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Leland Waldrip

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Books by Leland Waldrip
Spam Erotica
by Leland Waldrip
Rated "R" by the Author.
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I suppose this should go into a new category, "Erotic Humor," but it's not all erotic and not all humor. Still spam, like the poor, seems to be with us always, so the best we can do is poke a little fun.

Spam Erotica


 


They’ve grabbed addresses, got mine,


From e-mails or at other sites I surf,


Built a list, pumped their junk on line,


Holey filter lets their trash on my turf.


 


“Is your house making you money?”


This question they’ve got all wrong,


They really want an easy dumb bunny,


To play ka-ching, their money song.


 


“Mini remote controlled helicopters,” indeed!


“Free cable TV, including Pay Per View.”


Daily deluge adds to time I need,


To sift e-mails for a valued few.


 


I get offers for drugs with no prescription,


From a “discreet online pharmacy” store,


I can buy Vicodin — no proscription,


Meds for highs, lows, pain and more.


 


Their doctor diagnoses from miles off,


Any illness I have without a peek


At BP or pulse, and no need to cough,


Breathe deep, check if lungs are weak.


 


I get titillating messages with lewd pics


Of people in trailing phase of undress,


The camera catches in a naughty fix,


And some of it’s truly a mess.


 


I can’t deny some is exciting to see,


But I could do without porno at all,


It raises strange feelings in me,


Leaves me with libido right tall.


 


“Someone has a secret crush on you –


Find out who!” I get this time and again,


Of my near acquaintances, only a few


I’d indulge, if a name I could pin.


 


Pill or patch mail arrives most days,


That will “put my lover in a spell,”


Eyes will glaze as my member she gaze,


Their meds, my “Johnson will swell.”


 


Now there is a surprisingly easy way,


To instantly accomplish this feat,


No need for pills or patches to pay,


There’s an optical solution that’s neat.


 


Put two-x glasses on her and she’ll say,


“I’m impressed, dear, but frightened, too.”


“Don’t worry, my sweet, for gentle I’ll stay,


Eyes closed, we’ll be comfy as old shoe.”


 


“Viagra — need we say more?”


“Last all weekend with one new blue pill.”


I confess I’ve checked prices before,


But they get a ten or twenty dollar bill.


 


I’m cheap, but their pills they can keep,


‘Till hell freezes over, turns upside down,


We’ll take the time ‘til ardor we can reap,


When we’re ready we’ll just go to town.


 


“Kill those junk e-mails!” Believe this trash?


They’re spamming against spamming here.


What brass ones they have, way too brash,


In these charlatans we’ve got to put fear.


 


They should keep their spam — go away,


And not clog my folders with this crap,


It’s BS and I’d like to make them pay,


But grant them a bug’s rights — ZAP!


 


 

Rappahannock Books
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Reviewed by Ed Lupinacci (Reader) 1/21/2004
I'm with you on this all the way
i got a nice chuckle out of this
thanks
Reviewed by Simon Thurlow (Reader) 1/19/2004
Absolutely spot on Leland. It worries me sometimes as I open one email promising me a huge 'member' then the next one promises me huge boobs !!

If I wasn't savvy with myself then I would begin to wonder what sex I am 8-)

Strangely enough, the spam really started hitting my mailbox after I built and published my own website. Damn these web crawlers that cream off email addresse from website, newsgroups and even guestbooks !!
Reviewed by La Belle Rouge (Reader) 1/19/2004
Ha this is humorous! If I had masculine equipment, I would have the biggest, longest, thickest and most athletic in the world if I had bought all their products!! But they keep sending me remedies for something I don't have. Love this one Leland.
Reviewed by Trixie Love 1/18/2004
Thanks for the chuckle


Clever write...


Trixie :)
Reviewed by Sandie Angel 1/18/2004
I haven't seen as much junk in my e-mail folder as I had seen in my mailbox lately. They come in all direction, and some same e-mail contents come from several people with different names. Don'tcha hate that when that happens?

Good vent and a fun read!

Sandie Angel a.k.a. May Lu :o)
Reviewed by Debashish Haar (Reader) 1/17/2004
VERY clever write, Leland!
Reviewed by Marie Wadsworth 1/17/2004
I hate spam too. This is very funny and hot too!
Reviewed by Regina Pounds 1/17/2004
Oh, well said, Leland! At least your offering here makes one smile.

