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Mr. Ed

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A Bum, With a Pocketful of Diamonds
By Mr. Ed
Posted: Thursday, July 19, 2007
Last edited: Thursday, July 19, 2007
This short story is rated "G" by the Author.
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           >> View all 54
Ah, Yes, Divorce...




“Ah, yes, Divorce…from the Latin Word Meaning:

To rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”


Robin Williams



My 13-year old marriage was ending; I was tired of fighting with my wife all the time; and I hated my job.  In essence, my life really sucked.


The only consolation to my grief was that my soon to be ex-wife and I had agreed on an amicable separation.  We would split our assets down the middle, wish each other well, and go our separate ways.


Unfortunately, however, one of her friends suggested that she see a certain lawyer in town who specialized in defending women in divorce cases.  So she did, and when I got the paperwork, I couldn’t believe what I soon read.


A simple fifty-fifty split between two civilized adults had suddenly and horribly turned into something very different.  This lawyer had summarily determined that my soon to be ex-wife would get all of the proceeds from the sale of our home, the good car, and worst of all, sole custody of my dog.  I was now furious beyond belief.


I immediately hired my own lawyer.  I explained the terrible situation to him, and I told him that I would not, under any circumstances, give up my dog.  Period.  He proclaimed that he understood completely, and he told me not to worry about a thing.  He said he had tons of experience protecting husbands’ rights in these matters.  He assured me that he would take care of everything.  He told me to relax.


Yeah, right…


Several weeks later, my lawyer phoned and told me that he had taken care of everything to my complete satisfaction.  He once again assured me that there was nothing to worry about.  He even told me that I didn’t even have to bother showing up for the court-date.  It was all just a routine matter now.


When I pressed him about my dog, he gushed all over himself and proclaimed that I would be more than satisfied with the outcome.  Somehow, I wasn’t too reassured by his pompous speech.  I decided that I better attend the court proceeding anyway.


As I soon half-heartedly sat in divorce court, absentmindedly hearing the end of my marriage being discussed by complete strangers, I suddenly sat bolt upright and paid very close attention.  Evidently, my wife and I had not decided our futures at all; our two high-priced lawyers had.


Suddenly, I heard the judge solemnly proclaim: “To the wife go the assets from the sale of their home; to the husband go most of their communal bills.  To the wife go the new Buick sedan; to the husband the old Ford station wagon.  And, the wife obtains sole custody of their pet Schnauzer, Pepper, although the husband will receive monthly visitation privileges.”


I quickly turned and glared at my lawyer with raging fire in my eyes.  He patted me on the back and told me that he had insisted on those monthly doggie visitation rights.  He wanted me to congratulate him and shake his hand.  I wanted to pummel him to death.


I jumped up, ran toward the judge, and yelled, “Objection your Honor!  Although none of this stuff was what we agreed on, I can live with everything you said except the part about giving up my dog.  No one is taking that dog away from me, Judge.  No one!”


As the burly bailiff hastened towards me with a very mean scowl in his eye, the old judge put up his hand and stopped him.  He must have been a dog lover himself.  Since my wife and I had no children, he took pity on me, and quickly amended his ‘most honorable decision’ by granting me weekly visitation rights to my pooch, instead of just monthly visits.


Some consolation I thought, as I stormed out of that courtroom, too angry to speak further with anyone.  I immediately decided to race home, snatch my dog, and head for the hills.  I seriously doubted that anyone would come after us.


But what if they did?  Maybe I can change my identity; move to another state.  Think, man, think!


That’s when I heard my now ex-wife shouting at me from high atop the courthouse steps.  Her lawyer had evidently not robbed her of all compassion.  She told me that I could keep my dog.


I hugged her, kissed her, thanked her profusely, and headed off on my new and very different life.


The very next morning, I loaded all of my earthly possessions – my clothes, my fishing gear, and my dog - into my old Ford station wagon with the leaky transmission.


