pets Safe This Halloween

· October is 'Adopt-A-Dog' Month

· Pet Theft Is On The Rise

· A Walk With Dogs

· Earth Day Blues

· What Have We Become

· The Victims of Our Cruelty

· The Shredding Machine

· Happy Easter From Valentino

· A Woodland Chat

· Happy First Day of Spring!

· Mud Pups

· Our Self-Centered Society

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· Chicken Soup for the Soul: Loving Our Dogs

· The Daily Mews

· Where The Redwing Sings

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· Recipient of the 2006 Merial Human-Animal Bond Award

· International Writing Award

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  What Will They Think of Next?
by Mr. Ed
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Mr. Ed
•  A Walk With Dogs
•  Earth Day Blues
•  What Have We Become
•  The Victims of Our Cruelty
•  The Shredding Machine
           >> View all 1,516


A very disgusted politician in Vienna, Austria

Wants to implement Mandatory Dog DNA Registration

It seems that many dog owners in that European city don’t ‘pick up’

Which leaves its residents with a bad smell and agonizing frustration


If this politician’s epic Doggie DNA proposal is eventually passed

Each of the dog owners in Vienna will have to register his/her pet’s DNA

And the city will then need to hire a crew of expert Canine Scat Investigators

So the villainous violating dog owners who don’t ‘pick up’ will never get away


And it never takes good old Hollywood

Too very long at all,

To latch onto any fabulous new idea,

They’re already working on a new program for this fall


Here is a ‘sneak peak’ of the pilot episode

Of the brand new, soon to be released:

Canine Scat Investigations:  New York


It’s a dark, wet, extremely frigid autumn evening in the city,

A night not fit for man or beast to be out and about:


Yet, two extremely dedicated NY City canine scat investigators are diligently out patrolling; and already hot on the scent of the next doggie doo offender.


Suddenly, they screech to a halt adjacent to a Manhattan alley, near an area on the pavement which is fairly dry.  This patch of pavement has obviously been sheltered from the rain by a large vehicle that must have been parked there recently.


As they excitedly jump out of their Mobile Scat Unit, they observe, and soon smell, a very large pile of what appears to be – uncollected dog droppings.


One of them quickly and expertly measures the ‘rain outline’ of the vanished vehicle to determine its exact length and width, while the Head Scat Investigator closely examines, sniffs, and carefully collects a sample of the extremely aromatic specimen on the asphalt.


He soon expertly surmises that these dropping are, indeed, from a dog – a very large dog.


“Yep, and this happened at approximately 11 PM,” he sagely announces, “This poop’s still warm.”

The second investigator then quickly enters the carefully obtained truck measurements into a vehicle ID database, and soon receives a very large multi-state printout of trucks and SUVs that match his measurements.


“Looks like this is gonna be a real long night,” he dourly complains.


“Not necessarily, my friend!”  The Head Scat Investigator excitedly shouts back.

Now, they carefully scour recent traffic surveillance video tapes taken near the scene of the crime, looking for a ‘big truck’ and, lo and behold, they soon spot a Jeep, an extremely nervous looking man sitting in the driver’s seat, and, a very large dog – that appears to be in the act of making a deposit – directly behind the truck in the alley.


“Gotcha!”  The investigators happily proclaim, but they soon realize that they can’t make out the license plate number of the truck – it’s too dark.

A concerned and disgusted citizen passerby soon tells the two investigators that he had seen the Jeep in question parked in that alley, but that it had quickly sped away – screeching rubber – heading for the Lincoln Tunnel.


“Did you get a license plate number, sir?”


“Uh, no.  It happened way too fast.  That dog was really in a hurry – he must have been real cold.  And that damn driver never even got out of the Jeep to pick up after him.”


“Not to worry, my friend, we now have other methods to track down these villains.”

The two investigators quickly analyze their carefully collected Crime Scene Sample of Doggie Doo inside their Mobile Scat Unit, and then quickly feed their data into the newly established National Canine DNA Database.

And not surprisingly, they soon have an exact DNA match:  A dog named Rufuz, owned by one Ed Matlack - a Wanted Three-Time Doggie Doo Offender.

Howling sirens pierce the cold night air as these two dedicated NY City scat investigators race off to a small motor home park in New Jersey - to make yet another fantastic arrest.

Case Closed - and you won’t want to miss this exciting new show!

And not to be ‘one-upped’ by the Yanks, rumor has it that the BBC will also soon be launching its own new detective series, tentatively called:

Canine Scatological Undercover Unit (CSUU) – A Somewhat Different Branch of Scotland Yard

In this exciting new program, scat investigators work the streets of London – in disguise – attempting to nab doggie doo offenders in the act.  And be very careful – CSUU agents could be a minister, a pretty young secretary, the young lad next door, or even - your own grandmum.

