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Tom Hyland

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T T T T T - PART 11
By Tom Hyland
Posted: Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Last edited: Tuesday, November 18, 2008
This short story is rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Recent stories by Tom Hyland
· CHICKEN SCRATCHES ?
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· DADDY, WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE MILITARY?
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· AU-TO-MO-BILES
           >> View all 79
T T T T T - for Tom's Tall Tales Told Truthfully -

just dawned on me that the 5 T's resemble the old 'bars' that used to be on old CELL phones - and look like a string of Telephone Poles.

Maybe I'm not close enough to a Tower and no one is getting the signal?

Is anyone OUT THERE?





T T T T T - Part 11 -

© - Tom Hyland - 11-11-08 to 11-18-08

RE: MR. ED’s - The History of Veteran’s Day -

ED - WELL DONE!

Thank you for reminding us all.

VETERANS - V for: Valiant - Victorious - and yet, many are now - VAGRANTS !!!

MAY GOD BLESS THEM ALL - BOTH LIVING AND DEAD !

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: MR. ED’s - Veteran Chronicles - Chapter 144 -

ED - GOD BLESS OUR VETERANS -

AND - YOU - FOR TRYING TO HELP THEM!

See my post today - VETERANS. Tom.

=========================================================

RE: My - VETERANS -

EILEEN - Thanks!

Yep - Venom - another great V word -

but Truth is Therapeutic!

Tom.
=========================================================
Reply to Malcolm -

Hi Malcolm Watts:

NO - JOINED THE US ARMY RESERVES IN JUNE, 1960 - was a "Week-End Warrior" - 8 weeks Basic . Ft. Knox and 16 weeks Advanced . Ft. Eustis, VA.
then 5.5 years of weekend "Drills" with 6 - 2-week summer Camps.

Accordingly, never entitled to any benefits - Honorable Discharge, but no Commissary rights, no Insurance, no Education benes - NUTTIN' HONEY!

While I truthfully HATED the 'Service' - am still a Patriot and Support our Troops and Vets.

SEMPER FI

=========================================================

KARLA - thank you.

Villified - good V word - missed it!

tom.

=========================================================

ED - the latest trick the legislators do now, is to eliminate their 'normal' email addresses, substituting an auto-responder message that directs you to their website.

to get around this, one merely should save their URL as a bookmark, and go there to contact them tom.

=========================================================

RE: KARLA’s - FREEDOM OF (WHOSE) SPEECH?

KARLA - GOOD ON YOU GAL! PHOQ 'EM !

If I have learned anything, at age 68, it is:

You can't argue with a DRUNK!
You can't argue with an IDIOT!
You can't argue with a MAL-CONTENT!

NOW - Smooth out and settle your Feathers - take a DeeeeeeeeP Breath -
and then -

SCREAM OUT AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS - PHOQ 'EM !!!

Then, you'll feel better - GAR-AN-TEED ! Cayjun ? TK.

=========================================================

RE: KARLA’s - Money Can’t Buy -

KARLA - WELL PUT - PATRIOT!

I like Felix's suggestion also! and Ted's too!

If it were up to me - ALL OUR TROOPS would be brought Home, to American Soil - MAN the Mexican Border until a WALL is completed - AND let some of them do CONSTRUCTIVE work, helping out in Areas devastated by Floods, Tornadoes, and other freaks of Mother Nature. Clearing debris, building homes, helping unfortunates that were displaced - AND - rotating periodically - visiting their OWN LOVED ONES!

TOM.

=========================================================

RE: TED’s - Evil Shower Curtain -

TED - SUGGESTION:-

Rush out and buy Patty a New Pretty, Frilly EXPENSIVE curtain, that has been DE-CLAWED! Then, after hanging it for her, run the tub with Bubble Bath, light some nicely scented Candles, place Oodles of Dark Chocolates within easy reaching distance, put Ravel's BOLERO on the ole Stereo,

and then - Volunteer to do her BACK!

SCORE ??? AMEN, BRO - AMEN !!!

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: MATLACK’s - Travelin’ -

ED - another 'pipe' dream? or just whacko weed?

"Fly me to the Moon, and let me play upon the Stars,
let me see what Life is like, on LOONEY-TUNES or Mars..."

OH - YEAH - almost forgot - maybe you can CONVERT that 'coffin' sized shower stall into a larger, more spacious Telephone Booth - and like Dr. WHO - travel EVERYWHERE!

