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Mr. Ed

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· My Dog Is My Hero

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· A Home For The Holidays

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· Ode to Scruffy

· Three Tiny Terrified Souls

· Their Abysmal Fourth of July

· Rainy Day Walkabout

· My Buddy

· It's Pet Appreciation Week

· Another Lesson From A Dog

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· Please Don't Worry So Much, H.P.

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Books by Mr. Ed
  Deep Dark Secrets of a Cookie Queen
by Mr. Ed
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Mr. Ed
•  Ode to Scruffy
•  Three Tiny Terrified Souls
•  Their Abysmal Fourth of July
•  Rainy Day Walkabout
•  My Buddy
           >> View all 1,524



“Ed had no idea they filmed this,

The room was stale as death;

When Frumpy fell upon her knees,

Kissed Ed's toes .........and….. wept


From Queen A Pax’s Latest Fiendish Poem,

The Light Side of Cookies



And now I’ll end the cliffhanging suspense for all who wish to know

My sister Frumpy wept when she kissed Ed’s big hairy toes on that isle

Because she very disgustedly realized that this was not her brother at all

Not one scent of cookie could she smell – only toe jam – and man it was vile




(Sorry, Sis!)

(But I’ve Owed You One Since Birth)

(Mother Confessed That It Was Your Idea

To Abandon Me in the Woods)


Little had the extremely evil queen A Pax known

In self defense I had learned to make ogre decoys

While she thought I was trapped on that hellish island

I pen this from within my ogre cave now filled with joy


And I hadn’t planned on revealing the photo

That My friend Montgomery Mole sent to me

But it seems  that the ‘Good’ Queen A Pax

Keeps mercilessly  attacking me with glee


This is a very recent photo of the ‘good’ queen

Taken deep inside the Cookieville dungeon walls

And despite her proclamations on behalf of Cookies

Even an old cookie ogre like myself is truly appalled


I eat cookies because I have no choice in the matter

Devouring cookies is part of every cookie ogre’s DNA

But I would never go to the obvious lengths that she does

To torture and torment them in such truly horrific evil ways


According to Monty whom I believe is a very creditable source

Despite what you’ve most definitely heard from her to the contrary

‘Good’ Queen A Pax runs those deep dark dungeons with an iron fist

And mandatory visits to them by her ‘cherished ones’ are hideously scary


Montgomery claims that she delights in her daily cookie people experimentation

In which she merrily dices and slices and injects and probes and administers pain

Until this queen is totally convinced that each and every one of her cookie subjects

Is finally intimidated enough into crying  out “Long May Our Queen A Pax Reign”


And Dungeon Guard Monty was on duty the night of her alleged dungeon escape

He and several other guards swear that her ‘Escape’ was in fact a slick PR gimmick

She and Sir Bergman Chiselpecks were actually heading off on yet another vacation

And I hope you will all now realize that her evil treachery truly has absolutely no limits


But Alas even the very secret doings and plottings of an evil queen

Can sometimes completely backfire on them and very quickly go awry

She inadvertently employed a wacky Captain who quickly got them marooned

And now - knowing that she’s only trapped a decoy - she probably wants to cry


(The Vile Old Ogre Decoy Also Has a Listening Device

Cleverly Implanted Somewhere inside His Vile Wretched Body)


(Here’s what they’re actually saying on that island, right now:)


“Bergie Dahling, You Promised Me a Romantic Getaway,

Not This Frightfully Dreadful One Star Rated Hellish Isle;

And now we don’t even have that Cookie Ogre here to torment,

Frumpy discovered that the one we have is fake, and wretchedly vile.”


“I’m dreadfully sorry, my flour coated, sugar and spice scented, Evil Queen,

I know you looked forward to torturing him, as you do those tiny Cookies;

But right now, Your Royal Malevolence, I suggest we try to figure out,

Just how the hell - to get the hell out - of this most embarrassing scene…”


“Oh, Bergie Dahling!  I love when you talk dirty to me…”



- To Be Continued -



Post Script: In terrible fear of retribution

For sending me this hidden camera photo,

Montgomery Mole quit his dungeon job,

Completely changed his identity,

And re-located to Cakeville.


Luckily, there was a vacancy

In the Cakeville Dungeon.

Monty reports that their queen

Is a lot nicer than ours.

(And the Cake Ogre is one Lucky Guy.)


