“Pay Attention In Biology Class”
by Tinka Boukes
Monday, January 26, 2009
Rated "G" by the Author.
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This is so funny I just HAD to share it with all my friends!!
“Pay Attention In Biology Class”
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
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|Reviewed by Regis Auffray
|Delightful sharing, TinkaSweets! Thank you. Love and best wishes,
|Reviewed by William Bonilla
|a down and out knee slapper
thanks for sharing Tinka
Love & peace be with you
|Reviewed by Jon Willey
|leaping lizards Tinka! -- biology was never this amusing -- this is a hoot -- may peace and love bring you great joy -- JMW|
|Reviewed by Theresa Koch
|I LOL this is awesome writing and picture|
|Reviewed by Rebecca Lerwill
|Reviewed by Georg Mateos
|Weenies come in all kind of sizes, better to put attention in bio-class.
LOL LOL LOL
|Reviewed by Kate Burnside
|Wonderful and life-like story that reverberates through the homes and families of the nations... this is classic!! the telling of it, divine! :)) Mummies can be so cruel... and daddies so gullible... but, like you say, tis priceless when that happens, ITNPW. I'm just dealing with a hamster-death in the family... :(( xx|
|Reviewed by Rosemarie Skaine
|Totally enjoyable -- funny. R|
|Reviewed by D Johnson
|Way too funny... loved it.
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|Reviewed by Mr. Ed
|Thank God Biology was always one of my favorite subjects in school!|
|Reviewed by Dawn Anderson
|I'm STILL smiling here. This was wonderful, Tinka...thanks for the bright spot this morning over coffee!|
|Reviewed by Karen Vanderlaan
|too funny!!! thanks for the outright giggles!|
|Reviewed by Felix Perry
|This is too funny and had me in stitches I have to admit. Loved it Tinks, thanks for sharing the yuks
|Reviewed by Karen Palumbo
|You are so right next time "PAY ATTENTION"! What a hoot....
Be always safe,
|Reviewed by Rose Rideout
|Too cute Tinka, now I am rolling in laughter. Thank you for sharing this one.
Newfie Hugs, Rose
|Reviewed by Christine Alwin
|Reviewed by George Carroll
|Reviewed by A Serviceable Villain
ROTF/LOL - EXCELLENT my sweet friend!!
LOve and Hugs,
|Reviewed by Sandie May Angel-Joyce
|Hahah!!!! Tinky, this one gives me a good chuckle. Thanks for the laugh girl!!! I needed that!!!
Sandie Angel :o)
|Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
|Too funny, Tinka; thanks!
(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in America, Karen Lynn in Texas. :D
|Reviewed by Mary Lacey, Desertrat
I don't know where this came from but it's adorable! It reminds when I got two tortoises and named them Sam and Fred, only to find out later, that they were indeed females! Thanks for the laugh.
|Reviewed by Bonnie May
|CALFDNSFDSkfdfsaf lol cant'a lllelasf a areveie. Lov e Boalnie
Forgive me Tinka, but the laughter and trying to type was much too much for me. I never laughed so hard after a reading in my life. This was the most hilarious write I've ever read and it gave me the laugh of a lifetime...Didn't do too much for the review above but I did my best. This was FANTASTIC and I hope everyone gets the joy from it that I did even if it makes them look like a nut. Love and hugs, Bonnie