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Mr. Ed

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Member Since: Apr, 2003

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Books
· My Dog Is My Hero

· Where The Redwing Sings

· Through Katrina's Eyes, Poems from an Animal Rescuer's Soul

· Mystery of Madera Canyon

· Cemetery Island

· Gold River Canyon

· Curious Creatures - Wondrous Waifs, My Life with Animals


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· The Dog At The Drive-Thru Window

· Home For The Holidays

· Two Bonded Street Orphans, In From The Cold

· A Survivor's Tale

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· Gentle Cemetery Dog Finally Safe

· Freezing, Starving, and Scared

· A Home For The Holidays

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· The Dog Who Rescued Other Dogs


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· February is 'National Spay/Neuter Awareness' Month

· The 2014 Home 4 The Holidays Campaign

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· Keep Your Pets Safe This Halloween

· October is 'Adopt-A-Dog' Month

· Pet Theft Is On The Rise

· The Humane Society of Louisiana


Poetry
· Nature's Free Gifts

· On Frozen Pond

· We Are Their Voice

· Happy Paczki Day!

· Another Innocent Soul Out In The Cold And Snow

· Feeding My Feathered Friends

· Day Dreaming In The Snow

· About Twenty Inches of Snow

· If Only Man Was Dog's Best Friend

· Canis Latrans

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  Hang Up, Immediately!
by Mr. Ed
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Mr. Ed
•  Nature's Free Gifts
•  On Frozen Pond
•  We Are Their Voice
•  Happy Paczki Day!
•  Another Innocent Soul Out In The Cold And Snow
           >> View all 1,509





-->

 


I’ve Been Spring Cleaning,

Tossing Out Things That I Don’t Need,

And The Next To Go, Are My Telephones

 

I hate answering the phone these days:

It’s usually irate individuals or salesmen,

People desperately wanting to chew me out,

People wanting even more money from me,

Or, even worse, it’s a diabolical computer calling.

 

I’m get extremely tired of picking up the telephone

Only to hear from my very irate relatives or an ex-wife,

Or my ex- bosses, who still harass me because they can,

Or inquiring special agents and investigators and auditors

Wanting to know if my last humorous Christmas Letter

To those bosses, was actually a cleverly disguised threat,

Factory officials wanting to know why I’m a cat prowler,

My neighbors demanding to know why I love dandelions,

Dog haters, cat haters, goose haters, bunny rabbit haters,

Haters of anything even still remotely, natural and good.

 

Doctors claiming that I owe hundreds of dollars my insurance won’t pay,

The I.R.S. wanting to know why I didn’t claim my $3.33 in book royalties

And now informing me that I owe $333.00 in penalties, for not claiming that,

A salesman wanting his ‘green’ company to rush right over at a 20 percent discount

To spray Agent Orange all over my lawn (my damn neighbors gave him the number),

And even worse, people calling me to tell me whom I have to vote for (Yeah, Right.)

 

But the phone calls I hate the very most, are from damned computers.

They are most assuredly taking over the world, a little more each day,

And many people still think that the Terminator was just fiction – Hah!

 

I got a call just the other day from a computer that told me who to vote for,

And when I told that computer where to get off, it said, “I’ll Be Calling Back!”

 

Even my once very trusted veterinarian has now been possessed by a diabolical computer.

I got a call the other night from his computer wanting to know if any of my pets were sick.

When I said, “No!” the damn computer said, “Bring a few in anyway; we need the money!”

 

But the most frightening computer call I’ve received yet came in very late, just last night.

Thinking the call surely had to be some kind of emergency, I jumped out of bed to answer,

And my wife raced out of the bedroom, to nervously pick up the other phone in the kitchen.

 

Unbelievably, it was another damned computer calling - at Midnight.

And the evil computer said, “This is an urgent call for Mr. James Smith;

And I am calling about a debt he owes us. This is a very confidential call.

IF YOU ARE NOT JAMES SMITH, DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS CALL;

AND YOU MUST HANG UP THIS TELEPHONE, IMMEDIATELY!”

 

Wow! I slammed that phone down in a hurry. I didn’t want any more computer trouble.

