At The Phil
by J. W. Murphy
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
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Started on Sep. 22, 2002 at The Phil, a cafe in Hannam-dong, Seoul, Korea and finished on Aug. 4, 2003 in San Francisco, California.
I watched him struggle with something--
something that troubled his soul.
He seemed to sit poised with a poison sting
ready to inject venom at the slightest move.
Finally, with hesitation, he began to release
the origin of his sorrow, haltingly voiced.
"You have no idea," he broke in slowly,
"of what pain I am in these days.
It would be enough for me, thoroughly,
if I had merely caused myself pain this way.
What I did to myself is bad enough,
but when added to what I did to her. . ."
"I'm not sure what you mean," I said,
"what to yourself and what to her?"
"Well, let's just say I'm in a fit of dispair
that has gripped me for a long time now."
"Well, tell me from the beginning please,
if you can tell anyone your troubles it's me."
"Fair enough, for you are my best friend
and I trust you more that any other."
"Have you ever really loved someone?
Oh, I don't mean love, I mean worshipped?
Love and worshipped them so much
that you lose your self in the experience
but at the time you don't know that?
All you know is you love this perfect woman
and she is the world, your world, to you?
You love her so much that you'd do anything,
anything to stay with her longer--
you'd even deceive yourself into doing
and thinking differently without knowing it?
Oh, I thought I was stable, sure,
as stable as a mental patient in an earthquake,
but I wasn't, and I decieved myself."
"The first time I met her was on a bus.
I asked to sit next to her and she abliged.
My heart started falling, when my eyes first saw,
and my ears concluded that she was cute
while I had to keep my mouth from being mute.
We conversed as the bus transversed
and some three hours passed without a hitch.
I left that bus smitten in head and heart,
even enough to make a few moves.
So, by the end of the trip
my heart had long ago run off with my head."
"There were several occassions then
when impending trouble should have been seen,
but as I said my head wasn't present.
The first time on that first bus trip,
when she told me she was from a different church,
I concealed the shock, that rattled my head.
I fancied her from a strict Baptist sway
as her morals followed along that way--
she wasn't Baptist, but Mormon instead--
a way I had been taught was off track.
I was confused how this wonderful girl
could be wrong and yet be so right.
(It didn't help that my head had taken flight.)
So, later, when I knew we could possible date,
I asked to learn about her church
to understand her better, what made her tick.
At first, I listened out of reluctant infatuated ears
but later, after we dated, for some time
I wanted her church to be right
so our relationship could become something more.
Eventually I let and convinced myself
that this had to be the right path.
I entered her church and soon proposed marriage,
convinced I was on my way to heaven.
We were married and things went well
till finally it hit me a year later.
I thought, 'What have I done?'
and, 'Where am I going?' as I lost my place."
"Now, a year later, I'm still confused
and aimlessly wondering what I should do.
I've stopped attending church at all and renounced
the conviction with which I had deceived myself.
Do you have any advice for my life?
or any insight that you could lend my plight?"
I told him, "Well, she is a good woman
and you did make a committment to her."
"This is true ," he acknowledged, "but, I am unhappy
and fear I have displaced her too.
This isn't what she wanted at all, I know,
but she's committed even still."
"Then there's not much I can say . . .
if she's still committed anyway."
"I just don't know what to do--
I feel like I've messed up two lives
while deceiving myself and her
and letting my heart override my head."
"Keep communication open and think with your head."
Distractingly he agreed, "I know."
I shook his hand as we parted
and he struggled home with his burden.
The months passed on
and we didn't meet much after that--
he was too distracted anyway.
Eventually, however, he let me know
he had decided to just reap what he had sown
and it is apparent to me
that his heart has finally returned with his head.
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|Reviewed by L M (Reader)
|I really could relate to this one "J".
"All you know is you love this perfect woman
and she is the world, your world, to you? "
and then the pain.
|Reviewed by La Belle Rouge (Reader)
|Reviewed by Floreann Cawley
|Absolutely outstanding write..Floreann|
|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Reviewed by Sandie Angel
|Wonderful write! This one has a story line and well captured the audience's attention.
May Lu a.k.a. Sandie Angel :o)
|Reviewed by Cheryl Sellers
|wow, that is deep, a story well told, keeping me captive until the very end.. great write|