Gray Haven

The mist rolled gently into this lonely bay

Surf crashing against unrelenting granite

I took a deep breath, smelling this remarkable day

Didn’t want to know what I did to plan it

Only knew that I just wanted to say

What I feel now and how it makes me sense

Something that makes no sense.

But the seagull’s mournful wail calls me away

To a place far, far away

Calling me somewhere I’m not, at least not today

My lips purse as if I had something to say

The sun creeps into this sad and lonely bay

As I shield my eyes from the glare and the lofty rays

I watch the ships leave and I know why I need to stray

Gentle mind fraught with hurt and memories of love play

I look at the distant crashing surf but I cannot say

What brought me here and what pulls me away

On this sad and lofty day.

Sensuous lips call me elsewhere but I know the journey

Is for naught.

In the turmoil and tumult I know my search

Is fraught

With hopeless hope of dreamy dreams

And wild unrealistic things

Barren, devoid of hope, or even an understanding of scope

Still I must board this course-bound ship

Bound for nowhere, somewhere, anywhere

In my mind anyway

And I know now that my voyage will be full

Of all that made me ill

Of everything that once made me whole

Now a wretched gaping hole

I want to be free of all that once made me me.

But I miss it still

And my heart feels ill

As I hear the shrill

Cries of seagulls – I feel ill

But the sea looks so peaceful and still.

I want to leave, I want to go

I can’t understand why this has happened

But I want it to end – the past is no longer a friend

Want to leave, want to go

As my heart, synchronous with the ship in the sea

Sways to and fro

I want to go.

The sun sets as the ship bobs like the beating of my heart

And the seagulls’ lonely wails

Ring true as my heart fails

To remember why I started this journey in the first place.

I muster all I can and steel myself to the truth.

As life flits from this frame

Why did I ever play the game

When I ended up with the same

Sad and emaciated frame

God, I don’t even know my own name.

But it’s unimportant, all the same

It’s a goddamned shame.

Now the oars are hoisted and I grit my teeth

As I accept the unmitigated truth

That all the lonesome heartless souls

Who wanted something but knew the tolls

Of life, hope, hate, trust, betrayal and a muddy truth

Know now what they knew before

That life is an unrelenting whore

Who steals your soul and makes you less than whole

Just remember

Just remember what I said

To the gangplank I’m led

Another tired and deceptive line I’m fed

God, my face is red

This hell that I’m living is something bred

In a bloody barren bed

Get those goddamned voices out of my head

I’ll opt for death instead

Into me, free, flee

Why can’t I just be?

Steering through a clearing

Knowing all that I’m fearing

As the hollow eyes are leering

At me, all I’m doing is steering.

A hope, a heart, a false start

In my heart, I know the part

I played and prayed, hope defrayed

I know the part I played.

I’m sorry.

I step on the plank and walk toward my fate

Part of me tries to quell the hate

Looking for my mate

All I feel is the ultimate berate

And I fade, I falter, I call

I fall.

The anchor weighs heavily

My mind settles readily

The shore grows far away steadily

And with each undulation I hear the melody

That made me crack into a thousand pieces

A million empty faces

And sad lonely places

The shore fades into distant crevasses

And I slip, slither and steal

Into a sleep, oh so deep

And night falls here from my head to my feet

My tormented mind dreams of empty streets

Fading now, falling now

Into a lustful leering peering glimpse

Of what could have been

Sights unseen.

Now, drifting, wafting

I feel free

But only free in a stuttered sense of me

Knowing what I wanted, I can no longer see

But as I gently drift out to sea

I know I’ll never know what could really be.

And I gently drift out to sea.

For Allison

August 3, 2004