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Leland Waldrip

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Member Since: Aug, 2001

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Books by Leland Waldrip
Big Troubles In Heaven
by Leland Waldrip

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I re-wrote the last half of this poem, so am re-posting it.



I woke up of a sudden, wasn’t sure about that light,

Everything was bright and the furnishings all white,

Then an angel approached, and taking my hand,

“Welcome to heaven, from earth you’ve been banned.

In a moment you’ll meet your friends and relations,

And folks that only shared drinks and libations.”


I looked around and there stood my mother,

Holding hands with my long departed brother,

With Father, tall and looking over their head.

They all smiled, “Well, we’re glad you’re dead.


We’ve waited for years to read a riot act to you,

For those things you did that we told you not to.

For example, You played the ponies, strayed …”

I turned to get away, but wished I’d stayed,


For who comes up but my old girl friend, Jane,

And her significant other, a guy named Dwayne.

He said, “I really don’t like what you done, you lout,”

So I moved away real quiet and then circled about.


As I looked all around there was Miss Susie,

She was one my first wife had called floozy,

And sure enough, Ellie Mae, my very first spouse,

A stick in her hand, stared at me and yelled, “Louse!”


But her sights were on Susie, and she flew on past,

So I wheeled and ran, got away from there fast.

But I stumbled and fell to my knees on the cloud,

When my old dog, Bobsey, started barking real loud.


There he was, my pal from long ago,

Licking my face and wagging his tail so,

But all of a sudden old Jonsey started a fray,

He was my dog after Bobsey went away.


He didn’t like Bobsey licking me in the face,

So he nailed Bobsey in a very private place,

And the two of them went round and round,

Jealousy just a poppin’ with an awful sound,


Growlin’ and yowlin’ and fightin’ like hell,

Would’ve ended quick but my hound dog Bell,

Showed up and dove in with teeth all a flashin’

Bit ‘em both before they knew he was slashin’.


I grabbed Bell and Jonsey, Bobsey I kicked,

Felt real bad ‘cause my face he’d just licked,

And just about the time I had the dogs all quiet,

A girl grabbed me, and she wasn’t on her diet.


I think her name was Betty, but I can’t be real sure,

All I remember about her was she acted real pure,

I do remember tellin’ her I’d leave her never.

 “You bastard, I knew I’d get you if it took forever!”


Lord! She whacked me and rolled me on the cloud,

Then she sat on me ‘n the dogs, they howled so loud.

I managed to squirm free and shinnied out of sight,

Left the poor damn dogs in a hell of a plight.

But I wasn’t gonna stay there and get my a*s beat.

I just shagged on around and made my retreat.


But not far ‘fore I run into Jo Ella, my second wife,

Comin’ at me and I was sore afraid for my life,

(I don’t know why I was worryin’ about that,

For it was plain to see where I was at.)


But anyway, here she come, with spit in her eye,

Plain she was gonna bust me for livin’ a lie,

And havin’ a few girlfriends along on the side.

Here they came too, the ones about which I’d lied.


Understand, now, I didn’t have ‘em all at once,

They were scattered out a bit, I’m not a total dunce, 

Annie, Emma, Lula Belle, and one I plumb forgot,

At first they reached for me, all bothered and hot.


But quick they saw I weren’t just a single fella,

And they all started beatin’ me except Jo Ella,

She just sat down on the cloud and cried,

Kept on a hollerin,’ “I thought you had pride!”


Now I think that wail was what hurt me the most,

And knowin’ all these women wanted me for toast.    

 So I twisted myself loose from their murderous grip,

And ran through a fog to the cloud’s very lip.


Where who’d I run into but that angel with the wings,

‘You ma’am, I need to straighten out some things!

There’s a lot more relations and friends that I had

More dogs and cats, and everybody was mad.