Although I was now homeless, penniless, and divorced, I still had my dog.


I stared at my former home one last time that warm summer’s day.  I knew I would really miss it.  I had some wonderful memories of the old place, and there was a time here when our married life had been a very happy one.


After reminiscing for quite some time, with a few small wet tears welling up in my eyes, I finally put the old wagon in reverse and pulled out of my old driveway for the very last time.


I will never forget that morning.  I just drove, with no particular destination in mind.  I drove and drove and drove, with sweet little Pepper at my side.


I had no idea where I was going, where I would live, or what I would do now.  So I just drove on and on.


The words to one of my favorite songs, Smilin, by Tim McGraw, now come to mind, when I think of that day:


“Dreams, I got my own,

I ain’t lookin for a yellow brick road,

I’m just gonna go my own way.

The sky is blue, and the sun is shinin,

I feel like a bum, with a pocket full of diamonds!”


I did feel like a bum with a pocketful of diamonds that warm summer’s day, now so long ago.  I still had some fond memories that I would always cherish, and I still had my dog!


I hugged Pepper; she affectionately licked my face; and we headed off down that long lonesome highway on our new life together.  And what a different life it would be.



©2004, An Excerpt from Curious Creatures-Wondrous Waifs, My Life With Animals, by Ed Kostro






Reader Reviews for "A Bum, With a Pocketful of Diamonds"

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Reviewed by J Howard
fun story, of course hope it was (just) a story. OUR dogs are the "bones" that hold my marriage together, neither of us could bare not seeing those two faces everyday separate them. even happiness has priorities, eh?
Reviewed by seriously dave
Very nice story dude, very nice. uuuuh not the divorce part, or the getting screwed be everyone part but you know what I mean, very nice.
Reviewed by 000 000
I believe you got the best part-A loving pet and a new life
Reviewed by Marguerite Lemoine
To lose a dog is bad but to lose a duaghter is worse. Guess what, he convinced her that I was at the root of the problem. He was alcholic and a controller and a miniputler. It has been 30 years and no reconcillation. He is in nether world at this time 'lil flower
Reviewed by Mary Coe
A bitter sweet story. I'm so glad that you got to keep your dog "Pepper". In a divorce, I believe everything should be split down the middle; except in cases where children are involved; then the parent who has sole custody of the children, should be able to keep the house until the the last child reaches 18. Then the house should be sold and the money split by the divorced couple. Very interesting read.
Reviewed by Julie Donner Andersen
Awww ((ED))....Reminds me of an old joke: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One's a blood sucking parasite...the other is an insect." LOL

I can relate to your story. I gave up everything monetary just to keep sole and permanent custody of my children. I may be poorer, but I am happier. I wish the same for you.:)

Reviewed by Tom Hyland
ED... do unto LAWYERS... BEFORE... they do unto you!

After 34 years, I was lucky... she was a good, honest woman, and kept her word. She filed. She paid. I did not contest. Home was sold, all bills paid, 50-50 SPLIT... Amicable and FAIR!

At the time, our daughter had our dog, HEATHER, for protection, so no conflict occurred, thank God!

Thanks for sharing a caring story. LAWYERS SUCK! Tom.
Reviewed by Poetess of The Soul Sheila G
This life story brought tears, so sorry she put through this pain and hassle! Made you more aware and stronger I suppose! I've been here myself, and I love your philosphy -
Live life happy with Pepper! I'm so thrilled for you!
Happiness lives on in your heart and his!
YOu expressed your heart here so passionately Ed, I wish the very BEST from here on out!
YOur heart is pure!
I guess she really couldn't see that! or didn't want to!
STay Positive!
WArmest Blessings of Peace, Love, light and Wisdom, Warrior Lady Purple Sheeeoox
Reviewed by Cedric III
mr ed.
i adore this excerpt from your book.

the line you preface this piece with by robin williams had me in fits... that certainly is a different way of expressing the ugliness that can occur in such proceedings.