P.S. - down here, LOEW's is CHEAPER than HOME DEPOT !!!

TK.

=========================================================

RE: Matlack’s - Humileon -

ED - Like the 'coined' title word!

SOOOOOOO - if you are really a SHAPE-SHIFTER - what does that say about your BROS - Peewee & Edvard? Kind of explains all of them thar TALL TALES about being OTHER THINGS, don't it?

Then, considering the Hundreds of years youse guyz have been 'around' -
makes me wonder if you EDS are really VAMPIRES?

NAH! MUST JUST BE THE WHACKY WEED ... TK.

=========================================================

RE: MR. ED’s - A Little Critter’s New Game -

ED - sounds like Blackie is quite gregarious.

Heard some 'tapping' like noises myself last night. Thought it was rain on the kitchen windows - muted the TV, went to look outside - not rain - listened intently - traced the noise to the corner - was just GUS - obviously chowing down on some peanuts and cookies.

TV back on, and finished my movie - with a few SNACKS, of course.

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: Ted Glines - Abortion Opinion -

TED - TERRIFIC AND LOGICAL PRESENTATION!

WOW - all comments expressed below are likewise intelligent and sensible.

I, personally, would like to imagine a "Magic Wand" ZAPPING all so-called Leaders across the Globe, and MAN being replaced in all positions of Authority by WOMAN -

Bet it would be a more PEACEFUL and CALMER WORLD!

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: KARLA’s - Hard Times Christmas -

KARLA - WELL SAID! LOVE THE 'TREE' TOO! VERY CREATIVE!

"FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE - BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE!"

MAY THE BABE IN THE LOWLY MANGER UNITE ALL IN HARMONY!

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: Ted Glines’ - “SEXY” -

TED - WOW! PRETTY HOT FOR AN OLD FART - LIKE ME!

You must be writing from Memory, huh? Just kiddin' !

Made me take Inventory - Lady I've been dating now, for almost 2 years - 52 weeks X 2 = 104 - Minus about 10 maybe (when she was mad at me) = 94 + several weekends, when we caused each other Multiple Orgasms 3-4-5-6-7 Times? Hell, let's just round the number off to about 120 SEXY ENCOUNTERS!

Now, compare THAT to the prior COMMITTED record of Legally Married, Wedded Bliss - a History of 34 years, when ONCE A MONTH WAS GOOD - then my current 2 years would equal around TEN YEARS WORTH of Controlled Restriction!

Makes me want to write 2 separate books - "I Married a Nun" and "I'm Dating a Nympho" !

Am I GLAD I'm Divorced, or WHAT?

P.S. - Replace 'h' with 'c' in crescendo - typo, I guess.

PIECE - er, ah, um, I mean - PEACE ... TomKat.

=========================================================

RE: Matlack’s - Profanity -

ED - as the former CHURCH LADY on SNL used to say:
"Well, Isn't That SPECIAL?"

"Hie Thee to a Nunnery!" It is refreshing to know that the Jersey Devil does have some measure of REDEEMING MERIT! Just kiddin' BRO!

As Ted has said below, about Young Whippersnappers, I for one am Guilty of using such profanity on more than one occasion - BUT - I HAVE AN EXCUSE - although Long in Tooth, with my 68 year-to-date history, inside me is TRAPPED a young TEENAGER, who occasionally just HAS to express himself thusly!

Every once in a while, I like to use the verb SHAT - as the Past Tense of s**t - as in Conjugation of the verb: I/you/he/she/it/we/they SHAT the S**T!
Or sometimes as the Future Perfect Tense, as in --
"Matlack will have SHAT in his pants!"

Out of pure curiosity - did my comment of Profane? Insane? Happen to inspire this prolific piece?

IF SO - then Ipso Facto - you are WELCOME!

:) :) :) Tom The Profane ...

=========================================================

RE: Reply from Ted on my - Fun With IP -

TED - YOU R SO RIGHT!

Thanks for completing the rhyme - knew there was one, but couldn't remember!

60 CENTS A BOTTLE - CHEAP DRUNK!

Remember DAGO RED? Supposedly, if you drank water the morning after, you got drunk all over again!

SLEINTE' Tom.

