I am driving illegally through Pennsylvania,
Not knowing any other way to find motion
In a moment that feels frozen.
It happened again today walking to baggage claim.
I reached the escalator and my mind rewound.
She was there waiting with a smile
Feeling that the escalator moved too slow,
And then her lips were on me.
Her arms were around me
And I felt I could shed all the pain
Like dry skin,
But already the nightmares of her leaving gripped my throat.
Today the memories snap together like magnets, and my heartbeat wears out this body.
The chimneys are smoking on Park Street,
And the cars are against the curbs counting Christmas parties.
Three days to go with no presents
And no one to hold.
I fear that my daughter thinks that I am weird
And that my friends think I am crazy.
Not the memory of her at an escalator,
I am tired of self improvement.
Have I traded the pain of ignorance
For the pain of trying.
I feel lonely.
So I sit here with it
Not being numb anymore.
December 22, 2007