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Deborah Ann Tornillo

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Grief - An Ongoing Journey
By Deborah Ann Tornillo
Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Rated "G" by the Author.

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"Grieving the loss of a loved one is worse than fearing the loss of a loved one." Deborah Tornillo

“There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” Arnold Bennett (1867-1931)

I turned to Hospice when I knew my parents were going to die. They were very compassionate and helped me better understand the process of dying, as well as the emotions that I would experience after their death. I read everything that I could possibly read to learn what I was about to witness with the dying process of my parents, in hoping that it would soften the pain that I knew I would experience. It was during this time that I also read an article written by Rev. Howard R. Gorle that in my opinion best describes Grief. He wrote that no amount of knowledge can prepare us for bereavement. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. No quick fix. No short-cut. Knowledge of the grief process gives us a generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route. We will choose our own landmarks. We will travel at our own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by our culture, experience, and faith. In the end, you will be forever changed by your journey.

He also said that knowledge helps us avoid the major pitfalls of grief. Knowledge of what is known of grief assures us that we have not lost all sense of sanity. When we find ourselves feeling befuddled in a mist shrouded swamp we can say “It’s OK. This too is part of my journey. Others have gone this way before me and I will survive. I am human.”

Several blueprints or theories about grief have been proposed. Sigmund Freud began with the concept of having to do ’grief work’. That is, a specific job should be finished before the next job begins. Stages of grief theories abound. Depending on the writer, there are 4 to 12 stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Also, depending on the writer, grief has been described in terms of phases. For example there are 4 tasks of mourning: Accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, adjusting to a life without your loved one and finally being able to invest your emotional energy into a new life.

Grief has been an ongoing journey for me. It first started with the loss of my brother when I was 15 years of age. Second, was the caring of my parents, whom were both diagosed with Alzheimer’s at the same time and died 36 days apart of each other. I’m very much aware that I’m still grieving and now I face the reality of my husband’s rare cancer – Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. There are many days I can’t catch my breath and turn to God to give me the strength and courage to breathe, because I know that my husband needs me. Each day, my Lord answers my prayers.

Deborah Ann Tornillo



       Web Site: Deborah Tornillo

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Reviewed by nomtha cleopatra moss 8/11/2010
I can relate with you, it`s been four months since i lost my child bu it feels like yesterday.
Reviewed by Patrick Granfors 1/28/2010
"Grieving the loss of a loved one is worse than fearing the loss of a loved one." Deborah Tornillo

I learned that 5 years ago when my dad died of cancer. The days preceding his death were difficult but strangely calm. After he was gone and the loss was real, emotions were stronger, but I doubt that I have let the grief process conclude. Very shortly afterwards it was obvious that mom's mental state was not normal, not even for a widow of 55 years of marriage. I guess caring for her has left some of him in me so grieving for him would be grieving for me. Makes no sense. You are one strong lady. I hope your husband is doing OK, and either way I hope you are doing OK. Patrick

Reviewed by Connie Faust 1/21/2010
Deborah, my heart goes out to you in your many trials. And you turn to God, Who is fashioning you into a sparkling jewel. You have much to offer to those who know you and observe your faith. I will pray for you, and I'm going to track your writing for awhile at least, so that with God's help, I will know how to pray.
(I track only a few people because of the time involved.)
God bless you and renew your strength daily.
With love in His Name, Connie

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