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An overview of a thesis on singleness ... building a pastoral care model.

Presented by paul nipperess
Date: 18 October 2007

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Contents: Page:

Thesis and Introduction ............................. 3

Needs and hopes of singles ............... 4

A control model for counselling singles ......... 5

Preventing singles problems .......... 7

Counselling on specific issues .......... 7

Summary ................................................... 8

References and Bibliography ..................... 9

Appendix 1 ..................... 10


Singleness by paul nipperess

Thesis Statement:
Develop a pastoral care model to help people, who struggle with singleness.
Base answer on specific field research on the needs and hopes of singles.

Introduction:
Firstly, we look at the an overview of singleness, then investigate the needs
and hopes of single people, then move on to developing a pastoral care model
for counselling singles.

An Overview of Singleness:

Take 10 singles and there’s a good chance, that there will be 10 different and
valid circumstances to consider, as part of their single status. Singleness may
stem from a myriad of realities, including widowhood, lack of a suitable
partner, lack of eligible people due to geographic location, time constraints
due to a commitment to a primary care role for a family member, for example.

Many people are not single by their own choice: Instead circumstances,
may prevail, such as: Divorce, death of a spouse or never married, due
to lack of a prospective partner or homosexuality.

Even the Scriptures can put pressure on singles, as in Proverbs 18:22 KJV:

”Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.”

Passages like Proverbs 18:22, may serve to put pressure on some Christian
men to actively seek out a wife, to the detriment of living happily as a single.

Other drivers, like fear of the unknown future, dissatisfied, anger, depression,
isolation, sexual frustration and fear of living alone may also prompt singles
to enter into unhealthy relationships.

Comparing themselves to couples, singles may feel envious or cheated by God,
that they have been doomed to eternal loneliness, facing life with a heavy heart.

Loneliness is often a key issue, with singles and it is quite important to
differentiate between “loneliness” and “being alone.”

Singleness crosses all borders and cultures, too. Indian Prasanthi 2002 makes
this distinction, in his statement:

“Loneliness is something which is painful. To be alone, is feeling happy for such
singleness. To say alone, means to enjoy the solitude. Loneliness is feeling sad to
be one without anyone's company.”

Counsellor Helen Benson-Harris emailed these comments, on some issues
facing singles, in Appendix 1:

“Problems of fundamental communication, self-image, CHILDHOOD WOUNDS, lack of self-faith,
and fear of one thing or another, are obstacles that prevent people seeking out others. Some
singles find it easier to live on their own, in the fear of ‘being hurt’ again, fear of ‘trusting’ because
of patterns of betrayal.”

Many Christian singles have overcome the challenges of singleness, by
building a strong relationship with Christ and knowing themselves better,
BEFORE finding a soulmate in marriage. For example, Stith 2006 states:

“I began to see the benefits that singleness would reap for me – a fulfilling one-on-one
relationship with God that would eventually lead to my soul mate.” Stith 2006

While Virden 2003 brings us, yet another angle, about being at peace
with in our relationship with God, before venturing into ANY human
relationship, especially those aimed at solutions for the shortcomings
of singleness:

“It's during those magical moments in ministry, when I see the Lord change
hearts and lives right in front of my eyes, that I so badly want to be more
like Mary (Luke 10:39-42) and consciously choose the better part.” Virden 2003

Whether we choose singleness or it is thrust upon us, Virden 2003
stresses the need to TRUST in Christ and allow Him to take the
burden, whenever necessary:

Although it appears to be a cross to bear, we all are called to pick up our
cross and follow Christ daily . . . married or single.

The comfort in this, is that the Lord promises that His yoke is easy, and
His burden is light. So, when singleness becomes too heavy to bear,
reflect on the point that perhaps you are carrying a load not intended
for you. Stop. Lay it down, and reach for the arms of the Lord.

