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Fear, Hope and Faith
By Deborah Ann Tornillo
Last edited: Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Posted: Thursday, July 02, 2009
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Today, I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. The tears are back and a reminder to me of the tears I cried uncontrollably when I realized my mom and dad were no longer there for me. They were no longer the mom and dad I knew. They were no longer the mom and dad to give me the advice I needed when I cried out for help. They were no longer the mom and dad that put their arms around me and hugged me and told me that it would be okay. The tears today are tears for the uncertainty of what the future holds for me. I remember, as if it were yesterday when I walked outside of my parent’s house and stood in their backyard and cried. I cried because I knew that I had lost my parents to Alzheimer’s, one of the cruelest of diseases. Alzheimer’s had won and I realized at that very moment standing in their backyard, tears flowing like a river that my parents were never coming back.
Today, those tears keep flowing and although I try my best to control them, they flow like a river. The uncertainty of my future is back. I’ve asked God to please give me a glimpse into my future – so that this roller coaster ride I’m on now will be a little less turbulent. I’ve asked God to let me peek into tomorrow, so I can be better prepared for what I know deep in my heart is yet to come. My husband, as I once knew him is gone. The horrible disease of cancer (Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma) has taken its hold on him. He no longer is the happy go lucky, always joking, always smiling, always happy person I once knew. This disease has a strong hold on him. The radiation treatment has taken its toll on him. He has lost his sense of taste. He has lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks. He has lost hearing in one ear. He is overwhelmed with tiredness. My husband who was once a chef, no longer has the desire to cook, let alone eat. I feel his fear for the future overtaking him, just as it has me. The tears flow, once again because I have lost the man I once knew. I know longer have his strong arms holding me and comforting me when I need it. Our future is uncertain, because this type of cancer has a very low cure rate. Even if radiation is successful at eradicating the cancer at the primary site, the reoccurrence rate of return to the lungs, liver or bone is very high. After his radiation treatment is finished we still face the uncertainty of this horrible disease returning.
I remember when I was taking care of my parents I did my best not to let them see my tears of hopelessness. I knew from everything that I read about Alzheimer’s that it would win in the end. I knew that this horrible Beast would consume them and because of this the only thing I had left was my faith. I often would tell my daughters as I was raising them to never give up hope or faith. Little did I realize after parenting and losing my parents to the disease of Alzheimer’s would I give up hope. My faith remained strong knowing that God would hear my prayers for help, but yet realizing the help I needed was for me. I needed to remain strong and bare the crosses God had given me.
Today, I turn again to God and ask for his help to keep me strong for my husband.
Deborah Tornillo
Author, “36 Days Apart”
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| Reviewed by MaryGrace Patterson |
8/10/2009 |
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| This write brought tears to my eyes as I read it. You have been through so much and a person wonders how they can keep going on and surviving one heartache after another. I think you might be depressed because of all the emotional trama you have been, and are going through.It happens to the strongest of us . There are some mild antidepressants that could help . Also the power of prayer. God is always there. I've found there is a reason for everything that happens, tho its hard to discern what it is when ones living through it. In the time that follows , it all becomes clear as to the whys and where fors .. I've been through a lot too and almost lost my faith when our little grandson lived with us and was dying.. It has a direct impact on one life and mind. I have suffered from depression since the 90s and took medication to help combat it. I'm in a good place mentally now.. Perhaps a pastor , friend or counselor could help you . You need someone to help bear the burden. Its hard to do it alone.. I'll pray for you and your husband. It must be very hard for him also.. Are your daughters old enough to understand and help in some way?.Writing is a great out let to release one inner emotions... You writing draws the reader in and holds their attention! Don't give up . Keep forging ahead and don't look back. You can't change what has happened , you can only go forward...Love...M |
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| Reviewed by Joanna Leone |
7/7/2009 |
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| You have been a loving and devoted wife, mother and daughter. During the painful and difficult times, you have been their ray of hope. Continue to be strong and be your husband's light. I know that your day seem dark now, but your future will hold a special gift for you. All of the love and support that you have shown for your parents, children, and husband will come back to you in a very good way. Although your husband is not the same as he was before as he has lost weight and is battling cancer, just remember that there is one thing that will never change....that is the love that you have for each other. Continue to love him and encourage him. That is the most precious gift of all. Also, God will never turn his back on you. He will listen to your prayers and will grant you the strength that you need. During this painful time, you might want to think about putting together a collage, or a group of pictures that will you and your husband to talk about the good memories or special times. He might want to take a stroll down memory lane with you, or maybe you can read something special to him. There is a poem that I had written that might cheer you up or help you to escape for a moment or two...it is called, "Rainbow in the Piazza". It might uplift your spirits. |
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| Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado |
7/2/2009 |
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| Heartfelt; you are in my prayers; God be with you both in the difficult journey that surely lies ahead! Powerful writing! |
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