The Dark (Prose)
by Retta (Reindeer) Mckenzie
Monday, December 09, 2002
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The dark, so soft and warm, hiding me from eyes that cannot see in the deep shadows. I feel safe here, it is my home. I place I find solace in, when I want to be alone. If I listen carefully, I can hear the night breathing…it is an empty sound, but it is music to my ears. I can see out, but none can see in, and so I watch from my shadows, those who can move in the light that I cannot bear. Sometimes, people come, and stand on the edge of my world, but as I am frightened to go out, so they are frightened to come in…and they call to me, a name I rarely use…and I listen to them, though their words fall on deaf ears.
I have ventured out now and again, but always find my way back in here. Travel deep into my dark, which comforts me with its silence, and its soft blackness, that covers my sins like a veil. The noise of the world hurts my ears, and the lies it tells has hardened my heart to its stories. The people there are cruel, and harsh, and more false then the sweet short spring that blooms between fall and winter. I do not miss the world of light. I do not miss its people who spring up like rabid wolves fighting over last night’s meal.
I live in the dark, its mystery haunting me in the very fiber of my soul. Telling me its secrets as if I did not know already that this is where I was born to be. One night soon, I shall lay me down, and bleed awhile…and failing to wake, shall rise at dawn, in the bursting glory of the sun, There I shall find me forever enshrouded in the beauty of the stars at midnight. Then you may whisper my name, the one you cannot pronounce, and pretend you knew me once. You never did. Though you pretended to try…
You think you know that I have loved…but you do not know what it cost me to let him go…or why I could not bear his presence, or his touch…or to stare into his eyes that saw through me, and all my lies. You think you know what I have lost…but you know so very little…for that which you knew was a lie…it was me in dark disguise…and the creature you say you loved, was never me, rather it was only what you wanted me to be…a doll you dressed and taught to perform in the play you called my life.
So I come here, in the forever night…and I listen to my shadows, and I watch the creatures in the light…and though I shall never go there again, I like to see them in their entire vast array. Some so young they make me cry, some bleeding in the darkness of their life. There are always those precious few that made me smile and remember when I believed in love, and I wish them their happiness in the glory of the sun. But here is where I was born, and here is where I shall stay, for though you try to teach me otherwise, I can see no other way.