=========================================================

RE: Ted’s comments -


Posted by Flying Fox Ted Glines MSW (author) at 11/14/2008 8:40:01 AM

Hi Tom:

Ha! Yes I do remember dago red. Memory lane: it was around 1958, in the Navy, Long Beach, California ... and next to The Pike was a neighborhood of apartment houses where we would go when we were on liberty. We bought cases of Thunderbird, and cases of Acadamas wine, and we would spend the whole weekend drunk on our butts. There was a coffee table with a dish on it. We would all toss some dollars into the dish. Whoever got to the last bottle in a case would grab some cash and go buy a new case of wine. I remember pouring myself back to the ship so many times, so blitzed that I could hardly see the ship or the gangway.

And we had the audacity to say we were having fun :-)

Ted

=========================================================

RE: my reply to Ted’s reply on my - Fun with IP -

Hi Flying Fox Ted Glines MSW:

WOW - you were BAD!

MINE - was around 57-58 - 3-4-5 of us guys would go down to Cross St. Market, find an old WINO, escort him up the street to the liquor store, slip him some $, and wait around the corner for him to come out with the notorious BROWN PAPER BAG -

If we got a Gallon, Quart, or Fifth - he got a Pint, Half-pint, or Miniature, accordingly!

Then we'd scamper up into a dark, back-alley, pass the bottle, and GUZZLE!

After, we'd rush the couple of blocks down Charles St. meander through alleys, pass the South Baltimore Southern POLICE Station, which was diagonal from the church - then up the steps to the 2nd floor of The Church of The Advent, to where the 'girls' were waiting - to DANCE!

Almost every Friday & Saturday night for about 5 years - 56-57-58-59-60. Amazingly, only got caught by POL- ice ONCE! Cop knew my older, adult Sister (who was divorced, with 2 kids, and living with us), walked me to the front door, chatted with her (parents were out - thank GOD!) - and I got off EASY!

Aaaaaah - those good ole days!

Later - Gator ... TomKat ...

=========================================================

RE: Matlack’s - Poetizing…

ED -

R U sure it ain't just a GUILTY conscience?

CHURCH MAY BE CALLING YOU !!!

If GOD was your Muse - would you be Amused? or Confused?
All Else might be Subterfuge!

???????????????????????? TK.

=========================================================

RE: my IP -

Posted by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner (author) at 11/14/2008 9:08:53 AM

Hi Tom Hyland:

LOL You always bring a giggle to my puss. :) That's face, you know. *blushing* Whoops. Now I've stirred things UP. *DOUBLE blushing* backin' out reeeaaaaal easy like ...

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. Reply to Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner

=========================================================

RE: Karla’s reply -

Hi Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner:

SWEETHEART - I LOVE IT!

Tain't Nuthin' like a Giggling, Blushing PUSS !!!

Soitanly more gooder than a SOUR-PUSS!

Grumpy FACE, that is! :) :) :) :) RED becomes You!

TK.

=========================================================

Hi Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner:

Au Contraire, Mon Cheri - you are NOT a guttersnipe -

just another mere Mortal - Human! With wants, and needs, and a typical

DIRTY MIND --- LIKE ME! :) :) :)

=========================================================

RE: MY - Fun With IP -

11/14/2008
Ed Matlack
Mad Dog 20/20 was our "wine(?)" if you can call it that, of choice as well as Annie Green Springs...now what was you talkin' 'bout again...Ed

My Reply to Matlack -

ED - Yeah Man - MD 20/20 - some really cheap S**T for POOR people, Bums, Ghetto Dwellers, and that sort of Ilk. We must have been from the UPPER Poor Class, 'cause we could afford T-Bird!

"Thunderbird is sold at between 13% and 18% ABV and first became popular in the 1950s. Its popularity led to the introduction of Thunderbird ESQ. Night Train Express has been a very controversial brand - among civic leaders in major cities as it is felt that Night Train, as well as other inexpensive high liquor content drinks, contribute to vagrancy and public drunkenness of homeless people. Thunderbird was once marketed in the United Kingdom as "The California Aperitif.".

The 1950s radio jingle that promoted Thunderbird had a song that sang,

"What's the word? / Thunderbird /
How's it sold? / Good and cold /
What's the jive? / Bird's alive /
What's the price? / Thirty twice.".