The pleasure in basking in the Lord's presence is indisputable. When
you can do it with singleness of heart, the fragrance is sweet, and all
the bitterness of life fades away. Virden 2003

Needs and hopes of singles:

We are all one in Jesus Christ (Galatians 3:26-28), yet singles in church
congregations are often treated as impostors and their hopes and needs
ignored, as the focus of church ministries lie, elsewhere.

There are four primary singles groups and each with their own particular
hopes and needs AOG (2007) :

Never married youth.
Never married older adults.
Divorcees.
Widowed adults.

It is very difficult for any church, to cover the needs and aspirations of all
these groups, so often the focus will be on only one or two of these groups,
so some exclusion of other singles, may also be evident.

We have already seen, how singleness knows no geographic, religious or
cultural borders and age or gender presents no barrier to singleness, either.
Then, if we add children of various age groups, the complexity of the
singleness issue is compounded, greatly.

Singles may also need to overcome other personal issues too, like low
self-esteem, loneliness, lack of Christian faith, lack of family support,
anger, depression, alcohol, drug dependency, distrust, dishonesty, hatred,
grief and loss, anxiety, revenge, greed, lust, self-righteousness, smoking,
health fears, unforgiveness, homosexuality and sins of many kinds.

Living in modern societies compounds the complexities for singles, with
further external pressures, as they address issues like employment,
financial management, affordable housing and transport, educational
expenses and more ... Paul gave us rules for living in Romans, Chapter 12.

HOPE for Christian singles lies in acceptance of Jesus Christ, as
Our Lord and Saviour and with that acceptance comes a harvest
of God-given gifts, starting with our own self-worth.

Collins (1988, p324) states:

“..... Christians should learn, that we can love ourselves, because
God loves us and has made us His children. We can acknowledge
and accept our abilities, gifts and achievements, because they
come from God and with His permission. We can experience the
forgiveness of sins, because God forgives unconditionally ... ”

Other hopes for singles, may include further development of positive
personal traits and Christian virtues, that will help to address many
hurdles, arising in their physical and spiritual journey, through life.

Self-love, compassion, a strong Christian faith, companionship, trust,
family support, a happy disposition, temperance, endurance, courage,
honesty, patience, kindness, purity, sincerity, love for a spouse and
children, as well as obedience to God are all personal traits, that
singles may hope to achieve.

More mundane hopes by singles, may be expressed in their desires
for secure employment financial prospects, along with affordable
housing, transport, food staples, water and education and so on

1 Peter 1:13 says, that we should fix our hope on the Grace of Christ.

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Developing a pastoral model for counselling singles.

Ongoing debates, between Christian singles and family groups, continue
to rage within many churches and Christian online forums. For example:

Watters (2007) says, “There needs to be clear, ongoing teaching about
acceptable Christian dating and/or courtship in the church. Without this,
singles will have many conflicts about what constitutes an acceptable
Christian romantic relationship, including sexual boundaries.”

Based on 2001 Australian Census data, over 40% of people 20-59 yrs had
either never married, were separated, divorced or were widowed.

Having already briefly discussed some of the reasons, that may result in
singleness and the mountain of issues arising out of single status, we are
now tasked, with developing a pastoral care model to embrace singleness.

Collins (1988, pp361-372) gives us a generic overview, in 6 points for counselling
Christian singles. While his approach may be good as a control model, SPECIFIC
needs of individuals often require special attention, by using other PROVEN
models to deal with certain issues.


In counselling singles, we can paraphrase Collins’ basic overview, which we
can use as our control model for counselling singles:

1. Evaluate our own attitudes towards singles and warns us about harbouring
negative thoughts and feelings about singles. Instead, we should realize:

“Each single, like every married person is a unique human being, with
individual strengths and needs. Some have a lot of problems, because
of singleness, most do not.”

2. Help with acceptance and often, it is simply the counsellor’s role to LISTEN,
without condemning the client. Experiencing such acceptance may also
bring the client into an important space, where they can meditate on
the biblical concept, that singleness may be a “special calling” for some
people, as they are called to do God’s work, in their spiritual journey.

