A Natural View (Andre’s Suggested Revision)
by Leland Waldrip
Friday, January 30, 2004
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Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU very graciously offered the suggestion that I revise the poem to reflect abab rhyming format as opposed to the original aabb. My deepest thanks to Andre for his generosity in sharing this insight. The following is the edited result:
Natural, naturalist, and naturalism describe a world view, those who hold it, and a doctrine that the world can be understood in scientific terms, without recourse to spiritual or supernatural explanations for any but entertainment issues. This poem is as close to a creed as we get, for we welcome free inquiry and proof of variance on any issue — including the poem itself.
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A Natural View (Andre’s Suggested Revision)
Awake each day with hope and joy, Our precious time cannot waste, Thankful the world’s in our employ, As with delight its mysteries taste.
Enthralled, its beauty we embrace, Strive each turn of happenstance, Challenges, with calmness face, Ethics, knowledge to advance.
We’re not gods — goofy thought — Finding our way in the world as man, But seek wisdom, as humans ought, Accepting what fate dealt our hand.
We’re naturalists in every respect, Study life, nature as the mother, But add to the label, a new aspect: We eschew all supernatural “other,”
Except as entertainment foray, Extruding creative work to amuse. Diversion is requisite mainstay, Boundless mental energy to use.
Anchor our mind in logic and reason, Won’t bend knee in word or deed, Never against it commit treason, By accepting a dogmatic creed.
Spend no time in sermon’s grip, Enjoy our allotted time on earth, Hollow is promise of heavenly trip, Care not a whit for eternity berth.
Yet, a joy as through life we go, With beliefs, that across spectrum fly, Are dear friends we’ve come to know, From hard skeptics to “never ask why.”
Tell them what we think, perhaps in verse, Hoping they’ll enjoy earthly stay, And accept each, for better or worse, As they revel in life — charted their way.
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| Reviewed by OnepoetGem *the Poetic Rapper |
2/4/2004 |
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| a masterpiece L, enjoyed the read and the wisdom. cheers G |
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| Reviewed by Andre Bendavi ben-YEHU |
2/3/2004 |
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The stanzas can breathe better and therefore the verses sing the message with emphatic rhythm.
You have made an improvement that added value to Your work, and increased the power to deliver the sage emotions of its contents.
We would always develop our tools to better presentation of our art, if we would ponder the suggestions that our compeers send us through the message board and email.
The original of "A Natural View" is posted here; and we can compare them now to have a neater idea on the subject.
I feel happy that the Author considered my suggestion as a token of cooperation.
Thank You for Your kindness.
My gratitude and admiration.
Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU
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| Reviewed by Katy Walsvik |
2/3/2004 |
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| Sigh.. as you read and so astutely and so kindly comment on our varied inspirations here, Leland, YOU are an inspiration.. I had a physical reaction to this, the sort I get when I know spring is near or I've just seen a rare bird.. Goodness, me.. I do believe that reading you is good for one's health!! (mental health, at least).. shine on, dear Leland... katy xox. |
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| Reviewed by *********** ********** (Reader) |
2/1/2004 |
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This is very well written Leland...
Enthralled, its beauty we embrace,
Strive each turn of happenstance,
Challenges, with calmness face,
Ethics, knowledge to advance. <--This really caught my eye...A wonderful poem..
Ty, Dani
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| Reviewed by Regis Auffray |
1/31/2004 |
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| Masterfully written and there is much wisdom in these verses. Thank you, Leland. Love and peace to you. Regis |
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| Reviewed by Ted Sheridan (Reader) |
1/31/2004 |
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| A master poet yourself Sir. |
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| Reviewed by Bhuwan Thapaliya |
1/31/2004 |
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| Masterpiece....BHUWAN |
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| Reviewed by Lady Peg (Reader) |
1/30/2004 |
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Leland a nice revison and insight this is excellent!
Very important message...
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| Reviewed by Regina Pounds |
1/30/2004 |
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I like the reference to the importance of friendship...good message.
As for form...ah...
Gina |
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| Reviewed by Anna Marie Fritz |
1/30/2004 |
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Nice writing, although I will let Andy go for the
Abab...I think I am going for an Exedrin...because
I will never, ever...learn all the styles and formats
of poetry. All I know is how to be a crazy. |
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| Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) |
1/30/2004 |
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| Stunnig write, make me want to go for a donna c abab! |
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| Reviewed by Tinka Boukes |
1/30/2004 |
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This is masterfully done Leland!!
Love Tinka |
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| Reviewed by E T Waldron |
1/30/2004 |
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| I believe in this case Andre is right. It gets the message across with more clarity.I wouldn't have recognized it;-).As to content,we each must choose our own course,and be responsible for consequence, regardless of the rhyme;-) |
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| Reviewed by Floria Kelderhouse (Reader) |
1/30/2004 |
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| Very nice Leland...good lines here...I also have had help from Andre...Leland..I dont know why...I always want to do aabb...it just comes so easy to me...this way it is more difficult and when I "try" to be proper...I lose the essence of the poem somehow...but of course Andre is right and I also have revised...yet somehow...the first one always had a bit more feeling...so ....I guess we must decide if we want to have a properly written poem....or not....I do both..I always accept advice...it is always given in love....and that is so nice....sometimes however...I can be stubborn...as Andre will tell you LOL>>......I must read the first version.....great poem..floria |
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| Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader) |
1/30/2004 |
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| I agree with Kate that it was probably difficult to "keep on message" as you searched to rhyme. I know that I am going to be among the minority (always wanted that for myself) but I like the first one over this. So, shoot me. |
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| Reviewed by Kate Clifford |
1/30/2004 |
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| This is a masterpiece and could not of been easy to find rythme's while keeping the thought alive. Great write! |
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