RE: MD 20/20 -

Here is URL link, in case you wan'na go get a case:
http://www.ghettowine.com/maddog/

A Copied & Pasted Comment -

md 20/20

A wino lick-and-a-kick delight with 7 (Orange Jubilee my favorite) fragrant detonations; that special ingredient warms the special part of your soul known as the alterego, that fiendish sleaze-muck that comes out swinging.

Another from another site:

MD 20/20
18% or 13% alc. by vol.

As majestic as the cascading waters of a drain pipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 wine company in Westfield, New York. This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark. MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called "Mad Dog 20/20". You'll find this beverage as often in a bum's nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink.

This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn't stop any bums from drinking it! Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside. Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with novocain.

Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster. Avaliable in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full "Red Grape Wine" flavor packs the 18% whallop.

Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape. There is also a new "Blue Raspberry" flavor with "BLING BLING". Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of 5%.

And yet another:

Some popular beverages in this category are Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Cisco, Night Train, and Wild Irish Rose. Buckfast Tonic Wine[1] and formerly Ripple have similar reputations, though Ripple is no longer produced[1]. In Canada, Bright's Pale Dry Select Sherry is considered a potent low-end fortified wine[1]. Another such wine that is out of production is Sly Fox[1]. These wines typically have an alcohol content of between 15 and 20% ABV. Other characteristics include added sugars, artificial colorings and flavorings.

In contrast to table wine, which may be enjoyed as an accompaniment to a meal, or high-end fortified wine, enjoyed as an aperitif or digestif, low-end fortified wines are generally considered suitable only for intoxication. Note that its classification as "wine" is a very loosely used term, and many people refer to it as "hooch", "street wine", "fortified wine", "bum wine", or "twist-cap wine".

LUCY - THIS MIGHT SPLAIN ALL YOUR MENTAL ANGUISH ?
TOO MUCH MD 20/20 IN A YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER ?

WINOS UNITE ! TK.

=========================================================

MARCIA -

Thank you, Ma'am! I save many pics I receive, especially animals - I titled this one -

CUP O' JAVA ... TK.

=========================================================

RE: Dan Johnson’s - WISE WORDS -

DAN - SUPERB WRITE! King Solomon would feel Challenged!

I apologize for this being my first visit - BUT - now that I'm impressed,
“I'll be BOCK” - as the Terminator said!

Tom.

=========================================================

RE: Dan Johnson’s - Mental Sex -

DAN - WELL PUT!

Sometimes, maybe even most-times (with Men) it also ENDS Upstairs too!

AGE = "The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh is Weak!"

Tell Matlack (see below) - To take 2 VIAGRAS and call someone
ELSE in the morning!

TomKat.

=========================================================

RE: My - Fun With IP -

DAN -

There are NO IP-ceptions - KEYS is too technical -

WHY? If no GAS, key will turn Starter, but Engine won't Start and get you anywhere!

How's That for a Half-Arsed Snow-Job?

Tom.

=========================================================

11/15/2008
Mr. Ed
I - Pee Wee - and therefore, I am!

And who gave you my picture??


ED - WEE-WEE - PEE-WEE - PEE-PEE -----

What's the DIFF?

Got your pic off an illegal alien WETBACK down near the Arizona-Mexifornia Border -

He was sellin' 'em for a Buck - outback of Liz L-T's house, from a beat-up pick-up ...

:) :) :) -- TK.

=========================================================

RE: My - Rhythms, Homonyms, Rhymes -

11/17/2008
Mr. Ed
I AM - Because I Urinate, Defecate, and Regurgitate!

You truly have a way with words, my friend!


11/17/2008
Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner
This could be a serious tongue twister. LOL The way you play with words astounds me! Well done, Tom!

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.

So glad I didn't have to type this: I'd be bald by now. LOL

=========================================================

KARLA - GOOD GAWD GERTIE -

I didn't even have time to check it yet! Went back to fix 3 typos, and BING-BAM-THANK YOU-MA'AM - you done wrote somethin'!

THANKS - MUCHLY!

Three French Kisses -
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree! TK.

=========================================================

ED - yeah, I know -

like say something Soft and Mushy -

OH - POOP ! :) :) :) TK.

=========================================================

11/17/2008
Dan Johnson

I agree with Karla, try repeating all verses ten times, very quickly you would 'evaporate.'

Cheers,
Dan

DAN -

EVAPORATE - another good word I missed!

Thanks for comments. Tom.

