I’ve Been Spring Cleaning,
Tossing Out Things That I Don’t Need,
And The Next To Go, Are My Telephones
I hate answering the phone these days:
It’s usually irate individuals or salesmen,
People desperately wanting to chew me out,
People wanting even more money from me,
Or, even worse, it’s a diabolical computer calling.
I’m get extremely tired of picking up the telephone
Only to hear from my very irate relatives or an ex-wife,
Or my ex- bosses, who still harass me because they can,
Or inquiring special agents and investigators and auditors
Wanting to know if my last humorous Christmas Letter
To those bosses, was actually a cleverly disguised threat,
Factory officials wanting to know why I’m a cat prowler,
My neighbors demanding to know why I love dandelions,
Dog haters, cat haters, goose haters, bunny rabbit haters,
Haters of anything even still remotely, natural and good.
Doctors claiming that I owe hundreds of dollars my insurance won’t pay,
The I.R.S. wanting to know why I didn’t claim my $3.33 in book royalties
And now informing me that I owe $333.00 in penalties, for not claiming that,
A salesman wanting his ‘green’ company to rush right over at a 20 percent discount
To spray Agent Orange all over my lawn (my damn neighbors gave him the number),
And even worse, people calling me to tell me whom I have to vote for (Yeah, Right.)
But the phone calls I hate the very most, are from damned computers.
They are most assuredly taking over the world, a little more each day,
And many people still think that the Terminator was just fiction – Hah!
I got a call just the other day from a computer that told me who to vote for,
And when I told that computer where to get off, it said, “I’ll Be Calling Back!”
Even my once very trusted veterinarian has now been possessed by a diabolical computer.
I got a call the other night from his computer wanting to know if any of my pets were sick.
When I said, “No!” the damn computer said, “Bring a few in anyway; we need the money!”
But the most frightening computer call I’ve received yet came in very late, just last night.
Thinking the call surely had to be some kind of emergency, I jumped out of bed to answer,
And my wife raced out of the bedroom, to nervously pick up the other phone in the kitchen.
Unbelievably, it was another damned computer calling - at Midnight.
And the evil computer said, “This is an urgent call for Mr. James Smith;
And I am calling about a debt he owes us. This is a very confidential call.
IF YOU ARE NOT JAMES SMITH, DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS CALL;
AND YOU MUST HANG UP THIS TELEPHONE, IMMEDIATELY!”
Wow! I slammed that phone down in a hurry. I didn’t want any more computer trouble.
But my very nosy wife just kept listening anyway, even though I kept screaming at her,
“Put down that damned phone!” Of course, she wouldn’t; she listened to the entire call.
And now, I just couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night, worrying.
I just knew that another horrible call would be coming in, very soon,
From another very sinister computer, wanting to know why my wife
Had so arrogantly listened in on that other computer’s confidential call.
And man, I just know that she’s in mighty big trouble now,
I’m not even going out of the house with her for a few days.
I know these evil computers now have her under surveillance,
And I know damn well, they’ll be calling back. They always do.
©2008, A Worried Mr. Ed,
Today, I’m Staying in Bed;
And I’ve Now Disconnected
The Damned Telephone.
(But That Won’t Stop Them…)