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Erica Ivory

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Member Since: Dec, 2002

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The Same Girl
by Erica Ivory

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Over the last several years I have had to do much soul searching to find out what I felt went wrong with my life. I grew up for the most part in foster care.. My mother was very abusive with me and I somehow blamed myself.. while on some level also blaming her for not loving the unlovable girl.. me. Yes, sounds outrageous but a wounded child has strange thoughts.
I met my father for the first time in my twenties. We had a short but difficult relationship filled with love and fights. Not over the past but over silly things that I am sure in a round about way had to do with the past. Then he dies. And I think a part of me died with him. Because I realized I never saw him as the person he really was. Ha regrets. How I hate regrets.
This is how I discovered where I went wrong. I was seeing them. My Mother and my father as "parents" not human beings. Simple human beings with all the downfalls we all have.. With their own pasts to deal with.. with their own regrets to handle. Once I saw them as people.. As I would a friend in trouble..It became so much easier to forgive.. To forgive even the cruelest things. Yes, I will always remember them.. but now I somehow in a strange way..understand them. That is what this poem is about..in a round about way. Sorry for the essay..Remix/repost
Erica~

****************************************


I am the same girl..
Just older now..
My nails are manicured..
My hair is styled..
My make up is perfectly applied..
But I am still the same little country girl inside..
My expensive shoes..
Sure look grand..
As we walk side by side..
On the same dirt filled land
Of my youth...
Except now
I
 wear a suit..
You wear jeans..
Somehow you think
this changes me..
You say my hands should be in the dirt..
Where they started..
Where they belong..
You say I am trying to be something 
I am not..
But your wrong..
You think I don't remember ..
Where I started from..
You judge me
like I am paper thin..
No deeper than the cloths
I am in..
You..
My mother
Cannot see
deep enough to know..
Inside..
I am the same little girl..
With heart filled memories
Of childhood times
Chasing fireflies at night..
Apple trees I climbed..
With torn jeans and scabby knees..
Waiting for you 
to recognize me..
I am there
underneath 
Waiting for you to take me in your arms..
Kiss my pain away..
Tell me you are proud of me..
Because inside
I am still that child.
Just a little girl in torn jeans
 with scabby knees..
It is only you..
My Mother
I want to please..
But somehow you never see..
That little girl
inside
of
me.



 

~Erica~



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Reviewed by Erin Kelly-Moen 1/16/2004
Erica, you are incredibly astute, your work shows painful aching tempered with age's wisdom, mind's acceptance and heart's ability to reach still for your needs. I applaud you and your spirit. You bring a certain help to my peace of mind when I see how you can cope and forgive yourself and others. Shine on, Erica Ivory, Poet of Emotional Logic and Sublime Essence.
Reviewed by Bhuwan Thapaliya 1/16/2004
This goes into my library....excellent!!!!
Reviewed by E T Waldron 1/15/2004
The bittersweet regrets of the past always haunt us into the future. No one goes through childhood unscathed. I'm glad you came to terms with parents failings,it can only make you a better person.YOur writing is always superb!
Reviewed by Helga Ross 1/15/2004
Erica, as well as being poignant, this poem is very well-written and poetic. I'm sure your new perspective offers you greater peace of mind, a renewed sense of self and your strengths.

Reviewed by Joyce Hale 1/15/2004
Great write, Erica! There are some things it is good to think back upon, but never lose sight of what you have become.
Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) 1/15/2004
Dont beat yourself up, not the disease to please, nurture the little girl, and your own love will suffice..
Reviewed by William Bonilla 1/15/2004
Erica
This are Sad, heartfelt and painful memories
You have managed to translate so excellently
I know what you mean. when you wait for approval
a smile, a pat in the back, an emotional tank you
but it never comes,

Love and peace ... William
Reviewed by Debashish Haar (Reader) 1/15/2004
Don't let your inner child being beaten..keep your inner child warm in yourself..Never let it be tortured! Abuse leaves lesians in personalities that never heal, they can make and break individuals..after all, all are not same..Thanks for sharing this heartwrenching tale..

Your friend from India,
Debashish
Reviewed by Kate Clifford 1/15/2004
Thank you for the sharing of how this poem came about, it adds so much to it. Your right that once we can define a parent or family member as another human being with a past and every day problems we can view the whole situation differently and forgiveness comes a lot easier. Forgiveness is the act of letting go and when we let go we truly live. Great write.
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 1/15/2004
Sounds like you have found your 'true you.' Don't ever lose it; and keep that child in your heart, and cherish the good memories that you have.
Reviewed by Ted Sheridan (Reader) 1/15/2004
You have arrived. My mother and father were abusive in many ways, but I learned that I didn't have to be.
Reviewed by Sandie Angel 1/15/2004
Mothers don't always know about their daughters. Mine didn't and never have tried while I love her unconditionally. Sad.

May Lu a.k.a. Sandie Angel :o(

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