MARCIA -

REPETITIOUS SOUNDS - this was probably the longest sequence of such that I ever composed.

Having said that, now I have to go back and actually COUNT them, out of pure curiosity.

WHY? You may ask - because I'm kind of Anal Retentive, I guess?

In closing, now that the ADS have appeared on TV,
let me be the very First to wish you a

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Tom. P.S. - I got 66 …

=========================================================

Posted by Mr. Ed (author) at 11/17/2008 7:36:52 AM

Hi Tom Hyland: I think you may be part wolf or canine, like myself. My dogs all love to urinate, deficate, eat, regurgitate, and then eat some more!!! What a wonderful life!


My Reply:
Hi Mr. Ed:

ES VERDAD, mine friend - Yahvol!

I am an old DOG - not only Learning new tricks, but also trying to Teach them, by passing them on to others - as in -

EXTRAPOLATE ...

May Good Tidings of Great Joy Visit and Surround You and Yours this Holiday Season -

translation = MERRY CHRISTMAS !!! TK.

=========================================================

RE: Copy of my message to CONGRESS and The Washington Post -

In signing a Petition to Stop Bush from Pardoning himself and his other CRONIES -

Do you remember when Gerald Ford PARDONED Richard Millhouse Nixon? I DO! It was WRONG! It was DESPICABLE!

IMPEACH BOTH NOW! BUSH & CHENEY have been DESPOTS, TYRANTS, LIARS, and have sent THOUSANDS of our CHILDREN to their DEATHS - for what? FOR OIL! BLOOD FOR OIL!

CRIMINALS SHOULD BE PUNISHED - NOT PARDONED - IF CONGRESS DOES NOT ACT - THEN YOU ARE JUST AS GUILTY - BY ASSOCIATION & CONDONEMENT!

IMPEACH BOTH !!!

=========================================================

RE: RUFUZ’ - Snorting the White Stuff…

DEAR DAWG:

As an Alter-ego, you do a superlative job!
If only your Daddy had an ounce of Sense,
he might earn some Cents,
compiling together all YOUR works,
and including your Scents!

TITLE? RUFUZ RITES!
The trials and tribulations of a DEADHEAD ED TRAINER!

:) :) :) TOM - EL GATO !

=========================================================

RE: KARLA’s - I’ll Leave the Light on -

KARLA - SUPERB!

Not unlike the well-known Scientific Method, one must first recognize that there is a problem - analyze and consider the alternatives involved - then reach the conclusion, or ANSWER.

The sheer acknowledgement of truly understanding the waywardness, is a GIANT STEP in following the LIGHTED PATH HOME!

Peace and Love - what else is so paramount? Tom.

=========================================================

RE: MATLACK’S - No Fireplace -

ED -

Was really good, up until the last Line,
When dirt and filth crossed your Mind.
When you do choose to be Coarse,
Remember its ending - ARSE!

Although I know the pic is a heater,
it reminds me of the old-fashioned little Jukeboxes,
that were in the booths in old Diners years ago.

I was thinking about buying one of those small Kerosene heaters, but the last time I looked, in Home Depot a couple of years ago, the doggoned good fuel - smokeless stuff, cost about $7.00 a gallon - DOUBLE the price of propane, even back then.

Pellet stove maybe? Perhaps I'll check.

OH! How about a Kapok filled Sleeping Bag?
Cut holes in it for arms and legs,
put it ON, then just ZIP UP!

Later, DUDE! TK.

=========================================================

RE: Matlack’s - G. I. BILL -

ED - JUST READ THE PLEDGE ABOVE -

ALTHOUGH SMALL - 2 WORDS WERE DELETED ---

UNDER GOD !!!

THERE LIES THE RUB !!! TOM.

=========================================================



 

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Reviewed by Mr. Ed 11/19/2008
SOOOOOOO - if you are really a SHAPE-SHIFTER - what does that say about your BROS - Peewee & Edvard? Kind of explains all of them thar TALL TALES about being OTHER THINGS, don't it?

Then, considering the Hundreds of years youse guyz have been 'around' -
makes me wonder if you EDS are really VAMPIRES?

Don't tell anyone, but there is only one Ed Vampire. And one is an ancient reptilian flying devil from the Pine Barrens of Jersey, and one is a wolfman. But beware any Full Moon when any of these three are lurking about.


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