Being single may indeed have its own inherent problems, but in being
single, the client avoids all the problems associated with being married.
So, singleness is not all doom and gloom, as it does have some real
benefits for many people.

Collins reminds us here, that we walk alongside clients in their journey
through life, as they solve their own problems.

3. Stimulate realistic life planning brings us to consider future plans for the
both longer-term and shorter-term and focusing on making achievable
goals ... this sees the counsellor, in a guiding role and encouraging
clients, in the thinking process.

Encouragement to develop God-given gifts and talents in the client
and encouragement to deal with immediate problems, using a mentor
or role model, if necessary.

Praying to God and meditation on God’s Word and Guidance can be
effectively used to help formulate future plans, according to God’s Will.

Immediate problems are overcome first, then we can move towards
helping others to be “single and satisfied”, as we walk with them,
in their spiritual journey.

4. Guide Interpersonal Relationships to enable singles to feel comfortable
ESTABLISHING and MAINTAINING some non-romantic relationships,
with mutual acceptance, respect, sharing, spontaneity and feelings
of comfort and enjoyment, in the presence of their friends.

Romantic love may also retain those same traits, but here the
relationship is dominated by mutual attraction and strong desire
physical intimacy.

Collins, G.R, (1988, p370) states:
“Clearly it is possible to have good friendships without romantic love.
Presumably the best marriages are those that have both.”

5. Give assistance to single parents in understanding and expressing their
feelings, about coping with life without a partner. Practical guidance
in making decisions may also be necessary for some clients.

Clearly, there is a myriad of problems involved with raising children
as a single parent, but clients should reinforce their confidence in God,
in learning to raise children with love, discipline and understanding.


6. Help people wait under the Lordship of Christ, many Christians may
need learn patience and deal with personal problems, unconfessed
sins and changes in attitude toward other people.

Counsellors are to encourage singles to trust in God’s goodness and
plans, that will become apparent, according to His time.

Singles are also encouraged to wait on the Lord daily in both prayer
and service directed, towards other people in the community.


In the church environment, Collins (1988, pp372-374) makes four
suggestions for preventing singles problems, that we may also
include in our control model for counselling singles.

7. Change church attitudes to avoid treating singles as misfits in the
congregation, by developing programs to meet the needs of singles
and also develop an understanding of the struggles, that singles face.

Such struggles may be particularly difficult for divorced or widowed
singles and ALL church members ... “should remember that single
people are significant and equal members of the Body of Christ.”

Singles should have full acceptance in our church communities.

8. Build stable marriages and families by using the church, to:

• Restate its commitment to family and the institution of marriage
• Teach strongly and clearly on marriage, family and singleness.
• Encourage fathers to be active in parenting and marriage building.
• Discourage child-centred marriages.
• Discourage unrealistic ideals about marriage and family.
• Teach communications and conflict resolution skills.

9. Encourage singles to make decisions and be active, yet lead a balanced
lifestyle, in order to allocate time for work, rest, play and socializing.
Prayer and meditation time is also important for singles to honestly
address current issues and relationships, as well as instilling trust
in God to guide us according to His plan for the future.

10. Stimulate ministries to singles by developing programs to meet their
unique needs. While recognizing the difference in needs, between
younger and older singles (students/widowed), singles programs
must focus on teaching, discipling, worship, social activities and
community service.

Counselling on specific issues:

We can expand on the 10 points in our counselling model above, to include
very specific methods for dealing with particular life issues and personal
problems, that may be faced by everybody.

Such issues may include grief and loss, anger, depression, low self-esteem,
loneliness, parenting, domestic violence, drug and alcohol addiction, guilt,
old age, sexual relations, homosexuality, gender issues, adolescence,
smoking, mental disorders, vocation, education, finances, pregnancy and
health, as well as spiritual issues, too ..... this list seems never-ending !~!