now me... ive never been divorced. never even been married [though at 24 i dont sposed thats anything to worry about right yet] but i have lived through two divorces with a mother who is on her fourth marriage. her last divorce was just crazy. she knew she needed to leave him for the safety of her kids and so she did but she took the dog. the dog was a little bichon frieze called Sweep who was my ex step fathers pride and joy but with all his drinking and carryng on mum knew she would be neglected.
well he would just appear on the front doorstep at all hours just to say hello to his dog. i thought i was really tragic myself.
but yes. i understand your vantage point here as a result... take away my house my car my life but do not take away my best friend...

im sorry things went the way they did for you with all the lawyers and everything but i am glad you got Pepper and the promise of a new life... i hope the promise has been fulfilled =)
Reviewed by Myles Saulibio
Mr. Ed,
I can why you are slow to anger and rich in compassion. I enjoyed the article my friend and thank you for pointing out life's pleasures and pitfalls.

Aloha My Friend,
Reviewed by D Johnson
Good on you, Ed, great write. Sometimes we've got to give up a lot 'stuff' to keep the really important things. Kudo's to Georg for letting us know about your story.

Reviewed by M.Bennett Hooper (Mikii)
A true delight here Mr. Ed I can't thank Georg enough for as the kids say giving me the hook up. Now I must search out the book. You must know the joy of unconditional love a small creature gives to us. PLB&G for caring and sharing this heartfelt piece. <Mikii>
Reviewed by Ann Scarborough
Things are just things, a true friend (Pepper) is really and truly a suitcase full diamonds, rubies, pearls, and gold. Just think, you got the best part. You got Pepper.
Wonderful wonderful story Ed.
Reviewed by Alexandra* OneLight*® Authors & Creations
And indeed there are those who have everything they need... when the greed of others has left them with nothing... but a pocketful of dreams, unbound horizons, and the warmth of love to "head off down the highway of a new life together". I loved this true story when I first read it in "Curious Creatures-Wondrous Waifs, My Life With Animals" (I got it as a present for my sister... but didn't resist reading it, and rather avidly so, before actually giving it to her!) and I thank you for this opportunity of reading it again. With such a heart, you will always be one of the truly, genuinely wealthiest, dear Ed.
Love to you and your... more precious than all diamonds ones,
Reviewed by LadyJtalks LadyJzTalkZone (Reader)
a wonderful story. I hope no one ever lets lawyers do that to them. Lady J
Reviewed by Walt Hardester
this is of course sad,
a love gone missing from what was vowed "till death us do part."
But...lawyers will really break your heart.
Glad the ex showed some she didn't lick your face either.

Reviewed by Georg Mateos
Under every rock you will find a snake, big or small, and one will wonder why in the heck we still turn over the damn stones.
Thirteen years is a long time.
Saddly you hadn't a prenuptial, with it you have hold to your house, car and dog without a fight.
As it is neither house or car will ever lick your face.
Am happy for you to have showed so much restrain (I wouldn't)
Thanks for sharing.
Reviewed by Debby & Gordon Rosenberg
in your heart's passion..the only thing worth having was that dog...and despite everything that occured, in the end you received exactly what you wanted, now that is power
Reviewed by H Cruz
That's some tale, congrats on the pooch!
Reviewed by m j hollingshead
i'm glad you have had such a better life following... i wept when i read this doing the book review, i weep now

Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Glad you made it through a hard time in your life; God has blessed you! Very well done story, Ed; bravo!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :(
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
Thank you for sharing your much take in....happy to know things turned out to be okay at the end!!

Love Tinky
Reviewed by Victor Buhagiar (Reader)
Lawyers, may they all rot...well let's be charitable and hope you did not pay him. Victor
Reviewed by Karen Vanderlaan
wonderful write-you are a good man and i applaud that you came through such an insensitive divorce-as soon as lawyers are involved all civility is gone

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