The mist rolled gently into this lonely bay
Surf crashing against unrelenting granite
I took a deep breath, smelling this remarkable day
Didnít want to know what I did to plan it
Only knew that I just wanted to say
What I feel now and how it makes me sense
Something that makes no sense.
But the seagullís mournful wail calls me away
To a place far, far away
Calling me somewhere Iím not, at least not today
My lips purse as if I had something to say
The sun creeps into this sad and lonely bay
As I shield my eyes from the glare and the lofty rays
I watch the ships leave and I know why I need to stray
Gentle mind fraught with hurt and memories of love play
I look at the distant crashing surf but I cannot say
What brought me here and what pulls me away
On this sad and lofty day.
Sensuous lips call me elsewhere but I know the journey
Is for naught.
In the turmoil and tumult I know my search
With hopeless hope of dreamy dreams
And wild unrealistic things
Barren, devoid of hope, or even an understanding of scope
Still I must board this course-bound ship
Bound for nowhere, somewhere, anywhere
In my mind anyway
And I know now that my voyage will be full
Of all that made me ill
Of everything that once made me whole
Now a wretched gaping hole
I want to be free of all that once made me me.
But I miss it still
And my heart feels ill
As I hear the shrill
Cries of seagulls Ė I feel ill
But the sea looks so peaceful and still.
I want to leave, I want to go
I canít understand why this has happened
But I want it to end Ė the past is no longer a friend
Want to leave, want to go
As my heart, synchronous with the ship in the sea
Sways to and fro
I want to go.
The sun sets as the ship bobs like the beating of my heart
And the seagullsí lonely wails
Ring true as my heart fails
To remember why I started this journey in the first place.
I muster all I can and steel myself to the truth.
As life flits from this frame
Why did I ever play the game
When I ended up with the same
Sad and emaciated frame
God, I donít even know my own name.
But itís unimportant, all the same
Itís a goddamned shame.
Now the oars are hoisted and I grit my teeth
As I accept the unmitigated truth
That all the lonesome heartless souls
Who wanted something but knew the tolls
Of life, hope, hate, trust, betrayal and a muddy truth
Know now what they knew before
That life is an unrelenting whore
Who steals your soul and makes you less than whole
Just remember what I said
To the gangplank Iím led
Another tired and deceptive line Iím fed
God, my face is red
This hell that Iím living is something bred
In a bloody barren bed
Get those goddamned voices out of my head
Iíll opt for death instead
Into me, free, flee
Why canít I just be?
Steering through a clearing
Knowing all that Iím fearing
As the hollow eyes are leering
At me, all Iím doing is steering.
A hope, a heart, a false start
In my heart, I know the part
I played and prayed, hope defrayed
I know the part I played.
I step on the plank and walk toward my fate
Part of me tries to quell the hate
Looking for my mate
All I feel is the ultimate berate
And I fade, I falter, I call
The anchor weighs heavily
My mind settles readily
The shore grows far away steadily
And with each undulation I hear the melody
That made me crack into a thousand pieces
A million empty faces
And sad lonely places
The shore fades into distant crevasses
And I slip, slither and steal
Into a sleep, oh so deep
And night falls here from my head to my feet
My tormented mind dreams of empty streets
Fading now, falling now
Into a lustful leering peering glimpse
Of what could have been
Now, drifting, wafting
I feel free
But only free in a stuttered sense of me
Knowing what I wanted, I can no longer see
But as I gently drift out to sea
I know Iíll never know what could really be.
And I gently drift out to sea.
August 3, 2004