For example, Jennings (2003), shows various models for grief and loss issues.

Summary:

Singleness is not a life-threatening condition and many people lead
Christ-filled lives, addressing some issues that are common to married
couples and singles, alike.

However, singles do face some unique problems, as individuals and
ministering to singles places responsibilities on the church, to more
than entertain singles, with “feel-good, arm-waving worship songs.”

Collins (1988, p373) states:

“Singles have every potential for developing full, meaningful and Christ-centred
lifestyles. The church and individual counsellors can make this possibility a reality.”

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Reference books, weblinks and biblical texts:

Web References:

AOG - Assemblies of God (2007) “Celibacy and Singles” (article)
http://www.ag.org/top/Beliefs/relations_10_celibacy.cfm

Du’Gas, Phyllis V. (2005) “Change, Transform and Grow” (article)
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?AuthorID=26104&id=20520

Du’Gas, Phyllis V. (2006) “Mastering Self Love” (article)
http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=57&id=20762

Jennings, Baxter (2003), “Kubler-Ross and other Approaches” (article)
http://www.uky.edu/Classes/PHI/350/kr.htm

Prasanthi, Lakshmi (2002) “HOW TO BE HAPPY ALONE?” (article)
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?id=4869

Stith, Olivia (2006) “If God Is My Lover...Why Is My Bed So Cold?” (book)
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewwork.asp?id=16797

Virden, Holly (2003) “Going it Alone” (article)
http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/1236902/

Watters, Steve(2007) “Are Family-Friendly Churches on the Way Out?”
http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/02/are_familyfrien.html (debate)

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Books:

Collins, G.R, (1988) “Christian Counselling” pp 324 and 361 – 374
ISBN 0-8499-3124-X Publisher: W Publishing Group,
Nashville, Tennesee. USA.

Adams, J.E, (1970) “Competent to Counsel” pp 220-231
ISBN 0-87552-017-0 Publisher: Presbyterian & Reformed,
New Jersey, USA.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Crabb, Larry (1999) “The Safest Place on Earth” p16
ISBN 0-8449-1456-6 Publisher: W Publishing Group,
Nashville, Tennesee. USA.

Wilks, Frances (Feb 1999) “Intelligent Emotion” pp 153 -164
ISBN 13-978-0434004546 Publisher: William Heinemann

Appendix 1:

Part of an email discussion, with Counsellor and Analytical Therapist Helen Benson-Harris:

From: 'helen'
Sent: Tue Oct 16 19:02
To: paul’
Subject: Singles/couples

Don’t forget people in couple situations can feel ‘single’, ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’. Maybe a point worth mentioning. Also, to change from being ‘single’ to opening up to a relationship, means making a DECISION! Sometimes single people get caught in the belief system supporting their singleness, - they may have a network of other singles to support them. But to enable the opportunity for relationship, they must decide that singledom no longer suits them, and that they want to change their circumstances, and that they can be available to meet someone, - as they would PREFER to be in Relationship, or Partnership with someone (capital R/P). It seems the ‘decision’ allows a turning point from one behaviour pattern to another.
It appears to me there are many, many single people, living on their own. Problems of fundamental communication, self-image, CHILDHOOD WOUNDS, lack of self-faith, and Fear of one thing or another, are obstacles that prevent people seeking out others. Some singles find it easier to live on their own, in the fear of ‘being hurt’ again, fear of ‘trusting’ because of patterns of betrayal. It seems some people have a lack of moral structure and personal boundaries when it comes to relating to the opposite sex (or even same sex). Their need to feel ‘not rejected’ and ‘liked’ is so great! So fear of rejection, and fear of not being liked/loved are problematic issues. Some peoples ‘egos’ and ‘sense of self’ are so weak, that the ego part of another may be very satisfying, and consequently they allow themselves to be manipulated by the charm of another. On the other hand, personal dignity is a safe-guard for some.