Note to Reporter Ms. Mighty Red:


Please Feel Free to Use This Graphic Photo

In Your new ‘Evil Cookie Queen Exposed’ Story;

I think a Pulitzer awaits you.


And Some Final Notes to the Queen:


You might want to assign Captain Sprinkles

The job of retrieving that decoy’s listening device;

He probably can’t smell anything anyway.


And torturing him won’t do you any good;

He Knows Zilch – even my hounds howl at him.

(No, not Captain Sprinkles – the ogre decoy)


And No, I won’t pay a ransom to get the decoy back;

Tell Frumpy she can keep him, but she might want

To thoroughly clean his feet first – He doesn’t know how.


Ho Ho Ho!


(Actually, I owed my sister two!)


Little had the extremely evil queen A Pax known

In self defense I had learned to make ogre decoys

While she thought I was trapped on that hellish island

I penned this response in my ogre cave filled with ogre joy



©2006, The Real Ogre Ed



Special Note to Chrissy:


Wanna Switch Sides?

I Would Never Make Your Character

Kiss Anyone’s Toes – Especially an Ogre’s.


(I told you she was evil.)




Queen A Pax's, The Light Side of Cookies

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Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 7/7/2006
Tooo sore to laugh but I am!!

Love Tinky
Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) 7/7/2006
Hmmm. I still think you're the baddie, but so bad you fooled yourself into thinking bad is good, n good is bad...
ED M is right... Kookie Cookie...
Reviewed by Sherry Heim 7/6/2006
Aye! the twists and the turns of the continuing cookie saga. I find it hard to believe an ogre, especially an ogre with a Cloned Ogre Army. Evil brews in your camp as you make your attempts to recruit the innocent. Like a spider who lures the butterfly to it's web you move to lure in tender souls who are not on to your evil magic and trickery. I have seen it written that you have trained your Ogre Clones to survive on the flesh of these tender souls and then throw the bones to your hellish hounds; thereby leaving the pathway clear for you to seek and devour any cookies that the poor innocents may have been harboring. Ahhh, you are indeed slick, Ogre Ed, but many of us are already on to your dirty tricks. Excellent and fun read!
Take care,
Reviewed by E T Waldron 7/6/2006
Okay you convinced me ogre ed, now what do I do? But wait how can I be sure, the evil queen seems so honest too, oh me o my what to do!I think I'll ask Rufuz...( Fantastic write;-)
btw do you do your graphics, if so you are one talented ogre! I always forget to ask!
Reviewed by Birgit and Roger Pratcher 7/6/2006
We just love to find out about deep dark secrets! Wonderful done,
Reviewed by Kate Clifford 7/6/2006
Cute write LOL.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 7/6/2006
Laffin' too hard to review~
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader) 7/6/2006
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 7/6/2006
Even I know of your abilities to fabricate pictures & I begged mom to leave you in the woods deserved it, the way you treated your sister...e
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 7/6/2006
Just insufficient lighting in ye olde dungeon, Queenie, concerning the color of your hair. And, Chrissy - Toe Jam on Bagels - WOW - This old ogre is impressed!!!

And Peter - surely you don't think I would fabricate such a gruesome picture??!!
Reviewed by Peter Paton 7/6/2006
Ogre Ed

That gruesome picture shows Queen Pax A in her true colors...or does it...could that picture be a fake or phoney composite...;)

One thing is sure, that you Ogre Ed are a very formidable and able foe for the conniving and scheming Queen, and she the Lady of the frumptious cookies, is a very complex and cunning adversary..

And the supporting cast, I feel are the unwitting pawns or stooges in the middle of this unsavoury dough...

This is turning out to be a memorable and classic game of chess and mind games between two masters...:)

Reviewed by Sandie Angel 7/6/2006
Ogre Ed:

WOW!!!!! Your imaginations are running wild!!!!!! Your creativity is at its best!!!!!! Enjoyed the read so much!!!!!

Sandie May Angel a.k.a. Sandie Angel :o)
Reviewed by Chrissy McVay 7/6/2006
Ho, Ho, Ed! Little did you know that I love toe jam! It goes good on bagels...
Reviewed by A PAX 7/6/2006

you shall pay!
with the truth

10 days left!!!
10 dats till your doom

very funny..........loved this one...........

now i must think!!!

pax A
Reviewed by George Carroll 7/6/2006
You have found the material for another book ogre Ed. Your talent has no limits.
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