Gina
Reviewed by Vesna Blueflame 1/17/2004
They should keep their spam — go away,
And not clog my folders with this crap,
It’s BS and I’d like to make them pay,
But grant them a bug’s rights — ZAP!

by Jove you did this well Leland!!!!
...I've got the same problem..had hubby worried ..he thought I inquired 'bout viagra LOL!!! Phew! Had some 'xplainin' to do...*smile*

Vesna





Reviewed by Regis Auffray 1/17/2004
Humorous but so truthful as well. Thank you for this offering, Leland. Love and peace to you. Regis
Reviewed by Carmen Ruggero 1/17/2004
LoL is right! Can you imagine getting medication from someone who raids your address book? Like you're going to trust them, or something! The last time my system crashed, it was because some 'infected, malicious' spammer, deviced something that somehow, and despite Norton security, got in computer, disabled my Norton security, and my Norton anti-virus, and raided my computer. Go figure. Thanks for this Leland, I get too serious about that stuff, and I really needed the comic relief!

Carmen
Reviewed by Lisa Hilbers 1/17/2004
If it weren't for spam I'd never get any email! I hate that stuff,,,almost as much as I hate phone solicitors. Either one makes my blood boil. Loved your write Leland! Lisa
Reviewed by jude forese 1/17/2004
lol! well done ... i no longer get spam, i've blocked it ...
Reviewed by Bhuwan Thapaliya 1/17/2004
Leland....enjoyed this write much....fantastic!!!!
Reviewed by E T Waldron 1/16/2004
Fantastic Leland, as with all these writes you do in this special genre;-) the spam we are all familiar with, which is supposed to be stopped,but I don't think we'll ever be rid of it...
Reviewed by Anna Marie Fritz (Reader) 1/16/2004
I get all this booshwa in my mail everyday, too,
and as a certain politician used to say:
"Ahhm sick ahhv it."
(If you don't know what booshwa is, ask Ed Kostro)...
BTW...I spelled it phonetically, so in case the spammers
get ahold of it, they won't have something new to sell.
Reviewed by Kathleen Herrick 1/16/2004
I hate spam in my emails. Good write!
Reviewed by Katy Walsvik 1/16/2004
Proving once again that, in America, if you can think it up, you can probably make money with it! Harrumph! I am the only person I have ever met who actually likes to EAT spam... which is why I wish they'd name it something else... IT'S GODAWFUL, ISN'T IT LELAND? (the compute stuff, not the food... sigh) I think your poem is fabulous! (grin) katy xox.
Reviewed by Ronald Hull 1/16/2004
Someday we'll make 'em pay, for every single one.
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader) 1/16/2004
Ah, free enterprise has bares it snaggled, yellow, disease looking teeth in the for of SPAM. I am very seriously contempling murder if I could just find the SOBs. Great rant!
Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) 1/16/2004
Yup aol takes all spam away and prevents pop ups, and if one gets through, spam gaurd won't let you lookl at it but just hit report spam and they get caught, along with spyware
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 1/16/2004
Leland, I hear ya. Thankfully, I no longer have the problem. Bought something called Spam Buster - advertised in my spam mail - - by a spam salesfirm - works great!
Reviewed by OnepoetGem *the Poetic Rapper 1/16/2004
I feel your rant L. The pop ups really are nerve racking. It's all the politicians fault for not doing something about this type of harassment. Big business in little China town. Spamyaki. G
Reviewed by Pamela Kimmell 1/16/2004
Leland this is priceless...you've pretty well covered ALL the possible bases here - a truly enjoyable write!
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 1/16/2004
Heheheh..great Leleand!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by June Thompson 1/16/2004
what a trip..

good one
Reviewed by A PAX 1/16/2004
great! LOL
Reviewed by Tami Ryan 1/16/2004
Funny... even as a kid, the only way I enjoyed Spam was fried - HARD.
Reviewed by M.Bennett Hooper (Mikii) 1/16/2004
I vote for you Leland spam haters of the world unite. Spam controls what a farce they just change their names and the junk keeps coming.
Spam is just as sickening as that canned stuff the cat eats.
Reviewed by Kate Clifford 1/16/2004
I even have tried removing spam, which seems to increase it! I know exactly how your feeling. I hate to see the look on my mothers face the first time she gets asked if she would like to increase the size of her.............LOL. Took me forever to talk the family into coming on the internet....forgot to mention this slight problem.
Reviewed by No Longer Member (Reader) 1/16/2004
I'm surprised I didn't see this....maybe my spam guard got it~
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 1/16/2004
LOL

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