Singles Collection Vol. Two
by Adam Gaucher
Sunday, March 23, 2003
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1. The Roulette Wheel
Once the grand prize was standing in line with
a junk-hungry bee keeper (the off and on
cosmonaut relationship), and Bobbie Gentry's antiquated
collection of broken guitar strings. That was
for only talking when you really had something
to say, but sometimes they'd fake it with their wild
eyes and flailing hand gestures often mistaken for exclamation
points. This is where we learned about the
insipid him and her, the daily "because they
fucked me over," and how boys don't really care
unless there's a place for their pricks to hide.
2. The Hoping He Wasn't Late For Anything
Once an old man asked, "If it's 12:45, it's
almost 1 o'clock, right?" To make sure I'd
heard him correctly I leaned forward,
turned my head slightly,
tucked the hair behind my right ear, and said,
"I say, if it's 12:45, it'll be 1:00 soon, right?" he
repeated the question. What stirred in my mind
in the fallowing three seconds were at least twenty
million well-crafted precision witty retorts
of which any one of them chosen could've fell
a grandmaster at sarcasm bloody right prostrate
against the floor. Finally I said to him, "Yeah, that's
3. The Aftertaste
Once I asked a waitress if they had
raspberry iced tea. She said, "Raspberry
iced tea," and walked away, as if I
had actually ordered the item.
4. The Nudist Compromise
Once people could've been ugly when they wanted
to be; back when freedom of speech
was still being practiced. It was a saddest
day when it was finally perfected into only
four letters, and fucking everything in sight that
one didn't agree with was gold soup and
5. The Damned
Once there was a country where religion was so
important that people given biblical names often
received discounts on their furniture purchases.
Unfortunately, I never had the pleasure of visiting
this country before it went out of business.
6. The Handshake Which Brought an End to Shipbuilding
Once there was a man who walked
on West Center Street, past my window to some
destination. Later that evening he walked
past again, only this time in the other
direction, (I guessed he was going back to
his place [or something]). I said to him,
"Say friend, did you choose to be so
redundant for any particular reason?"
He responded only with, "Fucking class man,
7. The Slim Faster Brand Samurai Products
Once there were people that you knew a long
time ago, but you couldn't recognize them
because they'd lost so much weight. Obviously
this lead to a climactic civil war which was
never resolved and remained a stalemate for
many years because everybody was so busy losing
8. The Citizen's Arrest.
Once an Olmsted county sheriff stole my
second urinal to the left (he should've be arrested).
I had to use the stall next to him. He listened with
great desire to the beautiful sound of my piss pouring
into the water below. I then made sure he had
a clear shot at the sight of my penis,
the stall door never closed. He left the bathroom
without cleaning his hands, or his mind.
9. The Peach
Once there was a married couple having a
stupid argument which was loud and
distracting while I was trying to write. The
waitress went to their table with the usual
cheery, "Is everything okay here?" They said,
"Yes. Everything is fine."
10. The Neighbor's House Was Bigger Then Your Father's
Once the touch of God was maintaining a
staring contest with the rest of society.
Or at least the fear of God anyway,
finding sinners over your shoulder and making
a face because they were naked. You'd move
along trying to explain that you weren't at fault,
and you'd slump into your house glad you
hadn't missed the Donna Reed Show, because
soon enough your children would be out
killing the pinkos, and you'd be sitting at home finishing
their milk and cookies.
11. The Boycott On the Bums
Once it would happen when you were your
only guest to entertain. My canoe never sunk,
because I didn't have a canoe. If I had had
a canoe, no one ever told me about it.
Usually it's just some shabby couch.
Other times it's a top-heavy glamour's grotty
lack of sensation.
12. The Soft Lips Overture
Once the world was a Buddy Holly song. The
kind which made you feel like carving initials into
a tree. Eventually (and this was a surprise on
many) the majority of the populous developed
a case of the technicolour yawns. The source
of the epidemic was that the world was too
damn sweet. With nothing to fight for,
a resolution was proposed to take it out on
the innocent since they were obviously the
ones at fault. I wasn't really around
when the war took place. History books
would say I was off sitting on a fence somewhere,
which could've been some metaphor for
enjoying life on a worthy cause, but I
doubt it; all the poets were dead once
I had come to town.