But my very nosy wife just kept listening anyway, even though I kept screaming at her,

“Put down that damned phone!” Of course, she wouldn’t; she listened to the entire call.

 

And now, I just couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night, worrying.

I just knew that another horrible call would be coming in, very soon,

From another very sinister computer, wanting to know why my wife

Had so arrogantly listened in on that other computer’s confidential call.

 

And man, I just know that she’s in mighty big trouble now,

I’m not even going out of the house with her for a few days.

I know these evil computers now have her under surveillance,

And I know damn well, they’ll be calling back. They always do.

 

 

©2008, A Worried Mr. Ed,

Today, I’m Staying in Bed;

And I’ve Now Disconnected

The Damned Telephone.

 

(But That Won’t Stop Them…)
  


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Reviewed by Walt Hardester 5/9/2008
Just another way of telling you who is really in control, my friend.

Walt
Reviewed by Jerry Engler 5/8/2008
Now, Andy, Ed ain't grumpy cuz I agree with him, and therefore, he's intellectual. I have a shovel, a small axe and a handsaw in the trunk of my car. If ever they have a damned computer that can walk around, and calls me by name in the guise of any friendly robot, I hereby swear to hack him to pieces, and plant dandelions on his grave. If you don't understand this comment, press two for Spanish....Jerry
Reviewed by Abdi-Noor Mohamed (Eagle Of Hope) 5/6/2008
Well if this the case we must hang up immediately. Thanks dear Ed for shairng this wonderful eye-opening poem
Reviewed by Barbara Smith 5/3/2008
Ed, this is a real hoot!! This is one of the most humorous writings I've read in sometime. You hit it right on the head in every truthful line. Our phone rings constantly from people I've never heard of in my life...I'm wise since their name & number comes up...I don't answer. Ed, you never fail to amaze me with your writings.
Reviewed by J. Allen Wilson 5/3/2008
This is too real...and yet soooo funny. You rand this one right on the bell...Hmm Ma-Bell that is.

Allen
Reviewed by Sandie May Angel-Joyce 5/3/2008
People normally call me on my cell phone now. We don't normally answer the house phone, people can leave a message and we will listen to the messages first and get back to them when necessary. Many are insurance salesman, and credit cards company calling to offer credit cards. Gosh! We don't want any more cards now!

Sandie May :o)
Reviewed by Tiana ~ 5/3/2008
That's why I rarely answer my home phone. lol It can be very annoying. I can be right next to my home phone and its ringing, I won't answer it unless I am expecting a call from someone at that certain time. Everyone important to me, has my cell and can reach me anytime. Great poem, Ed!
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 5/3/2008
Of course its funny but it is also so very true...but think of it, you don't have to listen to your brother from NJ calling as you never gave him the phone number, how rude...;) ed & RUFUZ
Reviewed by Debby Rosenberg 5/3/2008
LOL - laughing at the absurbness here, albiet its a bit angry and paranoid...Gordon and I and most of our kids have dumped our land line phone service, who needs an extra expense for junk calls, we all have cells phones and (free) skype on the computer. We're sleeping peacefully! go for it! disconnect the damned telephone! hee hee
Reviewed by Jackie (Micke) Jinks 5/3/2008
Jimminy, Ed...you DO have telephone-call problems! Don't give up your phones, but DO get an answering machine; you know you can put most anything you want as your message...oooohh, devilish thoughts! :o)
Did you know...sometimes immediate hang-ups don't work. There are 'puters that place calls to random tele #s...with no messages. Once the phone is picked up, we verify a working number and that someone is home at a particular time, for the perp to call us back; even political groups now use this system! Best to allow the answering maching to take the calls and give 'em your message LOL
Peace and Blessings and Love ~~ Micke
Reviewed by Georg Mateos 5/3/2008
I threw all the phones, now I use Tam-Tam hollowed tree log for local calls and smoke signal (if ain't windy)for long distance.
And no matter what, i don't accept collect.

Edvard the Elder
Reviewed by Tom Hyland 5/3/2008
ED - SUPERB WRITE! AS PER USUAL!

