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Malcolm James

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Member Since: Apr, 2006

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Gray Haven
by Malcolm James

Saturday, April 01, 2006
Rated "R" by the Author.
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Recent poems by Malcolm James
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Gray Haven


The mist rolled gently into this lonely bay


Surf crashing against unrelenting granite


I took a deep breath, smelling this remarkable day


Didnít want to know what I did to plan it


Only knew that I just wanted to say


What I feel now and how it makes me sense


Something that makes no sense.


 


But the seagullís mournful wail calls me away


To a place far, far away


 


Calling me somewhere Iím not, at least not today


My lips purse as if I had something to say


The sun creeps into this sad and lonely bay


As I shield my eyes from the glare and the lofty rays


I watch the ships leave and I know why I need to stray


Gentle mind fraught with hurt and memories of love play


I look at the distant crashing surf but I cannot say


What brought me here and what pulls me away


On this sad and lofty day.


 


Sensuous lips call me elsewhere but I know the journey


Is for naught.


In the turmoil and tumult I know my search


Is fraught


 


With hopeless hope of dreamy dreams


And wild unrealistic things


Barren, devoid of hope, or even an understanding of scope


Still I must board this course-bound ship


Bound for nowhere, somewhere, anywhere


In my mind anyway


 


And I know now that my voyage will be full


Of all that made me ill


Of everything that once made me whole


Now a wretched gaping hole


I want to be free of all that once made me me.


But I miss it still


And my heart feels ill


As I hear the shrill


Cries of seagulls Ė I feel ill


But the sea looks so peaceful and still.


I want to leave, I want to go


I canít understand why this has happened


But I want it to end Ė the past is no longer a friend


Want to leave, want to go


As my heart, synchronous with the ship in the sea


Sways to and fro


I want to go.


 


The sun sets as the ship bobs like the beating of my heart


And the seagullsí lonely wails


Ring true as my heart fails


To remember why I started this journey in the first place.


I muster all I can and steel myself to the truth.


 


As life flits from this frame


Why did I ever play the game


When I ended up with the same


Sad and emaciated frame


God, I donít even know my own name.


But itís unimportant, all the same


Itís a goddamned shame.


 


Now the oars are hoisted and I grit my teeth


As I accept the unmitigated truth


That all the lonesome heartless souls


Who wanted something but knew the tolls


Of life, hope, hate, trust, betrayal and a muddy truth


Know now what they knew before


That life is an unrelenting whore


Who steals your soul and makes you less than whole


 


Just remember


 


Just remember what I said


To the gangplank Iím led


Another tired and deceptive line Iím fed


God, my face is red


This hell that Iím living is something bred


In a bloody barren bed


Get those goddamned voices out of my head


Iíll opt for death instead


Into me, free, flee


Why canít I just be?


 


Steering through a clearing


Knowing all that Iím fearing


As the hollow eyes are leering


At me, all Iím doing is steering.


 


A hope, a heart, a false start


In my heart, I know the part


I played and prayed, hope defrayed


I know the part I played.


 


Iím sorry.


 


I step on the plank and walk toward my fate


Part of me tries to quell the hate


Looking for my mate


All I feel is the ultimate berate


And I fade, I falter, I call


I fall.


 


The anchor weighs heavily


My mind settles readily


The shore grows far away steadily


And with each undulation I hear the melody


 


That made me crack into a thousand pieces


A million empty faces


And sad lonely places


The shore fades into distant crevasses


 


And I slip, slither and steal


Into a sleep, oh so deep


And night falls here from my head to my feet


My tormented mind dreams of empty streets


Fading now, falling now


Into a lustful leering peering glimpse


Of what could have been


Sights unseen.


 


Now, drifting, wafting


 


I feel free


But only free in a stuttered sense of me


Knowing what I wanted, I can no longer see


But as I gently drift out to sea


I know Iíll never know what could really be.


 


And I gently drift out to sea.


 


For Allison


August 3, 2004

Imperfect Thoughts, by Malcolm James
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