To Bill, the Long Lost Father
by Meredith Dixon
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Rated "PG" by the Author.
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I Guess You Were Doing The Best You Could After All......................
Remember the song,
"Bill, will you marry me, Bill?"?
That was my cry for so many years
after the first time you asked me to marry you and then the second and so on.
Don't even remind me of my frustrated tears.
And I do NOT want to think of the screams I let out that one time at you
when I was not being listened to.
You didn't listen then either.
It's in the past at last.
Or so I thought but I know you
it will be there soon.
A Family Friend
I have put him in his place.
It took a few years but finally, he has his own place.
Told him that I loved someone new.
Didn't want to make him sad but it was for you
Maybe I did it for her or just me.
Maybe I did it for all three or even him.
Have almost always been honest with him.
So I just told him the other day
and he responded, "But I always was going to marry you."
"And I still will."!!!
That's the way he has always been
and I guess that's the way he always will be.
A comfortable spot in our home
where he can come rest
and feel blessed by the little one.
We all love him and worry about him.
Didn't think we were spoiling him so.
After all he's done that has been good.
Thought it was fine to offer him a haven for his heavy cares.
So it's back to this
but it will pass away
all the important words I said to him.
Just like before
when I was so there for him.
He doesn't really listen to me.
It's sad but also funny.
He is the same as always.
You can always count on good old Bill.
But why did he give up the Family he could have had?
My sons have gone on,
his little one, too.
Did he think that time would just stand still?
I asked him his age
and he couldn't remember.
I asked him when we first started our off and on love.
He couldn't remember that either.
It's sad, that's true .
But that is just him.
I look at the journals I kept on him
trying to analyze our off and on relationship for years.
Never really getting through to him
Did he think I would wait forever?
I had waited so long before.
This is a surprise and I will write it here
instead of in my journal.
No more rehashing, no more trashing.
Just want to remember all the good things he has done.
Someday he will die
and there will be a missing place on this Earth and in our hearts.
A missing place on the chair he likes to sit on.
A missing Daddy who is already missing.
"She's my little Baby and I will love her forever"
I do believe you,Bill,
but I know that you could have made her yours when she was actually an infant.
You had five years or more to wake up.
I guess you're asleep.
I guess you're in another world
that we cannot keep.
We will always love you
but it's not true
that you were the one meant for me.
I tried too hard
and never will again.
For a promise that was only given once.
What was in your heart?
What were you thinking?
You really should have let me know.
All that wasted time
and I was so blind.
But I can't let bitterness rule me.
In fact, it's frightening that I feel very little about you at times,
unless I think you will die
and I know how she will cry.
That's what would break my heart now.
Not you but her grieving for the Daddy who never really stayed home.
Just mostly fun visits for you and her.
You had the chance to buy that home
you promised us for years.
All the money in the world now
can't take the place of affection
or someone keeping us close.
I guess I said "good-bye" years ago.
The grieving stopped and I opened my eyes
looking for love.
Someone else who would not prolong it so.
I've taken the chance too many times.
It's a chance just to have you as her Dad.
Please forgive me if you ever read this.
You really were there for us
meaning the boys and her.
You tried to be there for me
but remember you were the one who kept saying, "I'm doing the best I can"
and I was the one who believed it.
I don't want to judge you or criticize anymore.
Bill, maybe you have just been doing the best you can for years.
Please don't cry
Oh, I forgot,
you rarely do.
You cry inside
but you're a survivor.
All that you want is the best for her
and her life.
You never really let me be me.
You wanted a Barbie wife
but you already had one before me.
You missed out on a lot of love and joy,
and now it's gone
there's no more to say.
It's the end of this day.
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|Reviewed by Regis Auffray
|This flows like water from a ruptured dam. I hope it is beneficially therapeutic, Meredith. Love, peace, and strength to you,
|Reviewed by Felix Perry
|Truly a heartfelt outpouring of feelings long stored and finally released in an expression of one final good bye, it's time to move on.