Sometimes I don’t understand why I do the things I do
There are days when I feel so sad, tired, worthless and blue.
I want to get better, I promise I try
Look how far I have come from the days spent curled up on the floor, wanting to die.
Yet my problems still exist, they are with me everyday
I try to pretend they are not there, but that does not make them go away.
I find myself here on the bathroom floor
Years after telling myself I would not do this anymore.
Trying to rid myself of pain by purging what is inside
My secret is out
No longer can I hide.
Leaning over the porcelain bowl, throwing up once again
This has been a problem for so long, I do not know where to begin.
I remember being fifteen, wanting to loose a little weight
Every morning started with the same debate.
What will I eat? What will the scale say? If I don’t eat all at, tomorrow how much will I weigh?
I sat down that night, eating two single chips, when he came up to me and said “How can you eat those, look at your hips!”
Fast forward four years later
I am out on a date
I knew I should have eaten, but by the time I hit the floor, it was too late.
He picks me off the ground, not knowing what to say
All I can think of is how much I still weigh.
Two years later, in the hospital, unit two
They tell me if I don’t stop I will die, but I don’t believe it is true .
I have traveled down this long uncertain road for seven years, but still don’t know what to do.
I have fought many battles, and will win this one too.