Mostly all I did was have a good time and laugh,

My life took a bit more’n six decades and a half,

But now we’ve done come upon a bad situation

It’s all compressed, every wife, and infatuation,


Every dog and cat I ever had for a pet,

Wouldn’t surprise me none if they brought their vet,

Nobody liked each other and most don’t like me,

You couldn’t make ‘em peaceful if you paid ‘em a fee.


I like your place here but my heart’s not in it,

You see what’s happened in not more’n a minute.

Pretty soon now they’ll all be comin’ after me,

And beatin’ and maimin’ unmercifully.

If I’m banned from earth, you gotta send me below,

For this is gonna be hell and I’ll have no place to go.


She said, “Careful where you step, you’ll fall off the side,”

Then reached for me like the other women had. I shied,

Stumbled, fell through the air, flew faster and faster.

I woke in bed—had only dreamed this man-maid disaster.







© 2003

R. Leland Waldrip


Rappahannock Books
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Reviewed by Heather White (Reader) 8/7/2003
loved it, thanks for a good laugh
Reviewed by Barry Weeder (Reader) 8/3/2003
Heaven? Indeed! Thanks for a good smile that just got wider as I read. :)
Reviewed by Sandi Sparks (Reader) 7/23/2003
What a wild ride that was. I enjoyed the trip.

Reviewed by Kate Clifford 7/21/2003
I have enjoyed both of your writes!
Reviewed by Retta (Reindeer) Mckenzie 7/20/2003
This was excellent, very funny! Loved both versions!

Reviewed by La Belle Rouge (Reader) 7/20/2003
Gets funnier each time I read it!
Reviewed by ***** ********* (Reader) 7/20/2003
Nice range of humor here, from the slapstick to the slyly wry, and a very neatly constructed moral parable! The rhyme was well-suited for this work, too, made the scenes flow and bounce! Now, imn the meantime, since I've said all this good stuff, hook a guy up and feel free to send me whatever cologne it is you're using -- it obviously works! What a smorgasbord of femininity you sampled here! Go, Leland, GO!
Reviewed by E T Waldron 7/20/2003
What a trip! Leland this is some fantasy and a joy to read, thanks for the laughs!
Reviewed by *********** ********** (Reader) 7/20/2003
LOL! Your poetry is great...the whole poem is fantastic....ty! Dani
Reviewed by Kay P Devenish 7/20/2003
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 7/19/2003
Oh sweety let me wipe the sweat from yur forehead....I will calm you and save you from your beating!!

What a nightmare ....dear Lordy me....shake your head and make sur you not dead and in heaven NOW!!

Reviewed by Carolyn Red Bear (The Bear Paw) 7/19/2003
I like both versions, Leland... excellent...
I hate nightmares...
In Spirit,
Reviewed by nevine Al Seidi (Reader) 7/19/2003
LOL! Better cover yourself well next time..LOL
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 7/19/2003

o, this is a hoot

family feud fer sure :) *whew* glad it was only a nightmare...YOU HOPE LOL

enjoyed this, leland...captured me from the git go clear to the end--yep...another keeper!

(((HUGS))) and love,

karla. :) *still chuckling*
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader) 7/19/2003 God man, I didn't know they had clouds in hell. hahahaha. Love it!!!!!!!!!!
Reviewed by Christine Morell 7/19/2003
I laughed the first time and even more the second. This is a riot, Leland. I love it.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 7/19/2003
Excellent write, Leland! Funny, but a nightmare I wouldn't want to have....LOL (((HUGS))) :)
Reviewed by Robert Blackwell (Reader) 7/19/2003
Yikes! That definitely had to be a nightmare! Great write.
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader) 7/19/2003
Wild ride, Leland. Funny the topic of your poem; because as we speak, I'm writing one about that other place. Brilliant minds . . . well. you know. Good write, guy.

Oh Zaperetta! the hilarious trilogy by Albert Russo

THE LITERARY REVIEW “... Be warned, Zapinette's gems of insouciant wit tend to become infectious. This wise-child's deceptively worldly innocence takes the entire gamut ..  
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