Rumor also has it that AD’s own Mr. Piddles is being hired as an ‘Expert Consultant’ for this show.

Note: A politician in the German city of Dresden has also recently presented a DNA Proposal to that city. Officials there have not yet decided whether to implement his Mandatory Doggie DNA Plan, but they are very seriously considering it.

Get Ready Dog Owners Everywhere – Dog DNA Registration will probably be coming to a city or town near you soon.  And I truly wonder what this will be costing both we dog owners, and we taxpayers.

But on the brighter side, I do ‘smell’ several new hit TV shows starting this fall – and I, for one, can’t wait.  My two mutts are pretty dog-gone excited, too!




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Reviewed by Kate Burnside 5/27/2005
Euuugggggh!! Yuk, Kostro! What will YOU think of next?! Thought it was Absent Andy making an appearance as Juliet's Nurse all shrouded in white there for a mo... "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... hang on a minute... this is one heck of a rose! Can still detect the fertilizer that grew it!" Bleugh!! Wot a job... other people's kids nappies are bad enough... and my OWN dog's mess pushes me to the limits... there's no way I can contemplate the full pungency of your words here without the desire to heave... look out below..... ooops, too late... sorry... Knawseous Kate xx
Reviewed by Claywoman 5/26/2005
You are nutz Ed....Your poor wife...
Reviewed by Dave Harm 5/26/2005
Very good and very special, your creative juices are flowing...
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 5/26/2005

LOL--you are too, too much. Dog scat DNA. You're a hoot!!

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :)
Reviewed by Regina Pounds 5/26/2005
Ed, juhuuuuu...I can't the TV I'll be glued!!

Thanks for the fun read! Enjoyed this a lot.

Reviewed by Jackie (Micke) Jinks 5/26/2005
Hahahahaha...good thing I've already eaten my late-lunch! Could be another anticipated CSI series, that only you could conceive, Ed K. Funny! Funny! Funny!

btw, does the canine receive Doggie-Do Detention?
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 5/26/2005
A true Eddie K special!!

Love Tinky
Reviewed by Alexandre Arnau 5/26/2005
lmao, LMMFAO!!!!!
Reviewed by Kate Clifford 5/26/2005
Only you Ed, only you! LOL. Glad you are you :-)
Reviewed by William Bonilla 5/26/2005
Funny one for the crime lab

William ......Peace
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 5/26/2005
*smiles* :)
Reviewed by E T Waldron 5/26/2005
Now that I'm off the floor and no longer giggling,I can comment! What a delight you are little eddie, you bring smiles and joy to the den with your fantastic writes,for which I heartily thank you! ;-)!

Reviewed by Carole Mathys 5/26/2005
Ed this is so priceless...thanks for the smiles with my morning coffee!

Peace and love, Carole
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 5/26/2005
The CSI investigators must be wrong,
Ruffies mess does not produce a smell that strong,
Please believe me, though his scat may be long,
We have been set up before and all along...

That guy Kostro does fly to New York,
There he rents a jeep, the rates are quite cheap,
Then from his dogs butt he does release the cork,
Allowing his dog to join in the conspiracy,
This Kostro guy really is quite the ultimate dork...
Stop trying to set Ruffie up, you bad man, Ed
Reviewed by m j hollingshead 5/26/2005
Reviewed by Abdi-Noor Mohamed (Eagle Of Hope) 5/26/2005
Wonderful Story. DNA tests have exposed many things. it is an easy and almost accurate way to trace criminals. Thanks Ed
Reviewed by Alexandra* OneLight*® Authors & Creations 5/26/2005
LOL! Quoting my wise grandmother - who always loved animals, particularly dogs, but had little if any patience for human "mental droppings" - I'll say... "The Saints give me patience!"

I was worried when I saw your poem listed under the category "crime", fearing that you may be bringing to our attention yet one more atrocity perpetrated agains animals... but then, what I had a true blast to find here, was... a crime against intelligence itself... oh, that Austrian Sherlock Poopholes... LOL!

Our lovely "gang" of mutts is avidly looking forward to the release... of the movie! :0)

Thank you for this, dear Ed!



Books by
Mr. Ed

Where The Redwing Sings

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My Dog Is My Hero

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Curious Creatures - Wondrous Waifs, My Life with Animals

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Through Katrina's Eyes, Poems from an Animal Rescuer's Soul

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Cemetery Island

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Gold River Canyon

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Mystery of Madera Canyon

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