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Patrick A Granfors

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  Breaking News
by Patrick A Granfors
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Patrick A Granfors
•  Queen of Broken Hearts
•  Somebody Blinked
•  Drink About It
•  Bend
•  Dominos
           >> View all 528

We had a magnitude 5.4 earthquake yesterday afternoon here in Southern California. The epicenter was about a 125 miles from where I live in Newhall. I felt it at work as did most of the local population. No big deal. That is unless you work for the TV news. As is customary for an event over 4.0 the top geoscientist at CalTech was hounded into giving a news conference to help them fill in their pointless yip yap gap for their endless driveling two hour “news” event with basically nothing to report on except for some shaking a hundred miles out in the desert. After about 10 minutes I was begging for one of their protracted televised car chases.

I nearly choked when one of the cub reporters asked this astoundingly stupid question.

“Kate, do we need to be concerned about a Tsunami?”

For the life of me I do not know how Kate kept a straight face answering that idiotic query. The relatively minor quake, after all, occurred a hundred miles from ocean, IN THE DESERT! Oh Lord, please have mercy on the NEWS audience.

Don Henley’s classic melody “Dirty Laundry” smacked me right between the eyes and here is the resulting double vision.

We had an earthquake in the desert today

Not much of a story but we’ll extort it anyway

There was no damage, no death and no fear

Doesn’t really matter cause we choose what you hear


You might as well go grab a beer

We have a program quandary


Forget the Pope died and the Mayor’s scam

Ignore the foreign spies that are now on the lam

We don’t care that the gulf is no longer clear

Keep remembering that we choose what you hear


You might as well go grab a beer

We have a program quandary


Here’s your twenty fifth look at our seismograph

That dirt ball Tsunami is heading right in your path

We’ll show you the dust clouds from our copters near

Don’t ever forget that we choose what you hear


You might as well go grab a beer

We have a program quandary


We’ll repeat the same words for the hundredth time

Our lack of information is simply a crime

We’ll show you yet another swinging chandelier

We really mean that we will choose what you hear


You might as well go grab that beer

We have a program quandary


Our competition claims to have exclusive views

We’d wet our pants for a scoop we could get on the news

It doesn’t matter which channel you select

We have all been bred to have the same lack of intellect


What the hell do you expect

We have a program quandary



Copyright 2010 Patrick Granfors





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Reviewed by Ronald Hull
I can't take it anymore! Slow news day. Yellow journalism. Welcome to de Hotel California. When the big one hits, they'll be off the air, trying to do it with iPhones. But, Calipornoia will not slide into the Pacific... Peeble Beach wouldn't stand for it.

Reviewed by Sage Sweetwater
The Richter Scale weighs -5 on the bubble headed bleach blond with an IQ just below the newsroom floor graded on a curve...telecommunications is a natural disaster all of its own...this is your television bloopers entry, Patrick!

Reviewed by Paul Berube
Well said, Patrick.
Reviewed by Eileen Granfors
Don't forget about the Salton Sea possibility! That wave could hit any time now.
Reviewed by Peter Schlosser (Reader)
I did get a dust-ball in my ear this morning. I wonder if that was the dirt tsunami? I didn't feel the quake at all yesterday, by the way. I was drowning my sorrows for the German World Cup loss to Spain in a bar on Wilshire.
Darn you Mark, I wasn't hungry till you,,,started a quake in my head.
We had one the same last week and it was the same never ending story.
No cracks were showing anywhere, at least I didn't see them.
Blessings! Jasmin Horst
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Too funny, Patrick; sorry you had a shaker, but if you have aftershocks, it's NOT because of my laughing so hard in Texas! LOL Well done; enjoyed~

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D
Reviewed by Ed Matlack
So did the sand in the desert rear up and create a wave of anything more than indifference...? THAT earthquake is just reason I chose to NOT live in CA, I don't like the ground shaking, and since I don't fly I cannot get away from it...e
Reviewed by Annabel Sheila
This is hilarious,Patrick! Love the way you described how the "news people" create exaggerated stories out of nothing! You nailed it! You should send this to CNN.....giggle....

Reviewed by Dayvid Graybill
Good write about the nothingness of today's hyped up news. I can hardly stand to watch anything they call "news" today.

Reviewed by Mark Lichterman
Very funny, Patrick and, Oh, so true.
I was in Agoura, California in a "Pizza Hut" having a very enjoyable cheese to the edge, double sausage, double onion pizzia when the quake hit and... I knew nothing about it until I got home and turned the TV on to, as you say, never ending news about a non event.
Your friend, Mark
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