SUGGESTION:

1. GO to Walmart - Buy CHEAPO VIRGIN pre-paid cell phone and card. Lowest Base price is $6.99 /mo. and Pre-pay amount you want, like only 20 bucks. After clerk sets up phone (that's what I did 2 years ago, told hime I didn't know HOW!) - then program phone to automatically REMIND you when balance is low, and TOP-UP for amount you specify automatically to your Checking/or/debit acct - I use just $15. usually only twice per month.

2. Call, send letter, or go website to your Landline carrier (Verizon/ATT/whatever) and CANCEL ACCOUNT - NOTE: when you pay FINAL BALANCE, make sure you purposely OVER-PAY a couple of bucks, because it will be WRONG, and they will someday much later, turn you over to a Collection Agency, for a PHANTOM balance you do NOT owe! This will persist for about 7 years or so, as you receive letters from DIFFERENT Agencies!

3. ONLY GIVE NEW CELL NUMBER to people you WANT to have it!

4. CAUTION: if you don't physically UNPLUG all existing landline phones in house, the phone will still RING - because the TERMINATOR will continue dialling the OLD number, even as a WRONG NUMBER, like in your story!

5. Now that you have a PRIVATE UNLISTED CELL PHONE NUMBER, you can then proudly STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT THE NEIGHBORS - GIVE THEM "THE BIRD" - and live a happy, quiet LIFE FOREVER AFTER!

P.S. - When my BILL for this highly Professional Advice arrives in the Snail Mail - then, like all the TONS of DEAD TREES JUNK MAIL, you can then SMILE - TEAR IT UP - and ... GIVE ME THE BIRD!

Peace - PEE-WEE ...

Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm ingenious, or is it ingenuous?

Reviewed by Amber Moonstone 5/3/2008
I don't answer my land line any more. I tell my children if its an emergency call me on my cell and I don't give out my home phone to anyone. So I don't answer it. Yes those computer calls are quite eerie and they don't sleep so they call at any random hour.
Great poem, Ed, but please breath and do get out of bed to at least feed all your critters...lol
Peace, love, and light,
Amber "V"
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 5/3/2008
Worse than that is when computers say "Press 1 for English, press 2 for Spanish". This is AMERICA, DAMNIT!! If you can't learn our language, get the **** outta America; we DON'T need you here!! Sorry, but that's a huge pet peeve of mine!! I hate those calls too! Sad write!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :(
Reviewed by Jeanette Cooper 5/3/2008
Ed, your story started out so serious, but I had to laugh at the end about your wife listening anyway. Sounds just like woman to me. LOL I hate all those uninvited calls too. I check my caller ID now and don't answer any calls unless I know who it is. Interesting that those uninvited ones never leave a message on the answering machine.
Reviewed by Carole Mathys 5/3/2008
Spot on write Ed... I am with you, down with phones!
peace, Carole~
Reviewed by Rose Rideout 5/3/2008
This is a great one for we all feel like this Ed and I think I may throw my phones out too and then maybe I will find some time to get the housework done. A great write and thak you for sharing.
Newfie Hugs, Rose
Reviewed by Karen Vanderlaan 5/3/2008
no kiding! well expressed write about one of the most recent society evils!
Reviewed by Christine Alwin 5/3/2008
I really think you should have Blaine screen all your calls,,:)
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 5/3/2008
I used to be a telemarketer - hated calling people and bothering them - when someone said they weren't interested, I'd thank them for their time and hang up - that would infuriate my boss: "You're supposed to rebuttal!" Look: I've already made 'em mad by calling, and you want me to argue? No thank you - now computers have taken over - and you can't argue with techology - well yes you can - hang up! Sadness in these lines, Ed - well done.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :(

Books by
Mr. Ed



My Dog Is My Hero

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Where The Redwing Sings

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Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Curious Creatures - Wondrous Waifs, My Life with Animals

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Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Through Katrina's Eyes, Poems from an Animal Rescuer's Soul

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Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Cemetery Island

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Signed copy!
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Gold River Canyon

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Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Mystery of Madera Canyon

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Signed copy!
Amazon, more..



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