I woke up of a sudden, wasn’t sure about that light,
Everything was bright and the furnishings all white,
Then an angel approached, and taking my hand,
“Welcome to heaven, from earth you’ve been banned.
In a moment you’ll meet your friends and relations,
And folks that only shared drinks and libations.”
I looked around and there stood my mother,
Holding hands with my long departed brother,
With Father, tall and looking over their head.
They all smiled, “Well, we’re glad you’re dead.
We’ve waited for years to read a riot act to you,
For those things you did that we told you not to.
For example, You played the ponies, strayed …”
I turned to get away, but wished I’d stayed,
For who comes up but my old girl friend, Jane,
And her significant other, a guy named Dwayne.
He said, “I really don’t like what you done, you lout,”
So I moved away real quiet and then circled about.
As I looked all around there was Miss Susie,
She was one my first wife had called floozy,
And sure enough, Ellie Mae, my very first spouse,
A stick in her hand, stared at me and yelled, “Louse!”
But her sights were on Susie, and she flew on past,
So I wheeled and ran, got away from there fast.
But I stumbled and fell to my knees on the cloud,
When my old dog, Bobsey, started barking real loud.
There he was, my pal from long ago,
Licking my face and wagging his tail so,
But all of a sudden old Jonsey started a fray,
He was my dog after Bobsey went away.
He didn’t like Bobsey licking me in the face,
So he nailed Bobsey in a very private place,
And the two of them went round and round,
Jealousy just a poppin’ with an awful sound,
Growlin’ and yowlin’ and fightin’ like hell,
Would’ve ended quick but my hound dog Bell,
Showed up and dove in with teeth all a flashin’
Bit ‘em both before they knew he was slashin’.
I grabbed Bell and Jonsey, Bobsey I kicked,
Felt real bad ‘cause my face he’d just licked,
And just about the time I had the dogs all quiet,
A girl grabbed me, and she wasn’t on her diet.
I think her name was Betty, but I can’t be real sure,
All I remember about her was she acted real pure,
I do remember tellin’ her I’d leave her never.
“You bastard, I knew I’d get you if it took forever!”
Lord! She whacked me and rolled me on the cloud,
Then she sat on me ‘n the dogs, they howled so loud.
I managed to squirm free and shinnied out of sight,
Left the poor damn dogs in a hell of a plight.
But I wasn’t gonna stay there and get my a*s beat.
I just shagged on around and made my retreat.
But not far ‘fore I run into Jo Ella, my second wife,
Comin’ at me and I was sore afraid for my life,
(I don’t know why I was worryin’ about that,
For it was plain to see where I was at.)
But anyway, here she come, with spit in her eye,
Plain she was gonna bust me for livin’ a lie,
And havin’ a few girlfriends along on the side.
Here they came too, the ones about which I’d lied.
Understand, now, I didn’t have ‘em all at once,
They were scattered out a bit, I’m not a total dunce,
Annie, Emma, Lula Belle, and one I plumb forgot,
At first they reached for me, all bothered and hot.
But quick they saw I weren’t just a single fella,
And they all started beatin’ me except Jo Ella,
She just sat down on the cloud and cried,
Kept on a hollerin,’ “I thought you had pride!”
Now I think that wail was what hurt me the most,
And knowin’ all these women wanted me for toast.
So I twisted myself loose from their murderous grip,
And ran through a fog to the cloud’s very lip.
Where who’d I run into but that angel with the wings,
‘You ma’am, I need to straighten out some things!
There’s a lot more relations and friends that I had
More dogs and cats, and everybody was mad.
Mostly all I did was have a good time and laugh,
My life took a bit more’n six decades and a half,
But now we’ve done come upon a bad situation
It’s all compressed, every wife, and infatuation,
Every dog and cat I ever had for a pet,
Wouldn’t surprise me none if they brought their vet,
Nobody liked each other and most don’t like me,
You couldn’t make ‘em peaceful if you paid ‘em a fee.
I like your place here but my heart’s not in it,
You see what’s happened in not more’n a minute.
Pretty soon now they’ll all be comin’ after me,
And beatin’ and maimin’ unmercifully.
If I’m banned from earth, you gotta send me below,
For this is gonna be hell and I’ll have no place to go.
She said, “Careful where you step, you’ll fall off the side,”
Then reached for me like the other women had. I shied,
Stumbled, fell through the air, flew faster and faster.
I woke in bed—had only dreamed this man-maid disaster.
R. Leland Waldrip